Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching. Trying to figure out what road to take next. For the first time in my life, I have no distractions, no buffer and no Mommy to run to. All I have are thoughts and strange dreams! Like last night. I dreamt I had another child by someone from my past; who told me he was supposed to be the father of my children. As I write this and listen to Mary sing, I think he was right. The dream made me post this song, I'm having so many revelations.
This post is not about children, it's about choices and decisions I've made ignoring my feelings and hiding my anger. Now back to this dream; I woke up quiet and shaken. Why did I have this dream? It's been on my mind all day and I realize, I've been dreaming about this person ever since our contact four years ago. We'd lost touch for over seventeen years and one day...BOOM! Of course in good fashion, he was himself and I was still me! What's weird is there was a time I never dreamt about him. When things were done, I believed they were. A lot of bad things jumped off between us and I "THOUGHT I HATED HIM!" I wanted to "HATE HIM!" So for years, I used the power of my mind to cultivate and develop this "HATRED!" Well, it worked and for years...at least that's I thought. I'm encrypting my thoughts because I don't want to say too much. Isn't it funny how you think you hate someone and you're completely over them. Until one day they contact you and all those feelings you tried to bury under layers resurface! What do you do? How do you even deal with over twenty something years of hurt, integrated with love and hate? How do you deal with the emotional roller coaster after you've been off "HIS" ride for so long? I didn't know what to say, how to feel or react to him.
But I treat "HIM" as I always do, and as CRAZY as he thinks I am..."HE" knows I RESPECT HIM! Through all the rumors and nonsense over the years, not speaking or seeing each other for years; it never seems to dampen what this complicated thing is between us. We always pick up where we left off, for real and don't miss a beat. There was one time, we sat and talked for a long time; and it just felt so natural and real. We could've been BESTFRIENDS and it's sad because we can't seem to get along, not because I don't or didn't want to. It's because of "HIM" and his unresolved issues and ANGER TOWARD ME! Honestly, I don't think he realizes he's mad at me or has a vendetta. Maybe he wants to get back at me or prove a point to himself. What ever it is, we MISSED SOMETHING GOOD IN EACH OTHER and I know for sure, we could have had a GOOD THING! He would've been my ROADIE, my RIGHTIE and I would've been his RIDE OR DIE CHICK! I make "HIM" laugh with my CRAY CRAY antics and I just enjoy watching the SHOCK VALUE RESPONSES to the things I say or do. He just laughs at what I say and I'm just being me...but secretly, I LOVE to see "HIM" smile! Circumstances, Fate and God has kept us apart. Maybe it's God's plan...but if there were ever another lifetime, I would want to spend my life LAUGHING AND CUTTIN UP WITH MY "FRIEND!"
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