After the birth of my oldest son, I decided I'd made enough mistakes to last a lifetime and it was time to close up shop...NO MORE SEX! See I'd already been married, separated, had one child and another to my dismay. I really didn't want another baby and certainly not under circumstances he'd been conceived. So after much careful thought and consideration, I decided CELIBACY was the life for me. I was tired of going through changes with men and change was needed in me.
I'd left my husband at six months pregnant once I realized REVENGE wasn't a basis for Marriage. I didn't marry my ex husband for the right reasons, I never loved him and he knew it. Through out the marriage, we fought and argued the entire time. We tried to make the best of it, but we knew better. So I decided to leave him, rather than bring my daughter into a situation that would scar her for life.
I came home, returned to school and finished college. But my mentality was still in the streets.
The opportunities I've had to "RISE UP" from the ashes of my past were many and I was too dumb to take advantage. College was the first door to freedom. I met so many positive people from different walks of life, who'd gone through trials and faced similar challenges as I had. My sister became a Delta, and I should've too. I was the one who encouraged her to pledge. Again, I watched the opportunity to pledge in the Spring of 97' float out the door. Eventually, I made the mistake of embarking on an ill-fated affair, one I regret to this day. As a result, my son was conceived. I worked for nine months, woke up sick every morning and spit in anything I could, suffering from severe heartburn. It was the roughest pregnancy ever! My due date was April 11th, but I was so stressed out and embarrassed, he was THIRTEEN DAYS OVER DUE! The people at my job were so loving and supportive, I had two baby showers and more things than I needed...God was GOOD! Yet, I'd over worked myself to the point my body was in atrophy and the baby didn't want to come. Thirteen days later, and after twenty eight hours of labor my son was born via Caesarean Section. After that, I came home from the hospital and took total inventory of my life-I needed a change. During the months after my son's birth, I had time to heal physically. It wasn't as fast as I healed when my daughter was born, it seemed longer.
Deep thought and retrospect made me realize I needed time ALONE and I made a decision to become CELIBATE! For five years, I sat alone and didn't want to date! I was tired and wanted to devote time to myself and children. My struggles were so great and I was overwhelmed with disappointment. I told myself, God has to fix me, before I can deal with anyone else.
Today I still question decisions in my life, but I will say this...celibacy grants you clarity. There is nothing wrong with being alone, but I will say this "Don't ask God to help you be patient, if you're not ready to be on his time!" I had to learn that a thousand years is a day with the lord and I couldn't tell God my five years of celibacy was enough. In his eyes, I STILL WASN"T READY and because of my impatience, I chose (again) the wrong path. I think if I could've foreseen the next thirteen years into the future, I would've taken a step back and not ignored the little warning bells screaming off the hook in my head!
Have you ever wished someone would just disappear out of your life and you never have to look at them again? How about feeling like you've wasted valuable virtue on someone you didn't even like, because you were in LOVE with the THOUGHT OF LOVE? Waiting on the right person is a good thing, just be prepared to be on GOD'S TIME AND NOT YOUR OWN!
WELL...BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD!!! #DOINGTHISAGAIN#
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