During my pre-teen years, I began having dreams about her dying. I'd wake up shook, with the dream on my mind. For as long as I could, I'd try not to cry, because my mother didn't like all that crying and carrying on. But once I'd get to the table to eat breakfast, I'd break down and my mother would have to call my Grandmother, so I could hear her voice and stop crying. As I write this, my heart hurts because I was only about eleven years old and so AFRAID I was going to lose her. See Mommy and I really didn't have the relationship we had later in life. My mother wasn't that crazy about me and it showed. So Grandma was my lifeline! I could do NO WRONG in her or my Grandfather's eyes.
Deep down I couldn't fathom of losing my Grandmother. She was my BESTFRIEND for real. I didn't have to buy her, lie to her to make my life exciting or go to crazy extremes to win her acceptance...I just had to be me! There was no wondering if she loved me, she showed me in every way. I was a kid whenever I with my Grandparents. As I'd gotten older, I washed the dishes and cleaned up for her with out her asking-that's the kind of love I had for her, always wanting to make her happy. We had a bond that was unbreakable and we were inseparable. My memories are full of good times and love, growing up in South Ozone Park. I miss her cooking, the scent of the house and it's funny how when the matriarch of a family dies, they take their presence out of the house with them. I believe scents are intertwined with a person's spirit, even if it's a natural body odor. I know because Mommy had one too and when I went in our house it was so cold and her scent was replaced with stale remnants of her illness. After that, I NEVER WENT UPSTAIRS AGAIN! Funny thing, I constantly went over Grandma's house to see my Grandfather. The emptiness wasn't as great, but I knew her spirit wasn't there.
One Sunday afternoon as we came in from church, the phone rang. But the ring was deafening and still, with the longest pause after each ring. My Father picked the phone, my Grandfather was on the other line. All I remember is my Mother screaming and me collapsing, I knew she was gone before my Father answered the phone. Everything after that was a blur. My Great Grandmother and ten of my grandmother's siblings had to bury "Laura Mae!" She was the favorite Auntie to her nieces and nephews. There was always FOOD, LOVE and FAMILY at her house, ALWAYS and a HOUSE FULL OF PEOPLE! Barbecues were thrown on a dime, just because folks started showing up, imagine that! Big Dinners with so many people, you couldn't turn around in the house. Kids running all over the place in and out of the house, the cops driving by to make sure we didn't get to brawling. I guess they couldn't believe that many Black folk could be in one place (during the summer) at one time and not be fighting! Mind you, the liquor stayed on deck in my family and my Uncle Kitchee had the most successful and well known Bars in Queens. So people from there wound up at Laura's house!
Life is different now. She's gone, my Grandfather died in 2000 from Diabetes and drinking and I fell apart along time ago! I never felt so alone in my life after she passed. I became complacent and developed anxiety years after, it took me years to move on from the trauma and my fears coming to fruition. Just when I was making head way, Mommy passes away and I had to deal with that! I'm going to close out with this; Love your FOLKS...ALL OF THEM! Because it's true, one day GOD IS GOING TO NEED THEM BACK! I am a little upset with GOD for taking my Mother and Grandma so young. I think it's unfair, not to have them here with me. Grandma was 49 when she died and Mommy was 53...yet Great Grand Momma lived to be 86 years old and she died over a mistake the hospital made! I'm just saying, the greatest blessing in your life is God sparing the lives of the people who support you. I am on my own and feel like a "Motherless Child!" People wonder why I'm so GUARDED and ABRUPT? My sister used to say " You think the whole world is against you, WHY?" Was she kidding? I won't go into that, but she is one of the reasons why I will FOREVER REMAIN GUARDED! The three people I LOVED MOST IN THIS LIFE ARE GONE and I CAN TRUST NO ONE...I told Lucas this and I'm a little puzzled why people think you're crazy for nor trusting them. Do I need to tell you, it's the ones closest to you that BETRAY YOU?
Despite all I've one through in my life, I KNOW ONE THING FOR SURE...THE THREE PEOPLE I LOVED MORE THAN MYSELF ARE GONE AND I WILL NEVER HAVE THAT TRUST FOR ANYONE OTHER THAN THEM...QUOTE ME ON THAT!
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