I AM MY MOTHER'S DAUGHTER...

I know I talk about Mommy so much in my life, especially because she's no longer here.
They say the prayers of the RIGHTEOUS availeth much and Mommy was a praying mother. She didn't just pray for thirty minutes, she'd be on her knees over an hour at times; just praying and crying out to God. For protection of our family, and just to deal with life. During those times, my brother, sister and I would run through the house terrorizing (quietly though) and just being kids. As I'd gotten older, it was phone check for me, because I'd be calling my friends to gossip while she prayed.
What I didn't realize then, that I realize now; it was the prayers of my mother that kept us all safe, put food on our table, clothes on our backs and kept a roof over our heads. We were barely if ever sick, it was as if her prayers were our protection. The mark on the door (her prayers) allowed the "Angel of Death" to constantly pass over us! I just want to say there is nothing like a "PRAYING MOTHER" one who STAYS ON HER KNEES IN PRAYER FOR THE LOVE OF HER FAMILY! We went to church, more than I cared to go, but she made sure we were there on a regular basis. I didn't hate church, I had a few issues with how much people talked about each other and their children. They really had a hard time minding their own business and ruined many relationships between parents and children. I know, because they "TRIED" to ruin mines and Mommy's.




Mommy aka Katie

What amazes me about church folk and family, is their judgmental attitudes towards people and how they raise their children. Everyone thinks they have all the answers, I've learned no one does. You walk the walk of parenting, by FAITH ALONE & GUIDANCE FROM THE LORD! Mommy was ridiculed and put under pressure by the people in church and family for how she raised me. Now don't get it confused, we didn't have the greatest relationship at all, thus the reason I feel I've made the wrong choices throughout my entire life. Especially in men, looking for the LOVE and ACCEPTANCE I didn't get from her. Yes, I was the "Black Sheep" of the family, because I was a straight shooter. I always said what was on my mind. I fought a lot as a child and had extreme anger issues to go along with a nasty, nasty temperament. If you hit me as a child, I'd hit you back. My mother was called up to school many days for me fighting with boys, not girls...BOYS! At a point, I saw a psychologist and the entire School Based Support Team; because they thought I'd be better suited in a Special Education class.  Mommy was so angry about it, I received the beating of my life behind it and that was the end of my days, "acting out" for no reason. I didn't understand it then, but Mommy was trying to groom me into a young lady and Lord knows what a time that must've been, because I was a TYRANT & A REBEL! I was extremely smart, but BORED in school. Eventually, the school officials realized I deserved to be in an I.G.C class. Back in the seventies, those were known as "Intellectually Gifted Classes" for academically advanced children. Of course, I relented and didn't want to go, I felt I didn't fit in and didn't want to leave my friends. I was nothing like the children in those classes. They were calm, cool and collected little scholars, me I was all over the place and as wild as a TASMANIAN DEVIL! Right today my father calls me "TAS" for short, because I was a HELL RAISER! There was no way I'd be able to sit still long enough to listen to the tell their boring little stories, I was too busy running around climbing trees, falling off the bathroom walls in school, throwing rocks at school buses and pulling the fire alarm in school. One year, my friend Chryl Jackson and I cleared the entire elementary school out and I got a good ass whipping for that!

I was horrible, in every since of the word and a I got older, it became worse.

My childhood was rough and the coming of age years were torrid! Mommy was so busy worrying about what other folks had to say about me and questioning her parenting skills. Now I realize, my acting out was a cry or help! I acted out for many years, missing out on many opportunities; it's so much deeper than this, but I can't go into it now. But I will say, as I got older, I began to understand Mommy and after I had my own children, I had the chance to be put through the same things I put her through. The only difference is, I had sense enough to know the discipline she gave was for my own good. The administration of it (my discipline) may have not always been right, but I've learned so much from her and our tumultuous experiences over the years...that I THANK HER! I THANK HER, I THANK YOU MOMMY! For SAVING MY LIFE, for telling me NO, for screening the "VULTURES (men), for making me GO TO CHURCH and TAKE GOD SERIOUSLY. For teaching me, how to have a little sense about myself, to be CLAIRVOYANT, to keep house, to cook and most of all BE MYSELF! God is good and life is funny, because through a casual conversation I had with my first love; it felt so good to hear him say "YOUR MOTHER DID A GOOD JOB WITH YOU!" I couldn't believe my ears or contain myself, because he ridiculed me a lot for not being able to: wear pants, run the streets, party or sleep with him whenever and he hated the fact I was a CHURCH GIRL & Mommy kept THE REIGNS TIGHT! It took him twenty something years, along with personal growth and wisdom to realize I WAS A GOOD GIRL! He doesn't know it, but I appreciated what he said SO MUCH! Validation from him that Mommy was doing the right thing gave me reassurance, it made me FEEL SO GOOD! When he left me that day, I looked up at the sky & said :"Mommy, did you hear that?" And people think GOD AIN'T GOOD and not BEING A LOOSE WHORE doesn't benefit you later on in life!

People always felt because I was raised in church, I was going to cut loose and act a fool...But, GOD HAD OTHER PLANS, because I DIDN'T and I'm still here today because of GRACE and FAVOR.

My hard head and DISOBEDIENCE has me between and rock and a hard place right now, but I'm praying God will see fit to BLESS ME ONE DAY TO STAND ON MY OWN & DEAL WITH MY GRIEF! All I learned is because of MOMMY and without her...I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D BE! I'm not where I should be, but IT AIN'T OVER YET AND I HOPE GOD SEES MY HEART AND HELPS ME GET TO THAT PLACE! I AM MY MOTHER'S DAUGHTER AND PROUD TO BE...I CAN NEVER FILL THEM SHOES. I MIGHT HAVE TO DIE TRYING, BUT GOD GAVE ME A GOOD PATTERN TO FOLLOW I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT, BUT I'LLTRY!