The first time I realized I was in love, I kind of lost it, but regained my senses quick once I realized how much of a "NARCISSIST" my first love was. Conceited is not the word for this man, CONVINCED is more like it. There's nothing like a man who thinks he's the best thing since Christ's second coming! Looking back, we both were stuck on ourselves and a train wreck waiting to happen. Spoiled and self centered would describe both of us, but I'm sure he'd disagree in a New York minute; calling me crazy and delusional. He'd be right about the crazy, because I would flip out in a minute; whenever I felt "GAME" or "SHADE" coming from him. Now the whole "delusional thing" is not entirely Bible. The thing I hated most about him was his cockiness and deserving attitude. He has this air of "ENTITLEMENT" that drove me bananas, but girls made him that way! Once I saw that, we quickly came to an understanding with me telling him " DO YOU JUST DON'T BRING DRAMA TO ME!" Mind you, I was only fifteen but smart enough to know cooch for boys was "PLENTY" and I was a virgin! I wasn't ready, but the first time I saw him, I knew he was the one. I'd met so many guys, had a million crushes; but when those old crushes cracked for "BANK" it was over. No debate, no begging, not a second thought. I wasn't sleeping with you! But when I saw "HIM" for the first time, I knew he was the one I'd give my virtue to and he was. I made him wait and funny thing: "Homeboy couldn't believe I was a virgin!" Why, because I was LOUD, ANGRY and MEAN? Most girls who act like this are prude and SELFISH with the Va Jay Jay. We build "WALLS" for protection, so being LOUD, ANGRY AND MEAN was an effective defense mechanism for weeding out all the no good fools. But why couldn't I see he was just like the rest? Looking back, he had his ways, but he did RESPECT me and he PROTECTED MY FEELINGS...MY HEART! He did his dirt, but his ALLIEGANCE was TO ME!!! I was just too young to see it. Eventually, he broke my heart and I did things to retaliate against him... things I REGRET today.
Fast forward through years of experience I can say "HE" taught me a lot, which is why I don't "TOLERATE" crap from men. I can be LOUD, ANGRY, MEAN and add CONDESCENDING to the mix and you are in TROUBLE! As much as I "LOVED" him, when "HE" screwed up, I'd leave him alone and we wouldn't speak for months. We went through the WAR as teenagers, I was stubborn and so was he. Women catered to him and I had guys running behind me...even his "so called FRIENDS!" They saw what he couldn't and were willing to risk their friendship just to get next to me. It was a power struggle between us and his friends LOVED every minute of it! All the chaos and confusion, the chicks and rumors; oh it was a mess! Little did he know, everything he did, I knew because of his "FRIENDS." Unfortunately, men never seem to realize when they have a JEWEL and if they do; they seem to think you'll wait forever or until they're tired of "RUNNING AROUND." Not the case over here, I don't do waiting...I'll just leave you alone and I just left "HIM" alone. After a baby and an engagement to another chick; I'd had enough and you know what they say "REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED COLD!" I won't go into it, because REVENGE IS NOT ALWAYS THE ANSWER and I've had to live with that MISTAKE my whole life. Looking back, I should've just done as I've always did...left him alone; but I got in my "FEELINGS" and ruined my life in the process. #LESSONLEARNED#
Today, I thank "HIM" because my experiences with "HIM" taught me NEVER to take a lot of mess off men. I'm not calling you, stalking you or running behind you...period. If you act like I'm a bother and you need space, I will give you the UNIVERSE and you will FEEL IT!
When you become a woman, you learn to make grown up DECISIONS and not do STUPID LITTLE GIRL THINGS. You learn when it's time to STAY and when its' TIME TO WALK AWAY! I've grown and put my BIG GIRL PANTIES ON and know it's time to WALK AWAY. Yes, I've grown from a little spoiled girl into a GROWN WOMAN and it feels good.
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