WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE

Men make the stupidest choices; and when it's all over with they wind up miserable, bitter and in a state of angry delusion. Because YOU'VE cast pearls before swine and ended up with the pig YOU deserved. I find myself laughing at my friends old ex's who ask me about them. This is the girl YOU decided to LEAVE for some HEAUX BAG. Funny thing is; YOU didn't appreciate her love or loyalty. YOU didn't appreciate how many guys she turned down, because of her loyalty. And YOU never dreamed she'd leave, but she did and now you're kicking yourself, because YOU were so busy trying to "BE THE MAN or THAT NIGGA!"
I will never understand men or why it takes them losing something good to realize that girl was the best thing to ever happen to YOU; and deep down you loved really LOVED HER! Maybe you suffered from HYSTERICAL BLINDNESS and couldn't see what was right in front of you. Or was it your selfishness that prevented you from keeping the best thing in life. Her LOVE FOR YOU was UNCONDITIONAL! Now the whole world has to suffer for your callous mistake. The fact you were over confident that she'd never leave you, was crazy; even pipes burst when too much pressure runs through them. So how long is a girl supposed to wait, be patient, understanding...while dealing with your deceit and crap? For as long as you want her to? Sorry, real life doesn't work out that way and one day she will walk out on you. When it happens you won't care, because you'll be too busy chasing tail (dirty tail) to realize the mistake you're making.
Usually men allow sex to become a distraction, leaving the one girl who was perfect for you. It's no one's fault but your own, this is what YOU wanted and now you're sorry for wasting your time and money on a HEAUX! After she gets through using and playing you the way you've played everyone else; ALL WOMEN BECOME HEAUX'S, BITCHES, SLUTS and EVERYTHING but GOOD to YOU!  The experience has made you bitter and you try to HURT every woman because of the woman who HURT you. But why? YOU had a decent girl and you MISCONSTRUED SEX FOR LOVE and GOT PLAYED...NOW YOU"RE MAD? WOW!!!
Recently, I ran into one of my good friend's ex-boyfriends. After our Hello's, her name was the first thing out of his mouth. Of course, he wants to know how and what she's doing and who would be crazy enough to put up with her. I put the CEASE and DESIST on this CLOWN, in good old Zanee' Fashion! "Man, don't go there with all that!" Because I wasn't about to stand there and listen to him "DOG HER OUT" because he screwed up. I had to do it and I politely, brashly put it on dude; raking him over the coals for breaking her heart. I know all too well about this story, so NO, I'm not going to listen to you talk about my friend. Once he realized I wasn't with the nonsense, he began a confessional; and I'll just leave it at him telling me "I MISS HER AND I SHOULD HAVE MARRIED HER WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE!" Oh really? Now you MISS HER? I smiled and said "That's all you need to say to me, because I can see straight through the CHARADE!" But now you're married to the chick you "THOUGHT" YOU WANTED and YOU"RE NOT HAPPY!
The moral of this story is be true to yourself and feelings...leave the past in the past. Forgive, forget and let go. Make peace with people and mend broken fences.  The anger, bitterness and resentment is not worth your health. If you're not happy, move on and LET IT GO! We all make mistakes and I think it's funny how women will LEAVE a man QUICKER than a man will LEAVE a wife or woman, he KNOWS he doesn't want to be with. My question is, WHY? If you're unhappy in your relationship or marriage...realize one thing life is too short to live in misery! Do what makes you HAPPY and LOVE WHO MAKES YOU HAPPY! If you can, go back and right your wrongs...if you want to reclaim YOUR TREASURE, GET RID OF YOUR PRIDE!


Musiq - Dontchange

 

This is the kind of LOVE you wait for. Some of us find it sooner than others. Some of us FIND IT, LOSE IT or MISS IT!!! Many of us NEVER receive it...Well, at least I can say I felt like this ONCE in my life. I might have come close in 1999, but NEVER again! The older I get, the more I wish I had the LOVE I wished for as a little girl. So I will just inspire and encourage others to FIND LOVE and KEEP IT! Put your PRIDE TO THE SIDE, we all need someone to laugh with, share stories and life's milestones and experiences; GOOD and BAD! And in the end, hold my hand when it's time for me to go!

Kindred The Family Soul "Far Away"

Is it me or do the Neo Soul Artist have lyrics that touch your SOUL? They know the Essence of LOVE and it's REAL!!! These are the artist who keep you in LOVE with the idea of LOVE! Life is too short to fuss and fight. Too short to waste time on people who don't share common interest or LOVE!

Kindred The Family Soul "Where Would I Be"

Songs like this only make sense when you really know what it is to LOVE: In spite of and Despite all the WRONG in Life! I used to sit and listen to this song over and over again...just thinking!

Jill Scott - My Love

 

No Words Needed Just Listen and Peep The Creativity At Work!

Mary J. Blige - Missing You

 

Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching. Trying to figure out what road to take next. For the first time in my life, I have no distractions, no buffer and no Mommy to run to. All I have are thoughts and strange dreams! Like last night. I dreamt I had another child by someone from my past; who told me he was supposed to be the father of my children. As I write this and listen to Mary sing, I think he was right. The dream made me post this song, I'm having so many revelations.

This post is not about children, it's about choices and decisions I've made ignoring my feelings and hiding my anger. Now back to this dream; I woke up quiet and shaken. Why did I have this dream? It's been on my mind all day and I realize, I've been dreaming about this person ever since our contact four years ago. We'd lost touch for over seventeen years and one day...BOOM! Of course in good fashion, he was himself and I was still me! What's weird is there was a time I never dreamt about him. When things were done, I believed they were. A lot of bad things jumped off between us and I "THOUGHT I HATED HIM!" I wanted to "HATE HIM!" So for years, I used the power of my mind to cultivate and develop this "HATRED!" Well, it worked and for years...at least that's I thought. I'm encrypting my thoughts because I don't want to say too much. Isn't it funny how you think you hate someone and you're completely over them. Until one day they contact you and all those feelings you tried to bury under layers resurface! What do you do? How do you even deal with over twenty something years of hurt, integrated with love and hate? How do you deal with the emotional roller coaster after you've been off "HIS" ride for so long? I didn't know what to say, how to feel or react to him.

But I treat "HIM" as I always do, and as CRAZY as he thinks I am..."HE" knows I RESPECT HIM! Through all the rumors and nonsense over the years, not speaking or seeing each other for years; it never seems to dampen what this complicated thing is between us. We always pick up where we left off, for real and don't miss a beat. There was one time, we sat and talked for a long time; and it just felt so natural and real. We could've been BESTFRIENDS and it's sad because we can't seem to get along, not because I don't or didn't want to. It's because of "HIM" and his unresolved issues and ANGER TOWARD ME! Honestly, I don't think he realizes he's mad at me or has a vendetta. Maybe he wants to get back at me or prove a point to himself. What ever it is, we MISSED SOMETHING GOOD IN EACH OTHER and I know for sure, we could have had a GOOD THING! He would've been my ROADIE, my RIGHTIE and I would've been his RIDE OR DIE CHICK! I make "HIM" laugh with my CRAY CRAY antics and I just enjoy watching the SHOCK VALUE RESPONSES to the things I say or do. He just laughs at what I say and I'm just being me...but secretly, I LOVE to see "HIM" smile! Circumstances, Fate and God has kept us apart. Maybe it's God's plan...but if there were ever another lifetime, I would want to spend my life LAUGHING AND CUTTIN UP WITH MY "FRIEND!"

A JIMMY AND CHRISSY KIND OF LOVE

The older I get, the more I realize what matters.
Growing up, I was a helpless romantic and I believed in LOVE!
I wanted to find that one person to grow old with and spend the rest of my life loving him.
As life goes on, you grow up, you meet "the one" or so you think; and they let you down so hard, it takes a life time to regroup. I've spent the last  twenty something years trying to figure out where I went wrong in my life and still can't make sense of anything.

If I had one wish in the world, it would be to have a Jimmy and Chrissy kind of love! He loves her with the fervency and reckless abandonment, women wish for. I LOVE THEM TOGETHER and I LOVE HIS DEDICATION TO HER. That's LOVE!!! Women run behind men so much; they aren't smart enough to allow men to pursue them. Women are so in love with the thought and the idea of love, their vision becomes distorted and they suffer from a Hysterical Blindness of sorts. It took me so many years to figure out when it's real, now that I know...I'm good to go. I had to learn what love is and what it's not! After my mother died, I prayed God would move Lucas out of my life, before things got to where they are now. I was hopeful, because I prayed about it and was sure God would send me someone to make me feel safe and secure, it hasn't happened yet! Not much has changed and life is still the same. Sleepless nights have become second nature for me, all I do is think. I think about my life, my dreams and how selfish people take up space in your life, because they don't want to see you happy. It took me  years, but I now KNOW for SURE what's REAL, TOLERATED and FAKE! Some people have the type of love where they can't bear being without each other, they complete one another...make each other feel whole. Then there's tolerated love; where we're together because of the kids, or because of a pregnancy (so you're forced to marry) or you're just settling because there is nothing else left to do. Lastly, you have the fakes, people who measure their love by lies and years. Some of us fall in to both of the last categories and I for one don't understand how men do it! Women are different, but men? Do you want to be there or are you forcing yourself to?

When I look at two people, I can tell if it's real or if they're "winging" it! Jim and Chrissy are not winging anything. He is completely enamored with her and it permeates through the screen. About two years ago, I met a guy and we became friends through small talk the day after the storm. We had connections in life by the people we knew, so I allowed him into my circle. One thing I admired about him (although we no longer speak) was his honesty. We hardly knew each other, but he began telling me how he watched me for a year. Now it may sound creepy, but I knew where he was going with it. To make my point, he admitted to admiring me as a woman. How I carried myself, how I moved, how I dealt with people and my family. He admitted to knowing my schedule and having a serious "CRUSH" on me, yet out of respect for Lucas, he never said anything to me. I could tell it was more than a "CRUSH," in the way he looked at me and treated me with respect. Our conversations became deeper and our friendship grew, especially after I found out about Lucas and his disaster. We spent a lot of time together, with me confiding in him about my catastrophic relationship.

To make a long story short, nothing ever transpired between us, other than understanding, long talks and what I thought was a friendship. He saw in me, what someone close to him, didn't see...and told me he was IN LOVE WITH ME! I was SHOCKED...but I was HAPPY! Because, with all I was going through, it feels good when a man knows you're a woman worth your weight in GOLD! Even Lucas realized his feelings were a little much; but he knew he couldn't retort, because he had his own mess to deal with and I wasn't about to stop being cool with someone who got me through a dark time in my life. Although I no longer speak to my "friend," I know this much; the next guy has some big shoes to fill. We fell out hard, but when he spoke of his feelings, I knew they were GENUINE and he had a girlfriend! But confessed how he felt and let his guard down. I FELT SOMETHING COMING FROM HIM, I'M SORRY...I FELT HIS FEELINGS and they were indeed REAL! He had a lot of mess with him and we talked about his women problems and his girlfriend. I tried to distract him whenever the subject of "US" came into play, that conversation just wasn't sensible and I knew I had to put our "friendship" on ice...thus causing its' demise. I know one thing, even though he wasn't a thought in my mind, I have to admit...I ADMIRED THE ATTENTION and his profession of LOVE for me! And I hope that when the REAL DEAL comes along, HE WILL ACT JUST LIKE HIM!

REPLACING AND SPACING!!!

As a youngster, I've never been one to chase a man. If you show me "face or attitude" once, I'm out; I don't beg to be treated like a second class citizen.
The first time I realized I was in love, I kind of lost it, but regained my senses quick once I realized how much of a "NARCISSIST" my first love was. Conceited is not the word for this man, CONVINCED is more like it. There's nothing like a man who thinks he's the best thing since Christ's second coming!  Looking back, we both were stuck on ourselves and a train wreck waiting to happen. Spoiled and self centered would describe both of us, but I'm sure he'd disagree in a New York minute; calling me crazy and delusional. He'd be right about the crazy, because I would flip out in a minute; whenever I felt "GAME" or "SHADE" coming from him. Now the whole "delusional thing" is not entirely Bible. The thing I hated most about him was his cockiness and deserving attitude. He has this air of "ENTITLEMENT" that drove me bananas, but girls made him that way! Once I saw that, we quickly came to an understanding with me telling him " DO YOU JUST DON'T BRING DRAMA TO ME!" Mind you, I was only fifteen but smart enough to know cooch for boys was "PLENTY" and I was a virgin! I wasn't ready, but the first time I saw him, I knew he was the one. I'd met so many guys, had a million crushes; but when those old crushes cracked for "BANK" it was over. No debate, no begging, not a second thought. I wasn't sleeping with you! But when I saw "HIM" for the first time, I knew he was the one I'd give my virtue to and he was. I made him wait and funny thing: "Homeboy couldn't believe I was a virgin!" Why, because I was LOUD, ANGRY and MEAN? Most girls who act like this are prude and SELFISH with the Va Jay Jay.  We build "WALLS" for protection, so being LOUD, ANGRY AND MEAN was an effective defense mechanism for weeding out all the no good fools. But why couldn't I see he was just like the rest? Looking back, he had his ways, but he did RESPECT me and he PROTECTED MY FEELINGS...MY HEART! He did his dirt, but his ALLIEGANCE was TO ME!!! I was just too young to see it. Eventually, he broke my heart and I did things to retaliate against him... things I REGRET today.

Fast forward through years of experience I can say "HE" taught me a lot, which is why I don't "TOLERATE" crap from men. I can be LOUD, ANGRY, MEAN and add CONDESCENDING to the mix and you are in TROUBLE! As much as I "LOVED" him, when "HE" screwed up, I'd leave him alone and we wouldn't speak for months. We went through the WAR as teenagers, I was stubborn and so was he. Women catered to him and I had guys running behind me...even his "so called FRIENDS!" They saw what he couldn't and were willing to risk their friendship just to get next to me. It was a power struggle between us and his friends LOVED every minute of it! All the chaos and confusion, the chicks and rumors; oh it was a mess! Little did he know, everything he did, I knew because of his "FRIENDS." Unfortunately, men never seem to realize when they have a JEWEL and if they do; they seem to think you'll wait forever or until they're tired of "RUNNING AROUND." Not the case over here, I don't do waiting...I'll just leave you alone and I just left "HIM" alone. After a baby and an engagement to another chick; I'd had enough and you know what they say "REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED COLD!" I won't go into it, because REVENGE IS NOT ALWAYS THE ANSWER and I've had to live with that MISTAKE my whole life. Looking back, I should've just done as I've always did...left him alone; but I got in my "FEELINGS" and ruined my life in the process. #LESSONLEARNED#

Today, I thank "HIM" because my experiences with "HIM" taught me NEVER to take a lot of mess off men. I'm not calling you, stalking you or running behind you...period. If you act like I'm a bother and you need space, I will give you the UNIVERSE and you will FEEL IT!
When you become a woman, you learn to make grown up DECISIONS and not do STUPID LITTLE GIRL THINGS. You learn when it's time to STAY and when its' TIME TO WALK AWAY! I've grown and put my BIG GIRL PANTIES ON and know it's time to WALK AWAY. Yes, I've grown from a little spoiled girl into a GROWN WOMAN and it feels good.

HEALING AND WANTING TO MOVE ON...

At this point in my life, I want to move on and away from HURT! But sometimes I feel I can't and it makes me angry.
It's sad to say, but I equate certain people with the word HURT! What's more uncomfortable about my life is I have to "co-parent" with my HURT for the rest of my life and I don't want to. When I left my ex-husband, I was six months pregnant and done...with no regrets. But I wasn't as ANGRY with my ex than this man now, I just don't want to be bothered anymore.
How can you heal after a blatant offense if the person refuses to leave? I never knew men used children as pawns, I only thought women did that kind of mess. What's even harder is when you were "FRIENDS" with this person and they really weren't your "FRIEND!" I considered this person a "FRIEND" but then I realized, "FRIENDS DON'T BETRAY EACH OTHER"  not to the magnitude I was BETRAYED! For years, I questioned the loyalty of his FRIENDSHIP and I was right for being DOUBTFUL. I never question my gut, I just don't...because nine times out of ten, I'm ALWAYS RIGHT! The only thing I want in my life right now, is to be alone so I can heal. I don't want to live with anyone, sleep next to anyone or have sex with anyone for a LONG TIME. Once again, it is time to FIND ME! I just want to be HAPPY again and find HAPPINESS within MYSELF. I don't mind being alone or celibate. Especially, when you get tired of someone...How do you get them to realize, what they broke cannot be fixed, because I don't want it to be! The choice you made, is the choice you deserve to live with and that's all. Why stay around and pretend it's for the children, when you can just move out and parent from afar? Find a woman who will accept your children, plus the one you fathered on the outside and move on. When you've done wrong, own it and be adult about it and just move on. It's not worth causing someone pain, because you made a decision you CHOSE to make. I've dealt with so much loss, it's time for GAIN in my life. I want to GAIN MY HAPPY BACK....and COMPLETELY! I cannot LOVE someone I never LOVED in the first place and I cannot FORGIVE someone, who doesn't consider my feelings and give me the one thing I ask for and that's SPACE! So how do you heal, when a person doesn't see the need to let you be?

BLESSING THOSE WHO CURSE YOU...HAPPINESS CAN BE SHARED!

I'm the first one to congratulate some one, any one about accomplishments or milestones in their lives. I've always offered a kind word of  encouragement to an acquaintance, family member or close friend. This has been my mantra forever and I always love to see people do well, because life is too short to be so unhappy. It's funny though, cause sometimes I feel like Job or like my blessings seem to pass me by! Jealousy is a wasted emotion and I NEVER envy what anyone has, looks like or does. You have no idea what the person has had to go through to obtain or maintain their lifestyle. Nah, Thanks I'm Fine! Jealousy and Envy are one of the Seven Deadly Sins, and I THANK GOD I DON"T HAVE THAT PROBLEM. I have many, but jealousy isn't one of them.

Women especially have a problem with the "GREEN-EYED DRAGON" as Mommy called it. Sad, but true...there are times I can see broads "GREEN WITH ENVY" with other women, for the most asinine and stupid things. Is it really that deep? Jealousy is just another heavy bag to carry and add to the list of "hang ups" you already have.

Mommy taught me early in life about jealousy and how it destroys you as a person. It stops you from being free in your spirit and drives people away from you and blocks your blessings. Growing up, I watched females just carry on over men, clothes, friendships, who looked better...just plain stupid things. If I realized you were sipping on that "HATER JUICE", we couldn't rock.

There's nothing like "POSERS" people who pretend to like you and know they hate you. Then you have people who sabotage your relationships or are jealous of the person you're with and will move Hell to DESTROY what you have or the potential your relationships.

Then you have frenemies; you know the ones on the low who wish you well, yet secretly want what you have. Hate to see you prosper or have anymore than they have. Don't have a little more than the average Joe, you will be hated TRUST ME! I've seen people deliberately wreck HAVOC in folks lives over JEALOUSY.

I have been the victim of envy and jealousy with people and close friends. So much so, I have developed serious trust issues with people; and I mean SERIOUS! One thing about me, I don't have time to hate, be jealous or envy anybody. It takes too much energy out of you and my problems are many, so I don't have time to plot the demise of anyone or their happiness. In fact, I wish you well and pray God continue to bless you always. I am honest, earnest and true, even if you dislike me, believe me...I don't have time for you. My plate is full and stays full. I'm fighting for my life, my freedom and my sanity. Too busy asking God when I can finally be happy for me! Asking God to deliver me out of the situation I'm in with Lucas, help me deal with the grief of losing Mommy and just to feel a little better than I've been feeling. So no, I don't have time to feel some kind of way, I am waiting for my BLESSINGS TOO!

Cadillac Record Movie - Beyonce Song Blues ( I'd Rather Go Blind )

When I began this blog, I wanted it to reflect beauty and the fashion industry. However, I wound up taking an alternate path. I think I share my experiences to inspire and encourage people to hold on to the positive and release the negative demons that control their lives.

Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Family, Love and Relationships! No matter how hard my life appears, I make it my business to encourage others to embrace life and all it has to offer and NEVER allow outside forces to RUIN their chances of having HAPPINESS!

With that being said, I just wanted to say sometimes people come into your life for a reason and a season. They are not meant to stay or are they? I had to put this clip up of Beyoncé singing I'd Rather Go Blind, because it is a personal experience of mines; and because I'd rather walk away from hurt or not see a lot of the "TRUTHS" in my life. Sometimes a person can have such a hold on you, your entire life and not have a clue or inkling they are hurting you. But what if they know, but just don't care? Or are too selfish to care? I remember thinking how long it took me to "get over" HIM and our seventeen year space. I thought for sure I was over all those feelings, but I realized later I was lying to myself and wish he never contacted me; because all those old feelings have been flooding my mind ever since. I am no longer angry with HIM, I am upset because I can't LOVE ANYONE ELSE BECAUSE OF HIM!  Not because I want to be with him, but what we had (in my mind) was a bond that couldn't be broken; only I realized  he didn't feel that way about me!  I never really knew how he felt and I wish HE would've been as honest with me as I've always been with him. Wistful thinking as Mommy would say! Now all I can do is wish for that feeling again, but I think that's done...because LOVE LIKE THAT IS RARE!

The last time we saw each other, with out reservation he said "I KNOW YOU LOVE ME!" It was as if he finally realized what I felt was real. He gave me the warmest, safest hug and I knew then, it would be the last time I'd see him. Something inside me has died when it comes to LOVE and I doubt my feelings will ever change. I have no idea what life has in store for me, but as I watched this clip, I thought about the moment Len touches Beyoncé's face and she knew it was the end of them.

 TRUE LOVE CAN REALLY HAVE A HOLD ON YOU and it's not easy to SEE what's right in front of you, BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO BLIND!

Cadillac Records - All I Could Do Is Cry

 

The first time I watched Beyoncé sing this song, I got a lump in my chest so tight. I saw my whole life FLASH before me! For some strange reason, I knew the one person I truly loved, would never be with me and I was right. Beyoncé put so much emotion into that song and those tears looked as real as they come; she was definitely singing about me. I am a firm believer in allowing men to be free to choose who they want to be with and if it's not you, LET HIM GO! As young as I was, the first and only time I fell in love, I always gave "HIM" freedom to do "HIM." But one thing about "HIM" was whenever it was our time, it was OUR TIME! I didn't understand then, but I appreciate it now. I spent a lot of my young years crying and stressing over him and waiting for closure I knew would NEVER COME! I wrote countless letters, sent him cards and refused to sleep with other guys or take anyone else seriously, I loved him and he NEVER REALIZED THE EFFECT HE HAD ON ME! The wags stayed wagging and the streets were always talking. Chicks tried to befriend me to talk about the sordid stories and tales of his shenanigans with other girls; but my mother schooled me along time ago and said "Zanee' HE IS TOO YOUNG to settle down right now. You better develop some patience and LET HIM LIVE HIS LIFE!" Mommy was right and I backed off. I didn't contact him unless he called me. But at times, I'd write him when I just wanted to see how "HE" was. Time just went by and a lot of bad things happened between us and I grew increasingly resentful and angry with him.

One night, I asked God to tell me if we'd ever have a future...well the dream told me what I need to know! It was hard for me to accept, but I had to go on with my life and live it the best way I could. He spent years in and out of my life, but we never seemed to get it right. I never understood it, because I NEVER LOVED ANY ONE AS MUCH AS I LOVED HIM!

I've been married, had crushes and four children been in a long term relationship, but I have never felt fulfilled in my life and NEVER fell in love again.

It's amazing, because all these women who spend their time thinking I am hung up on my right now and past situations, don't HAVE A CLUE! I am so real about it, LUCAS KNOWS HOW I FEEL and I PULL NO PUNCHES with him! NO...U R NOT THE ONE #SORRY#!

One day Lucas tried to insult me and say "If he LOVED YOU SO MUCH WHY DONT HE LEAVE HIS SITUATION AND GET WITH YOU!?!" My initial reaction was "WOW!" But then I said "Two people with a history, set BOUNDARIES and they RESPECT them and have MATURED enough to know if something starts off WRONG, IT WILL END WRONG! Unlike you and your trifling  "FRIEND," I have an UNDYING RESPECT AND LOVE FOR HIM, enough to LET HIM BE FREE AND HAPPY IN HIS MARRIAGE! Not cause TROUBLE because I am an EMPTY, MISERABLE, MORALLY BANKRUPT SKANK! When you truly LOVE SOMEONE, you put their happiness first and leave them alone...YOU DONT DISRUPT THEIR FAMILY BECAUSE OF YOUR SELFISH MOTIVES! But I forgot the caliber of TRASHY women you've dealt with...you wouldn't know anything about that!

LOVE IS PATIENT, KIND, NEVER ENDING and IT'S REAL! IF SOMEONE TRULY LOVES YOU, THEY ALLOW YOU TO LOVE WHO YOU WANT, EVEN IF IT'S NOT THEM!

WORDS FROM MY GRANDFATHER...

"Over the years many of my female friends, have branded me as "JUDGEMENTAL" when it comes down to women and promiscuity. But that is far from the truth. I was only passing on the wealth of information I'd been blessed with.
Growing up I had three positive, powerful forces in my life to school and protect me from the "VULTURES" in the streets. God, because he was just watching over me and I hid his word in my heart; and Mommy, because she was on her " A GAME" from day one and knew ALL THE TRICKS OF THE TRADE. She proved that during my coming of age years and it brought us close. My interest in New Edition and crushes in school, made me curious about men. It was Mommy's perspective on the subjects of men, love and relationships, that intrigued me and made her more interesting. Mommy's motto was simple, "Keep yo legs closed!" What Ol' School mother didn't tell you that? And her favorite lines were " Don't be all LOOSE and SLACK with yo'self, smiling is a NO NO! In retrospect, she was so right, because  years later, Biggie's line in One More Chance was "Once you grin, I'm in GAME begins!" And when Mommy heard that, she FELL IN LOVE WITH BIGGIE SMALLS!!! Even though she went to church, I still tortured her with a lot of rap in my car; and upon hearing that line, she was said; "Y'all young gals need to listen more and talk less to these Niggah's! They speak their whole heart and you so stupid and GOO GOO EYED, you're not paying attention to the GAME being ran on you!" Listen more and let him tell you about him. Don't bare your soul to no man, because he uses your words against you, cause you done spoke YOUR WHOLE HEART and told him how to FOOL YOU!
Looking back, her words was food to my soul. And as far as I was concerned Mommy was the GURU of GAME! She grew up during a time when PIMPIN WAS STRONG and she survived. I always wanted to ask her how she never got caught up in all that, but as I grew older I realized Moms had a STRONG CONSTITUTION and she could NOT BE BROKEN. Mommy was MEAN AS A SNAKE BEFORE SHE GOT SAVED! I've seen her do some MEAN crap to men. Not speak, when spoken to. If a man complimented her, she wouldn't even acknowledge it, her look seemed to silence them and she'd dismiss you with the QUICKNESS. Being a naïve little girl, I thought Mommy was mean, but men seemed to FLOCK HER and she REJECTED ALL OF THEM! Later on I realized she knew it was all GAME and she wasn't buying what a dude was selling. Also, her lack of talking made her more INTERESTING TO PURSUE!!! "Men Love CHALLENGE and YOU are nothing but a CONQUEST," was another line she'd use on me, to wake me whenever she though a fool was trying to "LULL" me to sleep with his "GAME!" It was true though, and I learned one thing about men, if you tell them NO, they'll be back and KEEP TELLING THEM NO! It builds RESPECT and CHARACTER IN YOU AND INCREASES THE RESPECT TO YOU FROM THEM!
Another thing I realized if you make a man WAIT LONG TOO LONG, you will see his TRUE COLORS...either he will ALWAYS RESPECT YOU or just LEAVE YOU ALONE! Men can be so conniving and wicked, but there are some GOOD MEN out there. Once I had a guy tell me, a WAGER was placed on my head to see who could SLEEP WITH ME FIRST! I was MORTIFIED!!! But GOD is AMAZING, the guy couldn't help but come to me and say "Zanee' you are so cool, down to earth and sweet that I couldn't sit here and not tell you about our devious plan!" I was very grateful to him for telling me, because, I kind of liked his friend and told him. So I guess his conscience got the best of him and he told me EVERYTHING! That wasn't the first or the last time a BET was placed on my ASS to see who could "BED ME DOWN FIRST!" The thing these fools didn't know back then is, I had GOD ON MY SIDE, WHO YOU GOT? I'M COVERED AND PROTECTED BY THE BLOOD and MY MOMMA'S PRAYERS!
But the person who really put me on to men and their nonsense, was my GRANDFATHER! This old man would get drunk and be telling me things I didn't really get.  He taught me so much about not SLEEPING AROUND and being STINGY with the COOCH! One thing he emphasized was not to have multiple sex partners, because" by the time you're twenty five, you won't have no walls!" I learned so much from my Ol' Man and I miss our talks. My Grandfather did things with me that FATHERS, UNCLES, GRANDFATHERS and BROTHERS should do with their daughters, nieces, grand daughters and sisters... DATE NIGHT! It works...TRUST ME! I'm the woman I am today because of my Grandfather and the men in my life! They took time with me and took me out to dinner, as an example of how a man should treat me. My uncles, my father and my cousins did it and  ALWAYS GAVE ME MONEY and GIFTS. So I didn't have to LAY ON MY BACK TO GET IT! My brother teases me a lot and says I am real funny because I was STINGY with my body and how PROUD he was of me growing up. I owe it all to Mommy and my Grandfather;  they were my first teachers.  My uncles, my Father, my biological Dad, my Pastor and some guys who were just good friends from the streets always looked out for me and would school and PROTECT me! Your body is a temple ladies and you are not a DOOR KNOB; every man should not get a TURN!  It's sad because women have no RESPECT for themselves and VIRTUE is NON EXISTENT. It's to the point, MEN DON'T KNOW HOW TO APPRECIATE A DECENT WOMAN WHO HASN'T SLEPT AROUND! I don't know, so I'm gonna close the post with that...

THE DRAWING BOARD OF CELIBACY

After the birth of my oldest son, I decided I'd made enough mistakes to last a lifetime and it was time to close up shop...NO MORE SEX! See I'd already been married, separated, had one child and another to my dismay. I really didn't want another baby and certainly not under circumstances he'd been conceived. So after much careful thought and consideration, I decided CELIBACY was the life for me. I was tired of going through changes with men and change was needed in me.

I'd left my husband at six months pregnant once I realized REVENGE wasn't a basis for Marriage. I didn't marry my ex husband for the right reasons, I never loved him and he knew it. Through out the marriage, we fought and argued the entire time. We tried to make the best of it, but we knew better. So I decided to leave him, rather than bring my daughter into a situation that would scar her for life.

I came home, returned to school and finished college. But  my mentality was still in the streets. 

The opportunities I've had to "RISE UP" from the ashes of my past were many and I was too dumb to take advantage. College was the first door to freedom. I met so many positive people from different walks of life, who'd gone through trials and faced similar challenges as I had. My sister became a Delta, and I should've too. I was the one who encouraged her to pledge. Again, I watched the opportunity to pledge in the Spring of 97' float out the door. Eventually, I made the mistake of embarking on an ill-fated affair, one I regret to this day. As a result, my son was conceived. I worked for nine months, woke up sick every morning and spit in anything I could, suffering from severe heartburn. It was the roughest pregnancy ever!  My due date was April 11th, but I was so stressed out and embarrassed, he was THIRTEEN DAYS OVER DUE! The people at my job were so loving and supportive, I had two baby showers and more things than I needed...God was GOOD! Yet, I'd over worked myself to the point my body was in atrophy and the baby didn't want to come. Thirteen days later, and after twenty eight hours of labor my son was born via Caesarean Section. After that, I came home from the hospital and took total inventory of my life-I needed a change. During the months after my son's birth, I had time to heal physically. It wasn't as fast as I healed when my daughter was born, it seemed longer. 

Deep thought and retrospect made me realize I needed time ALONE and I made a decision to become CELIBATE! For five years, I sat alone and didn't want to date! I was tired and wanted to devote time to myself and children. My struggles were so great and I was overwhelmed with disappointment. I told myself, God has to fix me, before I can deal with anyone else.

Today I still question decisions in my life, but I will say this...celibacy grants you clarity. There is nothing wrong with being alone, but I will say this "Don't ask God to help you be patient, if you're not ready to be on his time!" I had to learn that a thousand years is a day with the lord and I couldn't tell God my five years of celibacy was enough. In his eyes, I STILL WASN"T READY and because of my impatience, I chose (again) the wrong path. I think if I could've foreseen the next thirteen years into the future, I would've taken a step back and not ignored the little warning bells screaming off the hook in my head!

Have you ever wished someone would just disappear out of your life and you never have to look at them again? How about feeling like you've wasted valuable virtue on someone you didn't even like, because you were in LOVE with the THOUGHT OF LOVE? Waiting on the right person is a good thing, just be prepared to be on GOD'S TIME AND NOT YOUR OWN!

WELL...BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD!!! #DOINGTHISAGAIN#

LOVING MY LAURA MAE...

Next month my Grandmother will be dead twenty seven years. This woman was the light of my life, the beat of my heart and the pulse of blood through my veins! I never wanted to leave her side as a baby and cried as a big girl whenever I had a bad dream about her. My greatest fear was losing her.
During my pre-teen years, I began having dreams about her dying. I'd wake up shook, with the dream on my mind. For as long as I could, I'd try not to cry, because my mother didn't like all that crying and carrying on. But once I'd get to the table to eat breakfast, I'd break down and my mother would have to call my Grandmother, so I could hear her voice and stop crying. As I write this, my heart hurts because I was only about eleven years old and so AFRAID I was going to lose her. See Mommy and I really didn't have the relationship we had later in life. My mother wasn't that crazy about me and it showed. So Grandma was my lifeline! I could do NO WRONG in her or my Grandfather's eyes.

Deep down I couldn't fathom of losing my Grandmother. She was my BESTFRIEND for real. I didn't have to buy her, lie to her to make my life exciting or go to crazy extremes to win her acceptance...I just had to be me! There was no wondering if she loved me, she showed me in every way. I was a kid whenever I with my Grandparents. As I'd gotten older, I washed the dishes and cleaned up for her with out her asking-that's the kind of love I had for her, always wanting to make her happy. We had a bond that was unbreakable and we were inseparable. My memories are full of good times and love, growing up in South Ozone Park. I miss her cooking, the scent of the house and it's funny how when the matriarch of a family dies, they take their presence out of the house with them. I believe scents are intertwined with a person's spirit, even if it's a natural body odor. I know because Mommy had one too and when I went in our house it was so cold and her scent was replaced with stale remnants of her illness. After that, I NEVER WENT UPSTAIRS AGAIN! Funny thing, I constantly went over Grandma's house to see my Grandfather. The emptiness wasn't as great, but I knew her spirit wasn't there.

One Sunday afternoon as we came in from church, the phone rang. But the ring was deafening and still, with the longest pause after each ring. My Father picked the phone, my Grandfather was on the other line. All I remember is my Mother screaming and me collapsing, I knew she was gone before my Father answered the phone. Everything after that was a blur. My Great Grandmother and ten of my grandmother's siblings had to bury "Laura Mae!" She was the favorite Auntie to her nieces and nephews. There was always FOOD, LOVE and FAMILY at her house, ALWAYS and a HOUSE FULL OF PEOPLE! Barbecues were thrown on a dime, just because folks started showing up, imagine that! Big Dinners with so many people, you couldn't turn around in the house. Kids running all over the place in and out of the house, the cops driving by to make sure we didn't get to brawling. I guess they couldn't believe that many Black folk could be in one place (during the summer) at one time and not be fighting! Mind you, the liquor stayed on deck in my family and my Uncle Kitchee had the most successful and well known Bars in Queens. So people from there wound up at Laura's house!

Life is different now. She's gone, my Grandfather died in 2000 from Diabetes and drinking and I fell apart along time ago! I never felt so alone in my life after she passed. I became complacent and developed anxiety years after, it took me years to move on from the trauma and my fears coming to fruition. Just when I was making head way, Mommy passes away and I had to deal with that! I'm going to close out with this; Love your FOLKS...ALL OF THEM! Because it's true, one day GOD IS GOING TO NEED THEM BACK! I am a little upset with GOD for taking my Mother and Grandma so young. I think it's unfair, not to have them here with me. Grandma was 49 when she died and Mommy was 53...yet Great Grand Momma lived to be 86 years old and she died over a mistake the hospital made! I'm just saying, the greatest blessing in your life is God sparing the lives of the people who support you. I am on my own and feel like a "Motherless Child!" People wonder why I'm so GUARDED and ABRUPT? My sister used to say " You think the whole world is against you, WHY?" Was she kidding? I won't go into that, but she is one of the reasons why I will FOREVER REMAIN GUARDED! The three people I LOVED MOST IN THIS LIFE ARE GONE and I CAN TRUST NO ONE...I told Lucas this and I'm a little puzzled why people think you're crazy for nor trusting them. Do I need to tell you, it's the ones closest to you that BETRAY YOU?

Despite all I've one through in my life, I KNOW ONE THING FOR SURE...THE THREE PEOPLE I LOVED MORE THAN MYSELF ARE GONE AND I WILL NEVER HAVE THAT TRUST FOR ANYONE OTHER THAN THEM...QUOTE ME ON THAT!

A GIRL WITH BRAINS THAT HAD TO CULTIVATE CLASS....

I never saw myself as a girl with class and I thought I was more street smart than book smart. More than anything I was all over the place as a little girl, a tomboy. My mother looked at me and called me "CRASS, CROOD and UNCOUTH! I was LOUD, BOISTEROUS and OVER THE TOP...you heard me before you saw me! As I write this, I am laughing to myself, because it was TRUE. Growing up, I wished I was a boy. I loved to climb trees, my legs looked like a map, I had more bumps and bruises than a boy. I LOVED BRUCE LEE & JIM KELLY! Enter the Dragon was my favorite movie and I wanted to learn how to use nun chucks and become a black belt. One of my favorite songs was Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas. I loved watching Charles Bronson with my Grandfather, Blaxploitation films and Godzilla. No I wasn't the little princess, I was a mess! Couldn't keep my earrings in my ears to save my life and popped every piece of dainty jewelry I was bought.

One thing though, I was extremely smart and by the time I was four; I was reading and listening to grown folks think they were doing something by trying to spell in front of me. I wanted to say "SPELL CHECK HOMIE" I know what you said! Yeah, I was a MESS...but I did love women who were beautiful and took care of themselves. Mommy was a beautiful woman and everyone thinks that of their mother, but my mother was about 5'8, with an hour glass figure and flawless Indian skin. She wore the biggest afro, was a style maven and her make up was always on point, never too much and she never used foundation!

By the time I got to Junior High School, I was so out of control the boys used to call me "He-Man!"

Now that's a damn shame, you know you're off the hook when the boys torture you for whippin their asses...oh well, I thought, I'll be that but you better not hit me! Which was always my first retort, because I'm going to hit your ass back or throw a chair across the room at your head. I did things like that and the last time I remember tossing a chair at a boy was in Far Rock High School. We were in the lunch room and somebody threw a open milk carton at someone sitting near me and my bunch. The milk got on my clothes and I got up and flipped my lid. I can't remember it all, but he said something out of pocket and I got so angry!  I turned around, picked up the chair and just tossed it clean across some heads to hit him with it. He charged toward me and I said "COME ON!" Before he could get there, security grabbed my bad ass, because I had another chair ready to CRACK him in the head with it!

Yeah, CLASS IS CULTIVATED, TAUGHT, LEARNED and it DOESN"T GROW OVER NIGHT! You're not born with it, it has to be something you want bad enough to learn about it. Well, I wanted it really bad and as I grew older, I began a change. It is a slow process and I never thought I was classy, I just knew I had my own style and didn't like over doing things. It's a known fact, less is more and my mother drilled it in my head. If I had on something excessive, it was GAUDY to her and she'd explain why and I'd take it off. Who has the experience and better judgment?

So how did I get the name Classychick? Well, the first time I ever heard it was from a my oldest son's father. He liked nice things and spent money on nice things. One day out of the blue in he just looked at me and said, "You know what I like about you? You have a lot of class about yourself!" He went on to explain why he felt that way and basically, it boiled down to less is more and having knowledge of certain things, cultures and beauty...just being a renaissance woman. LESS IS MORE! I always wore a French Manicure or pastel colors on my toes. I hated airbrush and didn't wear whatever came out, I had my own style and sense of what to wear. As for brains, well I don't have to mention too much about that, I did eventually graduate from college, but I'm not where I need to be, so I have more learning to do. MY BRAIN IS STILL UNDER CONSTRUCTION!!!

So many women claim titles, they know nothing about. I've learned class is not in a label or how much you spent on something; it is something cultivated over time and with experience.



I AM MY MOTHER'S DAUGHTER...

I know I talk about Mommy so much in my life, especially because she's no longer here.
They say the prayers of the RIGHTEOUS availeth much and Mommy was a praying mother. She didn't just pray for thirty minutes, she'd be on her knees over an hour at times; just praying and crying out to God. For protection of our family, and just to deal with life. During those times, my brother, sister and I would run through the house terrorizing (quietly though) and just being kids. As I'd gotten older, it was phone check for me, because I'd be calling my friends to gossip while she prayed.
What I didn't realize then, that I realize now; it was the prayers of my mother that kept us all safe, put food on our table, clothes on our backs and kept a roof over our heads. We were barely if ever sick, it was as if her prayers were our protection. The mark on the door (her prayers) allowed the "Angel of Death" to constantly pass over us! I just want to say there is nothing like a "PRAYING MOTHER" one who STAYS ON HER KNEES IN PRAYER FOR THE LOVE OF HER FAMILY! We went to church, more than I cared to go, but she made sure we were there on a regular basis. I didn't hate church, I had a few issues with how much people talked about each other and their children. They really had a hard time minding their own business and ruined many relationships between parents and children. I know, because they "TRIED" to ruin mines and Mommy's.




Mommy aka Katie

What amazes me about church folk and family, is their judgmental attitudes towards people and how they raise their children. Everyone thinks they have all the answers, I've learned no one does. You walk the walk of parenting, by FAITH ALONE & GUIDANCE FROM THE LORD! Mommy was ridiculed and put under pressure by the people in church and family for how she raised me. Now don't get it confused, we didn't have the greatest relationship at all, thus the reason I feel I've made the wrong choices throughout my entire life. Especially in men, looking for the LOVE and ACCEPTANCE I didn't get from her. Yes, I was the "Black Sheep" of the family, because I was a straight shooter. I always said what was on my mind. I fought a lot as a child and had extreme anger issues to go along with a nasty, nasty temperament. If you hit me as a child, I'd hit you back. My mother was called up to school many days for me fighting with boys, not girls...BOYS! At a point, I saw a psychologist and the entire School Based Support Team; because they thought I'd be better suited in a Special Education class.  Mommy was so angry about it, I received the beating of my life behind it and that was the end of my days, "acting out" for no reason. I didn't understand it then, but Mommy was trying to groom me into a young lady and Lord knows what a time that must've been, because I was a TYRANT & A REBEL! I was extremely smart, but BORED in school. Eventually, the school officials realized I deserved to be in an I.G.C class. Back in the seventies, those were known as "Intellectually Gifted Classes" for academically advanced children. Of course, I relented and didn't want to go, I felt I didn't fit in and didn't want to leave my friends. I was nothing like the children in those classes. They were calm, cool and collected little scholars, me I was all over the place and as wild as a TASMANIAN DEVIL! Right today my father calls me "TAS" for short, because I was a HELL RAISER! There was no way I'd be able to sit still long enough to listen to the tell their boring little stories, I was too busy running around climbing trees, falling off the bathroom walls in school, throwing rocks at school buses and pulling the fire alarm in school. One year, my friend Chryl Jackson and I cleared the entire elementary school out and I got a good ass whipping for that!

I was horrible, in every since of the word and a I got older, it became worse.

My childhood was rough and the coming of age years were torrid! Mommy was so busy worrying about what other folks had to say about me and questioning her parenting skills. Now I realize, my acting out was a cry or help! I acted out for many years, missing out on many opportunities; it's so much deeper than this, but I can't go into it now. But I will say, as I got older, I began to understand Mommy and after I had my own children, I had the chance to be put through the same things I put her through. The only difference is, I had sense enough to know the discipline she gave was for my own good. The administration of it (my discipline) may have not always been right, but I've learned so much from her and our tumultuous experiences over the years...that I THANK HER! I THANK HER, I THANK YOU MOMMY! For SAVING MY LIFE, for telling me NO, for screening the "VULTURES (men), for making me GO TO CHURCH and TAKE GOD SERIOUSLY. For teaching me, how to have a little sense about myself, to be CLAIRVOYANT, to keep house, to cook and most of all BE MYSELF! God is good and life is funny, because through a casual conversation I had with my first love; it felt so good to hear him say "YOUR MOTHER DID A GOOD JOB WITH YOU!" I couldn't believe my ears or contain myself, because he ridiculed me a lot for not being able to: wear pants, run the streets, party or sleep with him whenever and he hated the fact I was a CHURCH GIRL & Mommy kept THE REIGNS TIGHT! It took him twenty something years, along with personal growth and wisdom to realize I WAS A GOOD GIRL! He doesn't know it, but I appreciated what he said SO MUCH! Validation from him that Mommy was doing the right thing gave me reassurance, it made me FEEL SO GOOD! When he left me that day, I looked up at the sky & said :"Mommy, did you hear that?" And people think GOD AIN'T GOOD and not BEING A LOOSE WHORE doesn't benefit you later on in life!

People always felt because I was raised in church, I was going to cut loose and act a fool...But, GOD HAD OTHER PLANS, because I DIDN'T and I'm still here today because of GRACE and FAVOR.

My hard head and DISOBEDIENCE has me between and rock and a hard place right now, but I'm praying God will see fit to BLESS ME ONE DAY TO STAND ON MY OWN & DEAL WITH MY GRIEF! All I learned is because of MOMMY and without her...I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D BE! I'm not where I should be, but IT AIN'T OVER YET AND I HOPE GOD SEES MY HEART AND HELPS ME GET TO THAT PLACE! I AM MY MOTHER'S DAUGHTER AND PROUD TO BE...I CAN NEVER FILL THEM SHOES. I MIGHT HAVE TO DIE TRYING, BUT GOD GAVE ME A GOOD PATTERN TO FOLLOW I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT, BUT I'LLTRY!





FORGIVENESS...

 

 

Friday night I was sitting at my kitchen table drinking tea and watching Grimm. Suddenly the phone rings and an unfamiliar number flashes across my television screen. Now usually I don't answer numbers, I don't recognize but this time I felt God telling me to answer the phone; so I did. It was my Uncle Harold, Mommy's brother! "Hey Niecey!" It's so funny, because my family knows I NEVER like to answer my phone, for reasons I truly won't get into right now, because most of them know why, they just refuse to acknowledge their actions or behaviors. I have gone through a lot of changes in my life and the one thing I despise about people is how they "label" you when they feel accountable or responsible for how YOU REACT TOWARD THEM! Folks stay calling me CRAZY because I react off the their vibe...PERIOD. Call me everything in the book, but slow, stupid and naïve, ain't none of those titles claimed over here. I may talk a lot, entertain people with jokes, quick wit and unbelievable statements; but that's because there's a strategic method to my madness. While folks think I'm stupid, in the first five minutes of a conversation I know whether or not you're genuine or tolerant of me or my attitude and sad to say "I DON'T CARE!"

Anyway, this is about my Uncle and our conversation. He just showed up one Friday Night to see me and he always cries when we talk. After that Friday, I hadn't seen him for about a month and I feel so bad for him at times, because he & Mommy had a really hard life with our family. But he is my Uncle & I do LOVE HIM VERY MUCH! He has always been the epitome of an UNCLE & what GENUINE LOVE FROM AN UNCLE REPS! As we spoke, he began to cry and talk about my entrance into the world, something he always does. How BAD I was as a little girl and how much I resemble and act like my Grandmother. Yet this time, he referred back to the situation with my children and the ACS case my "sister" brought against me and he said I couldn't stop thinking about how you must feel, and I AM SORRY YOU HAD TO GO THROUGH SOME OF THE THINGS YOU'VE GONE THROUGH...PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR NOT BEING THERE FOR YOU THROUGH THIS EXPERIENCE!" My uncle went on to say so much more, but few words were A COMFORT to my soul. Because NOT ONE PERSON IN MY FAMILY HAS EVER APOLOGIZED OR SHOWN TRUE CONCERN ABOUT MY STRUGGLES. WHICH WHY I DON'T ANSWER MY PHONE! I don't need people calling me to get "THE TEA" on my personal business and ask me if I can ever speak to my sister who has RUINED MY DAMN CHILDREN! ARE YOU SERIOUS? I HAVE FORGIVEN HER, BUT THERE NEVER BE A CONVERSATION BETWEEN US AGAIN. YOU DON'T LIE THE WAY SHE HAS AND DESTORY THE INVESTMENT I MADE IN MY CHILDREN'S LIVES AND EXPECT ME TO EVER BREAK BREAD WITH YOU OR BE IN THE SAME SPACE WITH YOU AGAIN. SHE IS DEAD TO ME, BECAUSE, SHE RUINED MY FAMILY! I've learned that STRANGERS ACT BETTER THAN FAMILY & FRIENDS YOU'VE BEEN AROUND FOR YEARS. AND I WILL NOT PLAY "DUMB" TO THEIR CALLOUSNESS OR PHONY ATTITUDES, BECAUSE IT DOESN'T AFFECT THEM OR THEIR LIVES!

I watched my Grandmother and Mother RUN BEHIND PEOPLE and I made up mind many years ago...NOT ZANEE'!!! I WILL NOT KISS ASS OR KOW TOW TO PEOPLE OR CATER TO FAKENESS! My mother always was running to somebody's rescue; tending to the sick and infirmed. Yet when she took sick, the most unlikely people and strangers stepped FORWARD and I HONOR THEM TODAY! But I just want to THANK GOD MY UNCLE CALLED ME TO APOLOGIZE TO ME, I CRIED LATER ABOUT IT; because I will go to WAR for my FAMILY but I learned they didn't see the need go to WAR FOR ME! So with that being said, GOD DOES WORK ON PEOPLE'S HEARTS AND THAT'S PART RENEWAL OF MY FAITH and I NEED TO TAKE NOTES FROM MY UNCLE...