With each passing birthday a lot of retrospective thinking is on deck, depending on the age, the year and what's going on in my life. But soul searching this year, made me return to the source.The Genesis and beginning, and what I found made me cringe. For many years I thought about 1986, how much I praised, loved and basked in the life of that year. Now I can see how many mistakes I made. The sad part is it took me years to realize I wasted my time with a someone I thought I dearly loved and I couldn't have been more deceived, stupid and wrong. My pain and hunger for the love I'd loss when my Grandmother died, caused me to make the biggest mistake of my life. Which is the reason I decided to write this blog entry. When you know some things definitely altered the course of your life, you tend to want to share these negative experience to save some other unexpecting soul from the same hurt and pain.
Young girls tend to make rash decisions based on pain, trauma or major change in their lives. That year, I was suffering from all three. First, my Grandmother died devastating me beyond measure. It was traumatic for me to lose the biggest cheerleader in my life, my Grandmother was my world. Her dying brought about major changes in our lives and family. I knew things would never be the same. I thought it was the cruelest joke God could've ever played on us...she was all we had. As big as my family is, the closeness we once shared was gone. We were no longer "clannish!" My mother and I were orphaned in the blink of an eye. Yes, my Great Grandmother was still alive and so were seven of my Grandmother's sisters and three of her five brothers...but we were still alone. My Grandfather was not the biological father of my mother and uncle so he really had no obligation to us at all. He did stay around though and did the best he could. In the end, he was all we really had. My Uncle wound up fighting his demons through drug use, so he wasn't around much, especially through the crack epidemic. My father was present, but he was doing his thing, he had no time for a grieving young wife, so that just left us. And by us I mean; Mommy, me and my siblings! To add insult to injury, I'd met my biological father (for the first time in my life) at fifteen years old. Let me just say it was an experience. Daddy was cool, but I had so many unanswered questions and a lot of confusion raced through my mind. I inherited an older brother, a sister (one year younger than me) a younger brother and a step-mother. In the beginning things were a little weird, but we all got to know each other over time. But looking back, it really was a lot for a fifteen year old girl to process in one year. Losing my Grandmother and meeting my biological father in a span of three months was WAY TOO MUCH! It also didn't help that Mommy and I didn't have the best relationship, so I pretty much felt lost.
Around that time I was spiraling out of control in school. Fighting, cutting and acting out HARD!
It was because of my behavior as a miscreant, I had to attend summer school at Beach Channel. Looking back, I wish God had re-written that part of my story. It was there I met my "SHEEP IN WOLF'S CLOTHING!" I should've known he was the ultimate waste of time, but when you're young, naïve and a virgin you tend to make the dumbest decisions of your life. When you're in mental pain, grieving and dealing with life altering changes, the last thing you need is a selfish ass, self centered, self serving, NARCISSITIC SOCIO PATH!
It has taken me YEARS to realize how FULL OF SHIT HE REALLY WAS and HOW DUMB I WAS FOR CHOOSING HIM TO BE "THE FIRST!" There's no need to discuss the in between, because he was really a piece of work and thought the sun rose and set on his ass. I spent the ages of fifteen to twenty something really in love with this clown. Doing all I could to get his attention, to the point where I couldn't see I NEVER MATTERED TO HIS ASS AT ALL! Only one girl did and Kudos to her, I ain't mad...she did her thing , by playing his ass so he can really experience the pain he caused me and others. He really never had me fooled, I knew he didn't care, too SPOILED and SELFISH! Always running around amongst our mutual friends trying to keep up this "IMAGE" and I'm not sure why!
Well, my birthday is Sunday, I will be forty four years old and I REGRET THE VERY HISTORY I HAD WITH THIS MAN! I married his BEST FRIEND to get his attention, because of all the mess he'd done to me over the years and it was the BIGGEST MISTAKE I EVER MADE! So I have no choice but to think, if I didn't meet his ass, maybe my life would be TOTALLY DIFFERENT. Today, I harbor no ill will toward my Ex-husband. Truth be told he was a lot of things, we carried on like Fraizer and Sphinx, but he was better to me in many more ways. Was he crazy, yes! Do I want to be bothered with him...NAH! But what makes him THE BETTER MAN IS HIS APOLOGY TO ME AFTER I LEFT HIM...WAY MORE THAN FROM THE WOLF IN SHEEPS CLOTHING I THOUGHT I LOVED FOR SO MANY YEARS!
So as I sit here tonight, all I can ask myself is "WHAT WOULD MY LIFE REALLY BE LIKE IF I HADN'T CHOSE THAT CLOWN?" Am I bitter, NO...are there regrets...HELL YEAH! SMH, If I could turn back the hands of time on that now defunct "C Train" I wouldn't have given his FUNKY ASS THE TIME OF DAY I CAN TELL YOU THAT! And as another year of WISDOM IS ADDED TO MY LIFE, I HOPE SHARING THIS WITH ONE OF YOU WILL GET YOU TO THINKING TOO! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME...
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