A Lie Hurts Forever...

 

It's been months since I've written an entry on here. But this summer has been a block buster for finding out the truth. Between Lucas and someone I thought told me the truth, I'm a little sick! To my stomach that is. Funny thing, I'm used to Lucas and his lies, they've become apart of life. Sad but true. Therefore, I no longer ask the questions I already know the answer to. I am used to his lies and could care less whether he tells me the truth or not.

Anyway, Lucas and his lies are the past. Right now, there's a devastation I'm feeling I just can't shake.

Last year, I met someone who changed my life and lied to me at the same time. It took awhile, until about a month ago, I found out something I really didn't want to know. Somehow I'm feeling if he lied about something small, what else would I might not want to know?

 

With this latest news, I don't know how to feel? Numbness, emptiness and HURT has filled my heart and I have no idea how to feel...I just know I feel HORRIBLE. Over the course of a year we cultivated a friendship; long talks, texts, laughs and personal things. Little by little, we opened up to each other, sharing bits and intricate pieces of our lives. From day one, he has been a gentleman. No tongue kissing, no patting and feeling on me like some piece of meat. At the of our first real meeting, he gave me a soft endearing kiss on the cheek, tied my sneakers in the train station and made me feel more protected than I have in years. Good morning, afternoon, evening and good night texts just to say Hey, has meant more to me than anything. Only to find out "this!" Have we had ups and breakdowns in communication? Yes! Have I been harsh, impatient and snappy with him out of frustration with Lucas? Yes! Did I take out a lot of my irritability issues with Lucas on him, absolutely! Yet he has been really patient and quiet about it, despite my demeanor at times. Yes, there has been times I've given him FEVER! Because I didn't trust him much either. Has he done some things I hate...YASSS! Do I think he can be selfish and self centered like most men...OH YEAH! But nobody's perfect and we're not exclusive or an item. We're really friends! But I do think feelings have developed between us. Yes...I do! Did either of us expect this to happen? No! We haven't even gotten physical with each other, but there's something DEFINITELY there!

We seem to do more talking and getting to know each other more than anything else. He feels like my BESTFRIEND and I have grown fond of our friendship and miss him when he doesn't call. And once he does call or text...the first thing he says is IMY= I MISS YOU! When I see IMY in my text, it melts my heart more than hearing him say it. What's weird is I like things the way are. I know about his many conquests, his ex girlfriend and all the women who chase him down. There are barely, if any secrets between us, except this one and it HURTS!

Once the truth came out, I didn't have the heart to ask him about it. We didn't talk for two weeks. Each morning I woke up, sat on the edge of my couch and wondered why? Went through almost every conversation we've ever had and couldn't figure out why it was so hard for him to have told me the truth. Yes, there are intervals of time where we go without talking to each other and for me that's fine. We both have lives. When he finally did text me, I acted as if nothing happened for a few days-we talked like normal, but my heart had to expose the truth. The hurt was too great and I didn't know how to handle the pain...my heart was wounded. So I did what I felt I had to do, ask!

Long story short, I asked him if he remembered our first meeting and what I told him about Lucas lying to me when he first met me. Of course, his response was no! On cue, I reminded him...of an old saying "When you start a relationship with a lie, it will end with one!" After reminding him, he denied his lie and I abruptly changed the subject and we began talking about other things. He had no idea the extent of the damage he caused, because I refused to let him know. Sometimes it's not worth it. 

I guess because I can't express my betrayal, I will write about it. Why do people lie? Especially when you first meet someone. The best thing to do is tell the truth, it might not get you the result you want, but it will save you (and the person you hurt) a lot of embarrassment and heart ache later.

Right now, I am so numb and feel sick to my stomach because I trusted him and believed he was good people. It took some soul searching and other things to realize maybe I was looking at things through rose colored glasses...GOD FORGIVE ME!

The question is? Where do you go from here? How do you ever trust anyone, when all men do is tell unnecessary lies? As I sit here I feel sicker and sicker writing this, my stomach has been in knots for weeks and this lie has definitely changed the dynamics of my life forever.