MY LIFE UNDER CONSTRUCTION...

I am working on many projects. Multi-tasking is what one might call it. Taking on this Blog, trying to pen a memoir about the tumultuous relationship between Mothers and daughters and trying to finish school. Honestly, school is priority on my list of "to do" projects. Do I want to finally finish my Master's Degree? Yes! But I honestly don't feel fulfilled, finding peace within myself and clarity in my life is what I want. I've grown tired of people, excuses, deceit and nonsense. People are so dishonest, they lie to themselves and love it. Personally, I've grown tired of facetious folks and bullshit...so I keep to myself, wishing I were a rich recluse living in one of them luxurious hotels. In the summer, hit St. Tropez or the Amalfi Coast, Tahiti you know the Virgin Islands. Spring time in Paris is cliché', but I'd still be there. Most definitely London, so I can visit Harrods's Department store and drink Earl Grey Tea till it's coming out of my ears. And by the time the Fall hits, I'd be back in America staying in one of Trumps spots. Because there's nothing like NYC in the Fall and during the holidays. Unfortunately, I am common folk and I just have to live my life like a normal person. Go Figure!!!!

As of now, my life is definitely in disarray. There are days I don't know whether I'm coming or going and that's the truth. I write because it is therapeutic, not because I'm some great literary scholar. I write to deal...I write to heal! Some days I don't know if therapy works, all I know is the Xanax I take stops me from slapping the DOG SHIT out of people and my bouts with anxiety has taught me to STAY FAR AWAY FROM TRIGGER FOLKS! Trigger people are the ones who get on your nerves with a lot of DUMB SHIT! They say dumb shit, do dumb shit and act dumb as shit! So to keep a level of balance in my life I steer clear of people who stress me out and who I don't like. I never understood why people flip out and kill folks, now I do. I have a laundry list of people I'd like to deal with in some way. Killing them just wont suffice, that's too easy! Suffering is more like it...

I can't deal with a lot of silly shit and hate people who think a damn drink or drugs will solve their problems. You can guarantee they'll be there when you sober up or come down off your high, quote me on that one! So this is why I will not allow alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs to control my feelings. And if controlling my temper means staying by myself to meditate and be peaceful, then let me be me!  All I want is a better relationship with God, because I don't look at even him the same anymore. People say we shouldn't question God, yet we all do. Even if you don't realize it, subconsciously you do. See God knows every thought before you even think it, so if you don't say it out loud, you already thought about it! So I just go on and ask him, in my thoughts, out loud and in my prayers. In my heart, I think he respects my honesty and laughs at my sheer ignorance, because he's going to do what he wants anyway. I just wish he didn't take my life away from me, so I'm a little sore and I hate church or anything affiliated with the whole scene. I believe in God with all my heart, but I'm no religious FAKE FANATIC!  You gotta love the people you grew up with who outwardly expressed their hatred for our church and the people in it...now they're "INTO THE LORD!" I think they are full of CRAP! I'm not saying not to serve the Lord, because I think we all should, but I just think they are so phony.

You have people who constantly call on God and constantly do things to people that's down right offensive. I love people who are in church every time the doors are open, but they turn a blind eye to the right and wrong people close to them do. They talk about you to people you don't know and think they're going to make it into the pearly gates. I feel sorry for people like this, because before you die, you have to at least try and make things right with people you've hurt or offended in some way. My mother did this before she died. She had her reasons for disliking Lucas and told him to his face why! She was never one to pull punches, so when she said "You're not good enough for my daughter, you're not on her level and you don't have the means to accommodate her growth or wishes!" Not only was she right, her feelings were valid! My mother was so REAL she even had the BALLS to tell Lucas' father the same thing in a conversation and he agreed with where she was coming from! I doubt he liked her saying what was in her heart, but he RESPECTED it and that's the difference.

At the end of the day, each experience I share with you will wind up in a book or books. If I could sit my ass down and dedicate myself to my life's work. Cuz Lawd knows, I am suffering from ADHD! I don't proof read my blog until I am tired or after I realize I haven't done it at all...so bear with me people, I'm trying to get better.