A WOLF'S IN SHEEPS CLOTHING...BIRTHDAY THOUGHTS

 

With each passing birthday a lot of retrospective thinking is on deck, depending on the age, the year and what's going on in my life. But soul searching this year, made me return to the source.The Genesis and beginning, and what I found made me cringe. For many years I thought about 1986, how much I praised, loved and basked in the life of that year. Now I can see how many mistakes I made. The sad part is it took me years to realize I wasted my time with a someone I thought I dearly loved and I couldn't have been more deceived, stupid and wrong. My pain and hunger for the love I'd loss when my Grandmother died, caused me to make the biggest mistake of my life. Which is the reason I decided to write this blog entry. When you know some things definitely altered the course of your life, you tend to want to share these negative experience to save some other unexpecting soul from the same hurt and pain.

Young girls tend to make rash decisions based on pain, trauma or major change in their lives. That year, I was suffering from all three. First, my Grandmother died devastating me beyond measure. It was traumatic for me to lose the biggest cheerleader in my life, my Grandmother was my world. Her dying brought about major changes in our lives and family. I knew things would never be the same. I thought it was the cruelest joke God could've ever played on us...she was all we had. As big as my family is, the closeness we once shared was gone. We were no longer "clannish!" My mother and I were orphaned in the blink of an eye. Yes, my Great Grandmother was still alive and so were seven of my Grandmother's sisters and three of her five brothers...but we were still alone. My Grandfather was not the biological father of my mother and uncle so he really had no obligation to us at all. He did stay around though and did the best he could. In the end, he was all we really had. My Uncle wound up fighting his demons through drug use, so he wasn't around much, especially through the crack epidemic. My father was present, but he was doing his thing, he had no time for a grieving young wife, so that just left us. And by us I mean; Mommy, me and my siblings! To add insult to injury, I'd met my biological father (for the first time in my life) at fifteen years old. Let me just say it was an experience. Daddy was cool, but I had so many unanswered questions and a lot of confusion raced through my mind. I inherited an older brother, a sister (one year younger than me) a younger brother and a step-mother. In the beginning things were a little weird, but we all got to know each other over time. But looking back, it really was a lot for a fifteen year old girl to process in one year. Losing my Grandmother and meeting my biological father in a span of three months was WAY TOO MUCH! It also didn't help that Mommy and I didn't have the best relationship, so I pretty much felt lost.

Around that time I was spiraling out of control in school. Fighting, cutting and acting out HARD!

It was because of my behavior as a miscreant, I had to attend summer school at Beach Channel. Looking back, I wish God had re-written that part of my story. It was there I met my "SHEEP IN WOLF'S CLOTHING!" I should've known he was the ultimate waste of time, but when you're young, naïve and a virgin you tend to make the dumbest decisions of your life. When you're in mental pain, grieving and dealing with life altering changes, the last thing you need is a selfish ass, self centered, self serving, NARCISSITIC SOCIO PATH! 

It has taken me YEARS to realize how FULL OF SHIT HE REALLY WAS and HOW DUMB I WAS FOR CHOOSING HIM TO BE "THE FIRST!" There's no need to discuss the in between, because he was really a piece of work and thought the sun rose and set on his ass. I spent the ages of fifteen to twenty something really in love with this clown. Doing all I could to get his attention, to the point where I couldn't see I NEVER MATTERED TO HIS ASS AT ALL! Only one girl did and Kudos to her, I ain't mad...she did her thing , by playing his ass so he can really experience the pain he caused me and others. He really never had me fooled, I knew he didn't care, too SPOILED and SELFISH! Always running around amongst our mutual friends trying to keep up this "IMAGE" and I'm not sure why! 

Well, my birthday is Sunday, I will be forty four years old and I REGRET THE VERY HISTORY I HAD WITH THIS MAN! I married his BEST FRIEND to get his attention, because of all the mess he'd done to me over the years and it was the BIGGEST MISTAKE I EVER MADE! So I have no choice but to think, if I didn't meet his ass, maybe my life would be TOTALLY DIFFERENT. Today, I harbor no ill will toward my Ex-husband. Truth be told he was a lot of things, we carried on like Fraizer and Sphinx, but he was better to me in many more ways. Was he crazy, yes! Do I want to be bothered with him...NAH! But what makes him THE BETTER MAN IS HIS APOLOGY TO ME AFTER I LEFT HIM...WAY MORE THAN FROM THE WOLF IN SHEEPS CLOTHING I THOUGHT I LOVED FOR SO MANY YEARS!

So as I sit here tonight, all I can ask myself is "WHAT WOULD MY LIFE REALLY BE LIKE IF I HADN'T CHOSE THAT CLOWN?" Am I bitter, NO...are there regrets...HELL YEAH! SMH, If I could turn back the hands of time on that now defunct "C Train" I wouldn't have given his FUNKY ASS THE TIME OF DAY I CAN TELL YOU THAT! And as another year of WISDOM IS ADDED TO MY LIFE, I HOPE SHARING THIS WITH ONE OF YOU WILL GET YOU TO THINKING TOO! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME... 

A Grateful Heart In The Midst Of Adversity

 

For the last month or so I've had a serious case of writer's block and haven't felt motivated to write about anything. I guess these days all I can do is look at what's wrong in my life, why it's wrong and how I can fix my life. With the holidays and my birthday coming, Fall and Winter are my favorite times of the year. As a child, the holidays were filled with warmth, love, excitement, family and friends. Now not so much...it's no longer the same and I can't pretend I'm happy with the course my life has taken. Growing up during the Seventies, Eighties and Nineties, I looked forward to the holidays. Sure I've had my share of painful firsts, losing my grandmother in eighty six, great grandmother in ninety one, grandfather in two thousand and Mommy in two thousand five. You never get over the pain of spending those holidays without your loved ones, but you try to accept it, even if you can't deal with it.

For years I've made the best of life and all it's had to offer, more disappointments than good ones. When my grandmother died, I never said it out loud to Mommy, but I vowed to stand by her side celebrating each and every holiday. Never would she have to worry about being accepted by anyone. We'd make our own memories, leave a legacy and create traditions of our own. Well we got to spend about twenty years doing that until she died in two thousand five. Before that we cooked together every single year and I eagerly looked forward to it. Every Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Eve, I went to bed at six o'clock in the morning, because I'd be up preparing a feast to remember and I enjoyed it. If it meant my family ate, if it meant making them happy I was all for it. Cutting and cleaning up Collard, Turnip and Mustard Greens is tedious to say the least, but I just didn't feel good if I couldn't help Mommy and my family eat.

The older I got, the more responsibility I took on. By the time I was eighteen, I could cook a full course Thanksgiving meal and not miss a step in the kitchen...I WAS NASTY! Inheriting the gene passed down in the Cromer/Oliver family to cook is a blessing indeed. My great grandmother could burn a kitchen down and so could her girls, then the torch was passed to the younger generation! I took pride in learning how to cook and still do. But now I feel differently. What is it all for? Do you do it for a family of children who don't care or appreciate the time you've taken to slave over a hot stove. Coming home from work on Thanksgiving Eve just to season up your Collard Green pots, finally chop all them veggies for the three different pans of stuffing you're about to make. Pies, Mac & Cheese, Ham, Turkey and God knows what else.

Over the years the holidays haven't gotten any easier for me especially since Mommy died. Her passing the month before Thanksgiving changed my life immensely. I haven't been the same since. That first Thanksgiving without her was the most food I'd ever cooked in my life. I made so much food, I was giving it away and still had more to spare. But it did make me happy to sit down and watch my brother, sister, their spouses, my Dad and the kids eating. It was the hardest Thanksgiving of my life after Grandma died in eighty six.

It's been nine years since Mommy's been gone and every year I dread cooking alone, but I still do it. One year in two thousand ten, my two youngest were in the care of Lucas' mother from the ACS case brought against me by the kids and their aunt. You would think I wouldn't have had the spirit to cook, but I did anyway, because it's tradition for me. I come from a family with a strong background and though we've had our faults we have a legacy.
Right now, things are up in the air in  my life and the battles are plenty. But I can tell you one thing, I will always make sure the smells of Thanksgiving fill my home, so Cimaya and Jaden can identify with memories of their Mommy cooking huge holiday meals. Hopefully they will past these traditions on when they grow up and get their own families.

Larenz Tate - Brother to the Night (A Blues for Nina, Love Jones OST)

 

Ok I try hard not to talk about my life, but sitting here watching Love Jones is crazy. Now you know I'm just being CYNICAL, THIS BLOG IS ABOUT LOVE AND LIFE!  What mistakes I made, what I've learned, who I've learned and WHY I WILL NEVER GO BACKWARDS IN MY LIFE. I am so looking forward to the future and all the possibilities it has in store. As for now, back to Love Jones. Sitting here watching the movie has me thinking of my latest chance encounter. Let's just say it's been a long time since I've felt "A JONES." The chance encounter, me brushing "HIM" off HARSHLY and him remaining UNPHASED by my attitude...PERSISTENCE. But he's smart, realizes a good thing when he sees one and doesn't back down. Giving me SPACE, knows my current SITUATION and RESPECTS it! We talk and it's HONEST! He's HANDSOME...yet calls me SEXCII and I BLUSH through the phone, because he can't see me. Still letting him know compliments isn't a segue to my ass! The fact he tells me to BE MYSELF IS WHAT I LOVE...I ask him if he's SCARED of  me, trying to "RATTLE" him, see what he's made of. Translation: Are you man enough for me? When in reality I see a CONFIDENT, SMUG, CALM, COOL and COLLECTED man; who I call "cute." While his laugh INTIMIDATES ME! Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? At least I thought so, I guess we shall soon see.

Timing is the world to me and our timing is off by decades. But we enjoy each other's conversation. Although I've yet to go on that "date," I am NEVER EAGER to go out on a date with some random man. I guess prolonging things maybe a good thing and it's never hurt any body. It ain't hurting us! I'm just saying women are way too eager to "jump" at an invitation to have sex. There's no room for conversation or getting to know each other. We are so quick to go running on a date (if some of us are even asked) only to wind up in some "COMPROMISING SITUATION!" I really don't get women today. There is no "CHASE" with them. You meet a man and within the month your sucking his juices and the juices of any woman who's sat on his D$%*K in the last six months; and you're really looking forward to this man taking you serious? Good luck with that! A man who's done nothing to earn the "SACREDNESS or SANCTITY" of YOUR BODY, yet you are so willing to relinquish the rights to your "TEMPLE?" It's not even your "TEMPLE" it's God's "TEMPLE!"

Promiscuity is a program, I can't get with ON ANY LEVEL...and I lose many potential and wanna be suitors in the process and but that's a good thing. Because by the time you get to know a man, you began to realize you could've kept your damn drawers or thong on. Whatever you wear! Like clock work, a good woman will calculate whether or not you're even worth talking to, before she sleeps with you. There's nothing like REGRET to us as women, well some of us. I'll just say this, we need to be more "SELECTIVE" about who we give our time and bodies to. Not only is it important, it's imperative to a woman and her health, that she proceed with "CAUTION" in choosing a sexual mate. I love the inboxes I get, the propositions and all the men dressed in wolves clothing, trying to see if they have a chance...YOU DON"T! You gotta love them though and I give you an "E" for "EFFORT"...you deserve it. Don't hurt a brother for trying, all I do is COACH you "PLAYERS" cause your game ain't that tight, take your ass back to the drawing board...Cause even though "PIMPIN AINT EASY, I AIN'T EASY!

It's a dumb "BOY" who can't recognize the signs of a woman who hasn't "cleaned the pipe" of every dude she's met. It's also dumb for a man to be impressed by the trashy antics of an easy woman. If she slept with you within the month, how many other men has she done this with? If you're not required to respect her at the end of the day, you might to dig in her past and find out how many men really respect "your latest conquest?"

The "MORAL" of my story is, be a little "RESISTANT" ladies. Don't be so quick to go out because he asked you once, make him ask you a few times before you "GIVE IN." Cause if we are "REAL" and this blog is for "ADULTS," THINGS CAN HAPPEN ON A FIRST DATE...SO DRAG THE GAME OF "TAG" OUT AS LONG AS THE LORD WILL ALLOW! In other words, make a man "RESPECT" you and "TAKE HIS TIME WITH YOU!" Believe me, being "OLD FASHIONED" never goes out of STYLE, but BEING A T.H.O.T is! I feel a sense of ACCOMPLISHMENT and PRIDE because I am being asked to dinner on a constant basis. Not only that, most men tell me they are "AFRAID" to approach me for fear of the mighty "ROAR!" If your intentions are right and you approach me or any woman like a man, you'd approach any woman the "RIGHT" way...and there'd be "NOTHING TO FEAR!"

My new "INTEREST" has passed a lot of "TESTS" so far! H.E. has not DISRESPECTED ME OR MY WISHES IN ANY WAY... ASSURING ME HE IS A "PATIENT MAN AND GET WHAT HE WANTS ONCE HE PUTS HIS MIND TO IT!" My response...I hope you are ready for the ride, cause I am "NOT EASY!" I'm going to do everything I can to discourage your advances and eventually you'll wind up either staying for the long haul or we'll be the best of friends. Either which way, "RESPECT IS ONLY GIVEN TO WHOM IT'S DUE!" Keep that in mind the next time an eligible "BACHELOR" approaches you. Be a mystery, be interesting you can be fun in many other ways, but be a lady! I'm trying to be something other than the "BLUES...I'M TRYING TO BE HIS JONES!"

Feeling Safe....



The last time I felt a sense of safety was when I was married to my first husband. I was twenty-one and fearless because he was fearless!

Despite all the things we'd gone through one thing about my ex-husband was I ALWAYS FELT SAFE WITH HIM! He could be mean as SNAKE and kept the "HEAT" close. I never had to worry about anything whenever we were together, he had my back and I had his. We got together for all the wrong reasons, but one thing I could say about him, NOBODY CAME BEFORE ME! No broad, no chick, NOBODY! He made sure I was respected by everyone, even if we fought like cats and dogs, he didn't tolerate anyone else pissing me off, only he could do that. This man had two of the most handsome sons and I adored them and their Mom. Although she and I never really spoke, she was really a nice person and FABULOUS AS HELL!

Yet, even he made sure she respected me and I respected her. His first love and I knew each other well and she called the house whenever she wanted to...we all RESPECTED EACH OTHER and I was close with their families: both of the women in his life, who came before me.

Above all, I felt safe when I was with him. If I cried, it mattered. We'd sit and talk for hours about any and everything, nothing was off limits. I could confide in this man (only twenty four at the time) about my deepest darkest fears. Now that's what a man ought to provide for you, to be able sit and talk for hours. With my ex-husband it was if we needed each other, it was our therapy. He really protected me. If he saw something or felt someone did me wrong...he spoke on it, questioning everything. He always looked out for me in retrospect, he was jealous, but protective and guarded me with his life. Even if there were other women, I never knew it, unless it were by accident. He was a lot of things, but he protected my feelings and I appreciated the fact I didn't have to feel threatened if he went to see his sons or if his first love called my house. Without question, I NEVER FELT THREATENED in our relationship and when it was over...it was because I LEFT HIM. Not over infidelity and there was no mistaking his DEDICATION to me as his wife. Did he cheat? Probably, did I know...NEVER! And again let me say, he was too busy protecting me and my feelings to allow any dirt he was doing to be found out. On the strength of that, I know I will always RESPECT him.

In my life, I can only think of three men I felt "SAFE" around, I am not naming them out of respect and the fact the internet is a piece of work. But one of them was much older than me and the man I almost married and he was from Jamaica islands. The second was my ex-husband, the last person was a man I met through a friend in 1999 and that's all...til' this year!

Men really need to realize, a woman needs to feel safe around you and if she doesn't what's the point in even being dedicated to the relationship? Women want a man who makes them feel SAFE and SECURE, not a little bumbling ass fool who doesn't have the balls to stand up to people and PROFESS his LOVE for you. Not one who doesn't have the sense to be honest about WHERE HIS HEART STANDS AND WHY!

I pray for that safeness again. You can only pray for that dedication from a man and believe God will grant it. There are some guys you know from your initial meeting whether he's a protector or a clown. I can't speak for others, I can only speak for myself when I say I'm getting a familiar feeling of "SAFETY and SECURITY" let's just see if I'm right!

For the first time in thirteen years I feel like I'm going to be alright and I'm just excited about the possibility of what is going to be!

 

 

Thinking Bout You - All the Way Home!!!

Why is timing and life so complicated? Why do I have to realize after all these years I've NEVER given myself fully to a man? There has always been something inside holding me back, I never fully gave myself to anyone, but now I think I'm ready. There are too many reasons why I can't and I'm not happy about it.
I was alright until one hot day Downtown Brooklyn. I'd gone up to my school to take care of some business and decided to walk Court Street to buy me some frozen yogurt.
Out of no where, I can feel someone approaching me and of course I throw my hand up in disgust, because I NEVER want to be bothered with men and their cat calls, compliments and bull ish!
This time it was different. As alert as I am, I didn't even see him approaching me. My peripheral vision is on point. I can peep game a mile away and cross the street if a man's eye's linger on me longer than ten seconds. Because I don't have the desire to be bothered with a whole bunch of wasted lingo about nothing. Therefore I have the tendency to cut a ninja off at the neck before he starts with his rendition of "GAME!" Save it, cause I'm the "COACH" and I 've earned my stripes, go earn yours some where else.
Anyway, his approach was so different. Unlike any approach I'd ever seen in a long time.
First of all, I didn't even see him walk up to me, didn't peep him watching me from a distance, none of that. For the first time, I was totally caught off guard. Being me, I did my best to discourage him, but it didn't seem to phase him one bit. I was a little snippy and sarcastic, he didn't mind. I insulted him, referring to him as cute. He calmly looked me and told me I'm a lot of things, but you referring to me as "cute" isn't going to stop me from talking to you, so I'll be "cute" if you want me to be. No matter what I said, I couldn't shake him or break his constitution.
He has so many things most of these grown men lack today and that's patience! As much as I tried to discourage him, he kept walking with me, pursuing me relentlessly. After awhile I found him interesting and intriguing. I was so impressed that as young as he was, nothing I said seemed to rattle him. In fact, he had such a calmness and he was so centered. His demeanor was one of I have a lot of patience and you don't need to worry about me getting tired of your refusal, it's my motivation.
We sat and talked for a long time and not one time did he mention anything about sex. All he did was reiterate his desire to take me out to dinner, no matter how much I denied him, the more he said, "Let Me SHOW You!"
Right there I became interested. Most men are so shallow and these younger guys have more under the cap, than these old fools. I'm not kidding either. Every time I think about him, I wonder if it was fate for us to run into each other. Maybe it was.
I'm not into May December relationships, but I know one thing, it takes a lot for a man to get my attention and hold it...I get bored real easy and fast. Well I'm definitely impressed with my new friend and especially the fact he's not thirsty or running around like a dog in heat after my ass.
I knew this when he called me three weeks after our initial meeting.
I know a lot of old heads who need to take notes from these younger men. Because he definitely informed me, he was in no rush with me. Of course, because he has had his share of women, young and older...confessing to me he likes older women because they don't offer too much drama!
We definitely had a nice long talk and I found him to be mysterious and interesting enough to give my cell number to. Three weeks went by and from time to time I thought of him. One night he calls me from work, the number comes up ANONYMUS and I answer brashly. His calm centered demeanor affects me instantly, I calm down too, because I LOVE HIS VOICE! He was at work, "I just called to check up you and see how you were doing! We talked all of twenty minutes and hung up. Translation: I'm not going to let you forget me, I'm not ready for you yet, but you are a keeper! I smiled to myself and thought I mean something...sometimes that's all you need. To be able to leave an impression on a man that if he thought about "playing you" something about you changes his mind and he decides to keep you around. Be it as a friend and on reserve for the future, it's for the better. Patience is key and time is on my side! I have no idea where this might end up, but I know one thing, I feel safe and I haven't felt like that with a man in years. There's just something about him and I have a feeling we're going to become very good friends if nothing else. I just wish God would send me a HUSBAND I CAN FEEL SAFE WITH LIKE THAT!
How can you meet a man and feel such a connection so soon? I don't know what I feel, but I LOVE HOW CALM HE IS! I am a whirlwind of energy and I'm all over the place. I need someone who is calm, centered, strong and safe. He's all of those and then some. I can see the patience in him and there's something deep in those eyes, I don't know what but I want to find out.
Why does timing have to be so off?

Here's the thing. I am my own best friend and I like it that way. Ever since I was a little girl, I grew up thinking I wasn't good enough! For what I'm not sure, but I had some real self esteem issues.
Growing up in the Seventies, wasn't easy for us young black girls. In fact no era ever was. If you weren't light skinned, with long "good" hair...you were ugly! If you were overweight and a vision of 'Precious," you could forget about even being acknowledged!
In my opinion, I was average.  A red caramel complexion, dirty red hair, short and just plain average looking. And like other young girls, I longed to at least be light skinned. It wasn't till after I grew up, could I appreciate my exotic red skin and red hair. I didn't realize I was beautiful along.
Women are amazing and we are our own worse enemy. We judge each other by looks; the color of our skin, grade of our hair and what we wear. Petty girls, who grow up to become petty women. It took me years to feel as if I belonged where I grew up; yet whenever I went other places I made friends with every one and always received a WARM GENUINE WELCOME! If I were to honestly say I had a great childhood out in the Rockaways, I'd be lying. But if you ask me who accepted me for who I am, it would be my old friends from South Ozone Park, Long Island and Uptown in Harlem. I am totally not a fan of the shallow people I grew up with, well some of them.
So today, I am extremely cautious of the women I've once referred to as "friends." The ones who I've fought and gone to war for, have picked up with the very females who whipped their asses and now they're the best of friends. When I see this, I feel bad for even protecting them and getting into confrontations defending their honor. Now, instead of talking to who I've defended, I speak to the person I feel guilty defending these broads for. Why did I even take the time to defend a set of fake ass bitches who had no loyalty to themselves, let alone me? Now everyone wants to "pretend" they're "BESTIES," and wondering why you refuse to let them into our life and very personal space. Wondering why we can't go out to Breakfast, Brunch, Lunch...let alone Dinner? Really? Ask yourself why you should be trusted and I'm sure you still won't see your own mess! If I could turn back the hands of time I promise you I would've allowed a lot of these broads to get them ass whippins they deserved!
We know we can't go back in time now can we? But I do know this, I am MY OWN BESTIE and I REALLY DON'T TRUST WOMEN AT ALL...I am good being alone. Not competing with myself, my secrets stay my secrets and I have no petty jealousies to contend with! I am disgusted with the way women behave today and know people despise me because I am "standoffish and anti-social!"
During my latter twenties, Mommy became my BESTIE! I could count on her and TRUST HER WITH MY LIFE...I can't say the same about my "so called FRIENDS and ASSOCIATES!"
My mother always told me, "if you've got one good friend, you've got a good thing" and she was right! What's sad is my GOOD FRIEND IS DEAD and I know for a fact, I will NEVER have a friend like her again. With all I'm going through in my life, I hate to say it but, Lucas has been the only person I don't have to worry about discussing my business with people in the neighborhood or from my past...I guess he just tells my business to his current girlfriend or baby's momma! And that's fine with me. I don't know them and never will, so it doesn't matter. The sad part about my friendship with Lucas is his BETRAYAL, so who do you TRUST? GOD and BEN FRANKLIN, two people who will NEVER LET YOU DOWN! All I know is the broads I've known and grown up with have been the biggest disappointment to date...let alone the broads I've met in recent years. Who expect you to TRUST THEM and you haven't even known them long enough for them to BETRAY YOU and they have! Will I ever trust anyone again in this life? Only time will tell. But I can tell you one thing, LOYALTY IS EVERYTHING TO ME and once you've VIOLATED THAT TRUST I AM DONE WITH YOU! And let's just LEAVE IT AT THAT...

TRAIN UP A CHILD...PART ONE!

September 2010 is a year that will indelibly remain sketched in my mind . It was the day an Administration For Children's Services worker (unannounced) showed up at my door, because my mother's daughter concocted the most deviant scheme to take my children. How do you think you're equipped to take my children from me and you have no experience in raising children yourself?
You have a son who hit you back and he wasn't a year old and yet you're Dr. Spock with a PhD in child development? Where was I when this happened? Her mother law took her son so much, my mother mentioned the lack of involvement with her own child, telling her she needs to RAISE HER OWN SON and STOP PUSHING HIM OFF ON HIS GRANDMA BECAUSE YOU OR YOUR PERVERT OF A HUSBAND DIDN"T WANT TO RAISE YOUR OWN KID! Yet all of a sudden, you want to tell me how and when to discipline my children? No BITCH MIND YOUR BUSINESS! For five years I kept quiet about the situation, but as I began to spiral into a deep dissatisfaction with my life, I knew it was time for me to BLOW THE WHISTLE! So I can move on for real and FINALLY find some PEACE!

Growing up, Moms was tough and I'm glad she was. There was no such thing as hanging out, partying as a teen, running around with boys or acting like a fool. My mother just didn't tolerate that! My Brother never followed the trends in the streets. He had a job, went to college, joined the Army, got his Master's Degree, got married and has a house, kids and is successful! Pretty much I'd say my brother did ok, under my mother's "Hitler Regime!"  Katie ruled with an IRON FIST and would LAY YOU DOWN if you got out of pocket! I had a twelve o'clock curfew even in my twenties and I'M GLAD! Her methodology was "AINT NUTHIN NICE OUT IN THE STREETS FOR A GIRL AFTER TWELVE O'CLOCK and THE ONLY THING OPEN WILL BE YO' LEGS AND THE HOSPITAL! That was some sound judgment if I ever heard some and later on, I began to realize she was right. Before I turned sixteen, I began a slow transformation with my thought process-realizing I liked the restraints my mother put on me, they SAVED MY LIFE and KEPT ME SAFE. And I know I'm ALIVE TODAY BECAUSE OF THAT WOMAN!

Fast forward about fifteen years later. My mother passes in 2005, my two eldest were six and eleven years old. They were polite, well mannered children. Anyone in the streets could vouch for  my children having respect and manners, because I followed in Katie's footsteps. So when Mommy died, it was the hardest thing to lose my support system. See I didn't care about leaving my husband at six months pregnant, as long as my Moms was ok, I was unbothered. Whether he stayed around or not! Katie was my ROCK  and I didn't care if their fathers' were there or not! See, I don't run around with the "leave it to Beaver syndrome," acting like the world is a field of flowers, cause it's not. In real life, raising children is a struggle and children are not only a heritage of the Lord, but also an investment. God loans you your children and as parents we have to do the best we can to raise them right. To teach them right from wrong, instill morals and values within them and hope they will become successful. I was a single mother by choice. My kids went to private school and it was a struggle, but God made sure WE NEVER WENT WITH OUT! As a mother, I owed it to my children to provide stability and structure, something most chicks I grew up with, know nothing about! I never had men over my kids and Lucas is the only man my children knew as a "FATHER FIGURE!" I took a vow of celibacy after my eldest son was born. Because I didn't want different men around my children. I stayed celibate for FIVE YEARS and NEVER REGRETTED IT, MY CHILDREN CAME FIRST!

When my girlfriends planned trips abroad, I refused to go, until I took my children to Disney or Universal Studios. Today, my passport remains empty, because I am a mother and my life is on hold until I fulfill the dream of a Disney Vacation with Jaden and Cimaya! Unlike my sister and her selfish ass husband who had my nephew, and took a trip down to Disney without their son? Who does that? And my reputation or abilities as a mother is brought to question? Check yourself! Who has a newborn baby, comes home from the hospital, ( your firstborn) and leaves the baby with my mother for a few days, claiming she needs rest? This is your first child? Where is the excitement of it? Shouldn't you want to "BOND" with your first born? I know every baby I've given birth to, C-sections and all stayed in my arms, slept next to me in my bed until they were four and NEVER did I allow my mother to keep my NEWBORN FOR DAYS AFTER THEY WERE BORN! ARE YOU KIDDING? But yeah, you're a MOTHER?

After Mommy died, I kind of gave up. I had a breakdown. Slept all day, wouldn't answer my phone and the T.V. watched me. I drove to Mommy's grave almost every chance I got, just sit there and cry. As depressed as I was, I STILL TOOK CARE OF MY CHILDREN! My children ate home cooked meals, their clothes were clean, my house stayed clean and I gave them all I could along with rules. My daughter had to be home by a certain time from school. I didn't want no window period of time for her to get in trouble, she had 20 minutes to walk home from school and I wasn't playing either. She was a good kid, with a ninety eight average and could do calculus with her eyes closed. My son was a little more challenging. But, I straightened his ass out and he wasn't on a drug or in Special Education, but then you take my child and he ends up on several different medications and eventually, her dumb ass could no longer control him- she commits him to the CRAZY HOUSE! Not only that, her and the case worker on the case tell my son I don't want to speak to him which was a lie! A lie my son tells me about later....one of many.

The ACS case was a debacle to say the least, the accusations were out of control and unbelievable. First, I put my children on the street,  I abused them and then it was neglect, just lies! And being the mean spirited person I am, I told the ACS worker, Ms. Koppelman, who by the way had no kids-that she was a child and not my WHITE SAVIOR! Well, that infuriated her dumb ass and I refused to back down or kow tow to any of the accusations against me. This whole thing was planned to the moment. My own family was working against me and the morals and values we'd been taught. What Aunt allows their niece and her friends to congregate up at her house during a school day and not send them to school on time? When my daughter graduated, she had over 100 lateness marks! But I sent her out of my house early EVERYDAY!  But her aunt coddled her and her friends upstairs at her apartment in their foolishness.  All of a sudden, I was too STRICT! REALLY, YOU WERE A FAT ASS SNEAKY CHICK, DOING WAY TOO MUCH FOR ACCEPATANCE! Until I schooled your FAT ASS to the game and you're MARRIED TODAY, because I TAUGHT YOU HOW TO DEAL WITH A MAN! My mother had no time for her and her LIES, but I took time to nurture and tuck her under the wing...and this is the pay back I get? You let your husband take my kids to a stranger's house and follow ACS guides lines of 48 hours, call them and make a false report against me with my daughter's friends Mother. Who my sister didn't really know and that's why her daughter just had a baby recently! Hummph!

This is part one folks and I ain't done...It's time to EXPOSE a lot of people who sit back and smile in my face. The Bullshit stops today and I aint done!!! Enjoy, part two coming soon!

LET'S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT...

Lately I've been doing  a lot of thinking and amazingly I got an epiphany. Is it me or do people think you owe them something? Do people who've been dealt a certain hand in life, expect sympathy as a side order of entitlement. Why is it people who have more than you, always want a favor of some sort? And don't realize maybe you don't want to be bothered after all. All my life I have watched people act this way. Who or what started them on this path of "SELF ENTITLEMENT," is no mystery, but nonetheless people like this are the ULTIMATE PAIN IN THE ASS!

One thing my mother raised us not to do is think the world owes you anything! Don't knock on neighbors doors asking for sugar, milk or food. Don't wear other people's clothes, shoes and never borrow money from anyone, I don't care how BROKE you are, NEVER ASK ANYONE FOR MONEY! I've lived in my building for years and not one neighbor in here can say we've ever borrowed ANYTHING from anyone...WE WERE TOO PROUD! Mommy raised us that way, to have some DAMN DIGNITY ABOUT OURSELVES! People with the most, brag about having this and that, but they always NEED SOMETHING from the less fortunate.

Growing up, I never liked my friends asking to "BORROW" anything. Really? Have you no PRIDE or SELF WORTH where you don't mind "BORROWING OR WEARING OTHER PEOPLE'S SHIT? Are you serious? I THANK GOD FOR KATIE, YOU HEAR ME! My mother raised us with such a sense of PRIDE and HONOR for what we DO...whatever we BELIEVED IN!

This is why I stay alone. Because I don't want to be RESPONSIBLE for people, their ISSUES, WANTS, NEEDS OR PROBLEMS-I HAVE MY OWN and THAT"S ALL TO IT!

I desperately try not to be a burden or bothersome to people. I am scarce and believe in being alone ninety nine percent of the time. The one thing I don't want is new friends, it always leads to disappointment or better yet BETRAYAL!

The last thing I need is friendships based on what I can do for you. Because you can't do anything for me because I won't allow anyone to help me but so much. I REFUSE TO BE TALKED ABOUT! I've learned so much about WOMEN and their petty jealousies. My life is no Crystal Stair and things are quite RAGGEDY on the home front. But one thing I can say is Mommy taught me how to HOLD MY OWN and not LAY UP WITH A MAN WHO DOESN'T CARE ENOUGH TO GIVE SHIT ABOUT YOU! By the time I was thirty, I was done with "STREET NIGGA'S, and JAIL NIGGA'S! As a matter of fact I was twenty six, when I decided I needed to REVAMP my life. No way would I trek to Riker's Island, let alone ride a van upstate to visit a Nigga who'd come home to someone else. My ex husband gave me a sneak preview of that once and I decided after him...I wasn't even going to a COURT DATE for moral support! You got yourself in this mess and you're going get yourself out of it. I aint your Momma and I aint babysitting a grown ass man, smart enough to make the right decisions, but refuses to.

The same applies to my female friends and associates. I am so worn with nonsense, we are way too old for a lot of this nonsense and I am living with so much regret. Regret I can't seem to get from under. Regret knowing I was DESTINED FOR GREATNESS, living a life better than the one I'm living today. I am not supposed to be living in Far Rockaway, in a building and unhappy! Am I thankful for my small blessings? YOU BETTER BELIEVE I AM!

Because GOD HAS BLESSED SO MUCH I DON'T WANT FOR ANYTHING! HE BLESSES ME DAILY AND SUPPLIES MY EVERY NEED AND I AM SO GRATEFUL I DON'T HAVE TO ASK MY FRIENDS OR ASSOCIATES FOR ANYTHING! MY FAMILY LOOKS OUT FOR ME IF I NEED THEM, I DON'T HAVE TO BEG ANYONE FOR ANYTHING! Besides before I ask anyone for anything, I'LL DO WITHOUT IT! Especially, if my folks can't give it to me!

So people please do me a favor, count your blessings for they are many, the world is cold...but GOD IS GOOD and I'M THANKFUL I DON'T THINK ANYONE OWES ME ANYTHING!

Sam Smith - Stay With Me...

From the first time I heard this song, it touched my soul so deeply reminding me of the people in my life, I've loved and lost. This week Ms. Pat lost her husband and I was just so shook up, I couldn't bring myself to go to the funeral. Funerals are so final and I hate goodbyes! I broke down in tears in front of her, because I dreamt he was going to die two years ago. Just like I dreamt my Mother's death, felt my Grandmother's time was near and knew my Grandfather was dead, before Mommy could tell me. During my Aunt Alice Mae's last days, I had a feeling she'd die around the date of Mommy's passing and she did. My mother died October 15, 2005 and Auntie passed October 16, 2012!

Goodbyes are really hard for me and I don't know how to deal with never being able to see people again, it just breaks my heart. I know Ms. Pat was upset, but I just can't take grief at all.

My first real experience with death (at 15) was when my Grandmother died. I remember knowing she was dead before my Father answered the phone. After her funeral, the family convened at her house for the repass. I remember just sitting in her favorite chair under the phone, watching everybody laughing and talking-it was like slow motion...I was so DEVASTATED! I guess my cousin Nita saw I was really messed up and she took me for walk...I was never right again.

Twenty years later, Mommy took sick and died. I remember the night I told my Father Mommy was going to die. He just looked at me and appeared to pay me no mind. But I distinctively told him, "Just call me and start talking to me and I'll know!" That night I fell asleep with out Benadryl or Ambien, and around twelve o'clock I was roused to use the bathroom. It hit me then, I hadn't slept since March at night and the night she died, God put me soundly to sleep and Mommy woke me up to tell me she was leaving! When the phone rang, I just made small talk and asked my Father, "What time did she go?" He wasn't sure, but I bet he was wondering how I knew Mommy was going to die.

With each day turning into months and months turning into years, I just grieve and wish for the genuine LOVE of my family. The love I received from my FAMILY was unconditional and real.

People let you down, who you love NEVER LOVES YOU and so the story goes. If I could ask God for one thing, it would be more time, so the family members I lost could STAY WITH ME!

 

COUNTING MY BLESSINGS

God knows I am a complainer, I know I'm a complainer! But I think God winks at my ignorance, because deep down he knows I'll be thanking him about something later.

This weekend, I had enough time to sit and think. And for the first time in a long time instead of complaining, I began counting my blessings! In the midst of all the wrong, I couldn't help but find what's right in my life. First, I had to thank God for the serenity and peace of being at home along for fourth of July weekend. I woke up to what life was like in 2002...QUIETNESS! Even though I had two children, they usually were upstairs with Mommy or quietly watching television.

These two I have now, are NOISY as all get out and I don't possess the patience I had thirteen years ago. I absolutely HATE NOISY KIDS! I'm so sorry, I DON'T DO NOISE WELL AT ALL! So this holiday was a true blessing and I was at peace with my thoughts, sleep and God. I had to THANK THE LORD FOR A QUIET PLACE. It felt so good to wake up and leisurely shower, brush my teeth, get dressed and hit Mc Donald's for my cup of early morning Joe. I didn't have to fix breakfast, make sure teeth and faces were up to par or iron clothes, just in case I had to go out. It was just me...SELFISH LIL OL' ME and I was so HAPPY! Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, but I was too old, had gone through too much and was too tired to start all over again raising kids. So I have my moments where I wish I just had the two older ones, they took care of themselves after awhile.

One night, I sat on the phone with my friend til four o'clock in the morning. We talked as I cleaned out my kids clothes drawers. I consider him my gossip partner...we talk about EVERYTHING! After we hung up, I took a shower and hit the couch. By that time, the sun was on the horizon and I fell asleep! It was a beautiful weekend. The kids were with their Dad and his folks at the reunion, and I had such a PEACE these last couple days. By Sunday it hit me as I washed my dishes, that I really have a lot to be thankful for. And as I stood at the kitchen sink, I began to THANK GOD FOR EVERYTHING I COULD THINK OF! Despite all that's transpired in my life these last couple of years, I am forty three years old and look like a youngsta! I'm not sick, nor do I suffer with many of the ailments most women my age suffer with.

As stressed out as I get, I THANK GOD FOR TAKING CARE OF ME! I have a roof over my head, the Lord opens doors for me, when I least expect it. I have food in my house, my bills managed to be paid and I am not walking, unless I have to! I have clothes to wear, shoes on my feet and I LOOK GOOD! I don't need to drink, get high, smoke or run around acting a CORN ASS FOOL to make myself happy. I can sit in my house and just enjoy the solitude of quietness and PEACE! I'm sorry, but I was SO glad to be alone for the first time in a while. This holiday weekend made me realize (even more) what's important and what's not! It was confirmation for me that I really want to be alone for a while, so I can find myself again. Take some Yoga classes and just rearrange my entire life style. Eat even better than I'm eating, finally begin to meditate and just rid my life of toxic people and their NEGATIVE ENERGY!

At the end of the day, I don't need to sit at a barbecue when I'd rather be at home sleeping, writing or reading a book. I've become my Mother in so many ways. I don't like the drama affiliated with people. I made some potato salad for my friend and dropped it off to her, went to see my Aunt from Virginia in West Hempstead and came home to a hot shower and some sleep. It's not that I don't like barbecues or anything, I just feel so different about people. Lately, I've become guarded and hesitant to formulate friendships or even deal with my family or friends. I just need to get my life, I ain't got time to worry about any one else. Sometimes I wish I were a rich recluse. I'd disappear into the world of travel, never staying in one place too long. Leaving thousand dollar tips for struggling waitresses and wishing them well! Yes, I'd live the life projected in the movie "EAT, LOVE, PRAY!" I need to pray, so I can find MY WAY TO GOD! I don't like church, because people in church can be so fulla crap and I am DONE with people who call on God and do DIRT ON A REGULAR. It's a MOCKERY and I don't want be bothered.

So as I write this, I am just THANKFUL for the opportunity to realize a lot of things and PRAY for some DEFINITE CHANGES IN MY LIFE! Until then...THANK YOU GOD FOR ALLOWING ME TO BE ME!!!!

I Want To Dance With Him...All Night Long!!!

Every now and then, I get a song in my head-one that won't leave because it has some significance to it. This is one of my all time Mary Favz and the words are "REAL!" So listen and peep the subliminal side piece.

Me and this dude I grew up with used to fight like cats and dogs. I mean from grade school up, we just couldn't get along. He WAS SO DAMN MEAN and SO WAS I...so there,WE EVEN! As the years went by we'd see one another, hiss and straight MEAN MUG each other. I hadn't seen him around in years, but recently, I began catching glimpses of him in the neighborhood-riding by in a Haute Whip on the low. It's funny how you think you can't stand someone, but the one day you start talking and you can feel a sudden attraction, looking into each other's eyes!

Which is what happened one morning driving my kids to Jamaica. I pulled up on him in a sports car and spoke. "Hey...What's Good, I aint seen you in a minute!" I omit the name for many reasons, but man I'm telling you, the look on his face and in his eyes..."PRICELESS!" One, because I think he was shocked I even spoke to him and two...it's the "DAYUUMM SHE STILL LOOK THE SAME LOOK!" I knew it...the devilish grins and  mess going through our heads as we exchanged niceities was "a Bunch of Bull and I knew it! He kept it cordial though and so did I. He was alone, but I had the kids in the back and their Paw in the passenger seat. Not once did I bother to introduce them, like I once would've out of respect. That's over, he has no title in my life nor does he take precedence over anything anymore, I'm booking ahead and he knows it.

Why lie? I'm looking to move on and make moves with someone who wants to make moves with me! Anyway, he asks me if I still live in our hood and I say yeah, but I'm dying to move out of Rockaway! He then volunteers where he lives, street block and number; everything, but the address itself! The whole time, I'm accusing him of being mean to me. TRANSLATION: Are you still mean? Cause, I'm still mean too and I think we could be MEAN TOGETHER! Quickly, he defends himself, "I'm not mean anymore!" I remind him about our many fights and we both laugh about it. I guess we were too young to have sexual tension between us, so we fought! After that, I kind of went deaf, cause I was mesmerized and wanted to drive his car,both of them. Now I am intrigued and want to know more about him and I'm sure he wants the same! We race to the next light, still exchanging subliminal looks and flirting. What's bugging me out even more, is that I know he wishes I were alone, so he can slide me his math. I'm really digging him, because he doesn't seem to care the kid's Paw is sitting right there beside me. He doesn't speak or even acknowledge his presence and that makes me EVEN MORE INTERESTED! I LOVE A MAN WITH SOME BALLS...IT MADE ME WANT HIM EVEN MORE! He then tells me, "when you see SHOUT ME OUT...STOP ME...HOLLA AT ME!" I'm like "NO DOUBT!"

As we say our good byes, I want to know him more and I'm upset because we can't talk. All of this is going on while we're driving and racing to each light. A mental note of where he rests his head goes in the storage bank of my head and it will stay there. All I'm thinking about is how attracted I am to him and he doesn't even realize it... I think we liked each other as kids and fought all the time because of it. He was really mean and surly as HELL and I was one not to take ish off anybody, so you can imagine we argued and fought a lot. He always had the ill grill and mean mugged everybody. Me, you just had to push me a little bit and it was over. We literally HATED EACH OTHER, or so we thought. Only time will tell! People like this...ALWAYS end up together.

Some how though, I have a feeling things are going to be different. I haven't seen him since and I'd like to "DANCE" with him in more ways than one. This will be a journey to remember, I can feel it in my bones. The moment we get to talking and find our moment of truth, we are destined for some rough times and a test of wills; just to see which one of us will "BREAK" first! This is going to be interesting and I can't wait.
He's already playing hard to get. I won't get into the dynamics, but let's just say; I think we are in for a ride and for the long haul! It's going to be some summer...I'm smiling already!

FACE BOOK...SHOWS TRUE FACE!!!

The other day my friend Divine in boxed me to see how I was doing. It was funny because my girlfriend had the only crush on him back in the day and just asked me about the old Bay Towers Crew! I told her I hadn't seen any of them in awhile, but most of us are friends on Face Book. All of a sudden, I get a message from Divine who lets me know he'll be in town and wants to hang out.  My girlfriend and I will be going to meet him for dinner. I miss my old friends and don't mind chilling with them, the GENUINE ones. I'm learning to be weary of dudes with two FAKE BOOK pages and the ones who LURK on your page because it's open and yet you can't see theirs or they don't have the respect to friend request you! Yet all the other skank ass tramps are on their page and this is when you realize, they have a lot to hide... You gotta love em, FAKE AS A THREE DOLLAR BILL!

The one thing people don't realize is there's only but so much hiding you can do behind a profile. Believe me, the real you permeates in ways you wouldn't imagine.

Don't you just love the fake ass fools who are married or in relationships yet they look to hook up with females on the sly? I love those types, cause in a week they'll be boo'd up in some Fake Book Flick with their Wife or "Boo!" Which is why I only deal with certain people and I am not on a cyber hunt for a date.

These last couple years have taught me so much about people especially men; how shallow and full of shit they are. Why they can befriend certain people on a social network and yet have an issue with  you. If there's one thing I do have is tact, respect and common sense. I never comment on any of my male friends pics or make inappropriate comments; especially if they have a wife or a girl friend. It's not worth the stress and I don't want the headache.

There was a time I'd question the reasoning behind people's actions, but I had to look within myself and realize when people act a certain way, they're not your friend anyway...they never were!

So I want to take the time to Thank my home boys, ex-crushes, boyfriends and good friends for being real with me and not slithering around a snake, full of dishonesty and lies. For respecting me enough to know I would never disrespect them or their significant other. I encourage my male friends in the most positive ways and have no time for games... I KNOW MY PLACE AND STAY IN IT!



Jentezen Franklin The Boaz family tree...Part I

 

This was me. I thought I'd followed all the rules. After I'd given birth to my second child I realized, it was time for me to spend time...alone with myself. At twenty one I'd been married, by twenty three, I had my daughter and moved back home. I was six months pregnant and not married a full year, when the decision was made to go back home. I was going to be a mother and her father had too many issues for me to deal with him and raise my daughter too. My focus was her and providing a decent life for us. Something he couldn't do. I had no desire to live a life of poverty or allow my child to suffer, I wasn't raised like that. We never knew anything about being poor or maybe we didn't realize we were poor. But I can't relate to living an impoverished lifestyle, even though we resided in Far Rockaway! My house was immaculately clean. We weren't on welfare and NEVER went without! I guess I didn't realize we were working class, but we were, and for my mother to spend three hundred dollars on comforters for her bed or have the living drapes custom made, who would think they were poor? There was no Kool Aid allowed in my house, until the nineties, when we could buy it ourselves. Mommy did Gouz and she was a sale shopper. A woman who knew the art of money was being a finagler! We had Waterford crystal in our house, Beige carpet and glass tables from Fortunoff and even some Haufman Koos Hunni! There was no walking around in her house with no shoes on! NO WAY!

So I wasn't going to raise my daughter in a home where she felt impoverished or disadvantaged.

Which is why I knew my marriage wouldn't work and it was destined to FAIL! It is true, you cannot marry someone who is not on your level. You are wasting your time dating someone who can't understand why you'd spend forty dollars on a shower curtain. Because they shop on the Avenue or Conway. It's just not sensible. When my parents were married, they received fine bone China as one of their wedding gifts. My mother knew about the finer things in life. Where as my father didn't mind the "THRIFT SHOP!" Now there is a recipe for disaster!

It was hard watching my parents fight over money and priorities. My Grandparents had money and most of the people on my mother's side of the family had a lil money! My uncles were Masons and some of my aunts' were Eastern Stars and had pledged sororities and were apart of the elitist organizations. So When I say my family don't do CHEAP or TAWDRY...WE DON"T! I may be the most "HOOD" of my female cousins and I own that! But best believe this "HOOD RAT" has a Bachelor's Degree hanging up in my living room. And I know more about the Jack and Jill clubs, The Boule's, The Girlfriends and Lynx's clubs...Yet I was too dumb to pledge Delta when I should have.

I really made a lot of bad calls in my life and when I decided to become CELIBATE and wait on GOD! I BLEW IT BY PLACING A TIME LIMIT ON THE LORD AND THAT'S JUST ONE THING YOU DON'T DO!

Jentezen Franklin The Boaz family tree...Part ll

 

During the early two thousands, God DELIVERED ME INTO A LAND AND TIME OF PROSPERITY! I became an English Teacher and Dean. God Blessed me with my own car, my daughter attended private school and my children NEVER WENT  WITHOUT! I had my own apartment, wanted to purchase my own house out on Long Island and was aspiring to become a Principal!

In the beginning, I was okay with being celibate, because I had my eye on someone, but he was in a relationship and I didn't see the sense of violating what he had. I wanted to RESPECT him and the mother of his children. So I stayed away and waited for him. He never knew it, but I was waiting on him. Eventually, we spoke and he informed me he was getting married and I was CRUSHED! But it was ok, or so I thought...I'd met him in ninety eight through a good friend at Bally's. That was the second LOVE of MY LIFE! They say you get three and I ADORED HIM! We became good friends and he treated me with the utmost respect and I am grateful today and we are still friends.

He was the man I wanted. I saw the dedication he had to his children and the love for his family. This man worked hard and lived in his own house. He was a party promoter and had hundreds of broads running behind him, and I felt out of place. But he always made me feel RESPECTED and called me BABY GIRL! I wanted to marry him...I was CONVINCED HE WAS IN THE CARDS. But God knew better. We had similar tastes and views, he was the man who gave the big barbecues and liked to entertain at his house and I knew this was the man I wanted to be with. He loved life and I knew we would've been ok together. But we said our goodbye's and life went on and I met Lucas.

From the start I knew Lucas was a rebound thing. I was tired of waiting and being lonely. I remember telling the Lord, "Five years is too long for me to still be waiting for a husband!" But thirteen years later, I am still unmarried and DIDN'T WAIT ON THE LORD!

Sometimes I wonder if my BOAZ exists, but I've been so disappointed in SETTLING for a man I didn't love, I may have ruined my chances for  marriage.

All the red flags were there. I have NO ONE TO BLAME BUT MYSELF, If I'd only WAITED ON GOD TO SEND ME MY BOAZ!

The moral of the story is "WAIT ON GOD AND DON"T PUT ANY LIMITS, RESTRICTIONS OR TIME CONSTRAINTS ON GOD...THEY DON'T WORK and HE DOES THINGS IN HIS OWN TIME!

DAVID RUFFIN -"STATUE OF A FOOL" (1975)

This song didn't deserve the recognition it should've and neither did David Ruffin.

I woke up with this song on my heart this morning, because the words are so deep and describes me to a "T." Because I'm not afraid to admit I've been such a FOOL with some of the decisions in my life. Although there's no going back to change a lot of things, I have a list of mistakes I wish I could go back in time and fix. To who I first slept with, to the man I married and the fathers' of my children.

Yes, I said it! Even though I was young and stupid I still could've made wiser choices in my life. I was hurting real bad and made many decisions based on grief and hurt.

In 1986, my grandmother died, leaving me DEVASTATED! I was so HURT, I couldn't function and the HURT manifested into an ANGER I still carry today. My mother and I didn't have the greatest relationship, but my Grandmother LOVED ME UNCONDITIONALLY and now she was gone.

All of a sudden, my world was disrupted and the beginning of my loneliness set in. You can be surrounded by many, but still feel alone. If you don't have TRUE LOVE in your life, you will look for love in all the wrong places. I was fifteen and five months shy of my sixteenth birthday, when I met who I THOUGHT was the LOVE of my life! Yeah right!!! All he did was take advantage of me. When we first met, I remember telling him I was a virgin and he didn't even believe me. WOW! The young me, didn't realize the caliber of girls he was used to, so there was no way my ANGRY, LOUD, WILD ASS could've been a virgin! Oh what a misconception! Most girls like that are very CLOSE MINDED WHEN IT COMES TO SEX, especially at that age. Your demeanor doesn't always accompany your actions. Funny thing is, when I saw him some time ago I had to remind him because HE FORGOT!!! In today's urban term: "WTF!" How do you forget something like being woman's first sexual partner? OHHH KAAAYYY THHHENNN....

Right then, I knew allowing him to be the first, was a HUGE MISTAKE (shaking my damn head) and with all the guys chasing me...I chose HIM! I HAD TO BE A FOOL! Le Sigh...( in my Parisian Language). Looking back, I realized he was so selfish and self-centered...on top of that he didn't deserve my time or the precious thing I gave him...YEAH I WAS SUCH A FOOL!

If I could go back to Friday, September 26, 1986; get off the "A" train and take my ass to school, I really believe my life would've been SO MUCH BETTER, EVEN RIGHT TODAY!

Writing this and listening to the sound of the rain, makes me feel numb...I can't even write anymore, so I will sign off for now and leave you to the words of this melancholy song...

Work For A Cause and Not Applause...

When I began my initial blog, it was about seven years ago. The original concept was about life style, beauty and fashion. But then it hit me, all people do is talk about themselves; what extravagant lifestyle they live, how perfect their lives are and what level of class they aspire to be on. So I changed the premise of my blog wanting to focus on relationships and our daily interactions in life. Of course I can't recall the title, but I never really stuck with it. Life's distractions and  me being busy as all get out prevents me being consistent with anything. The one thing I am is a procrastinator and a commitment phob! As a teenager I've always loved to write and even now as an adult, writing is therapeutic for me. Writing is a talent you have to develop and is not about bragging rights. People write about a lot of facetious crap. Honestly, if I'm not influencing anyone's life in a positive way, then there's nothing to write about.

Which is why I can go days without posting or sit down to post and wind up saving it as a draft. That's what real writers and entertainers do and why some of their greatest work to date is discovered upon their death. Such as in the case of  unreleased work by some of our greatest stars in the entertainment industry. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, I don't do this for recognition, I don't do this for praise, I do it for people who have things on their minds they are afraid to verbalize. I'm not trying to impress anyone or be seen. Again, writing is a passion I've had since I was thirteen years old, writing in a diary and reading Jackie Collins novels. I have always been a reader, writer and a dreamer with one vivid imagination. So when I say I'm not looking for attention, believe me I'm not. Sometimes I feel people do things because they have insecurities within themselves and have to  find something or someone to compare themselves to. Having a mind of your own is one thing, but not being swayed from the beliefs, morals and values you were brought up with is stellar. Just because the masses are doing something, doesn't mean you have to follow the masses. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist, and like that...HE WAS GONE!!! This is why I have my own mind, my own views and I will ALWAYS remain FAITHFUL TO MY TRUTHS and WILL NEVER ACCEPT THINGS OF THE WORLD. Our time here is too short to COMPROMISE with EVIL and PRIDE, which is why I ALWAYS WANT TO LIVE A HUMBLE LIFE!!!

My attitude can be real brash and I have a hard time with people who put on "airs' or think they have one up on you for whatever reason. It is because of this, I've taken a true insouciant attitude towards certain people and whether they speak or not, I love them, but "PRESSED" is one thing I am not...TRUST! Education has a tendency to send an illusion of elitism and make people think they have one up on people with out a college degree. The way I see it is you may have degrees, but a shit load of mountainous debt as an accoutrement to your "degrees!" Who needs it? Oh and by the way, you will be paying them loans back until you die or hit the lottery...which ever comes first. So putting on pompous airs are a waste of time, trust me and some of the richest people to date, never finish college! If it ain't one thang it's another with people and most us always feel we have to out shine or out do each other. Especially women. We have some personal inbred insecurities and need to seriously look inward, and search our souls. There's so much cynicism and competition among women...everything is a competition of some magnitude. If we see another woman in our peer group making strides, why do we feel the need to discredit them inadvertently? Are you thinking of a way to show a person up by superseding what they do? Who are you proving your skills to, especially if you don't run in similar circles? Therefore, it must be an insecurity within yourself you need to address.

I like to expose my flaws and for the most part, I am an open book; pulling no punches and telling no lies. Zanee' is Zanee' and I don't do airs and I hate FAKE!  Let me say a lot of people have a false sense of HIGH GRANDUER and think they are the cat's pajama's. Let me say, you are sadly mistaken and humility needs to become a HUGE part of renovation in your life. I don't care what you have or had, always remember, over confidence leaves room for a fall. I've seen the most down to earth people grow obnoxious when God bestows a small blessing in their lives and when you become to "HIGH" for your own self; he snatches the rug right from under you! Welcome back to reality kids...did you enjoy thinking you were better than someone for that small amount of time.

I find a lot of women do this too, especially when they are getting married. Does the engagement ring become a pass to think you're better than the next broad? Maybe you've been blessed and not lucky or lucky and not blessed! You've degraded yourself enough, and now your making wedding plans and acting like you're better than people you've cried to when the chips were down...typical chicks! I've been married before, it's no big deal if you don't have TRUE LOVE! You can say you were in love or your ass has been on the shelf so long, you take the first man who asks you to marry and pretend you are SO IN LOVE! No honey, who you wanted didn't choose you and let's talk about your promiscuous romps in the club on the low and one night stands with the wrong dude and now you're a wife or might be one and all of a sudden you're a SAINT?!?! When did this happen? Again a little HUMILITY would've been nice, because God forbid you don't get married or get married and it doesn't work out; who's shoulder will you cry on after you've acted like an ass? Now you need to eat some HUMBLE PIE and crawl back to the clubs and parties and the one night stands. Selling yourself short looking for love in all the wrong places. HUMILITY IS GREAT...TRY IT... IT WORKS! Work for a CAUSE and Not Applause!!!

MY LIFE UNDER CONSTRUCTION...

I am working on many projects. Multi-tasking is what one might call it. Taking on this Blog, trying to pen a memoir about the tumultuous relationship between Mothers and daughters and trying to finish school. Honestly, school is priority on my list of "to do" projects. Do I want to finally finish my Master's Degree? Yes! But I honestly don't feel fulfilled, finding peace within myself and clarity in my life is what I want. I've grown tired of people, excuses, deceit and nonsense. People are so dishonest, they lie to themselves and love it. Personally, I've grown tired of facetious folks and bullshit...so I keep to myself, wishing I were a rich recluse living in one of them luxurious hotels. In the summer, hit St. Tropez or the Amalfi Coast, Tahiti you know the Virgin Islands. Spring time in Paris is cliché', but I'd still be there. Most definitely London, so I can visit Harrods's Department store and drink Earl Grey Tea till it's coming out of my ears. And by the time the Fall hits, I'd be back in America staying in one of Trumps spots. Because there's nothing like NYC in the Fall and during the holidays. Unfortunately, I am common folk and I just have to live my life like a normal person. Go Figure!!!!

As of now, my life is definitely in disarray. There are days I don't know whether I'm coming or going and that's the truth. I write because it is therapeutic, not because I'm some great literary scholar. I write to deal...I write to heal! Some days I don't know if therapy works, all I know is the Xanax I take stops me from slapping the DOG SHIT out of people and my bouts with anxiety has taught me to STAY FAR AWAY FROM TRIGGER FOLKS! Trigger people are the ones who get on your nerves with a lot of DUMB SHIT! They say dumb shit, do dumb shit and act dumb as shit! So to keep a level of balance in my life I steer clear of people who stress me out and who I don't like. I never understood why people flip out and kill folks, now I do. I have a laundry list of people I'd like to deal with in some way. Killing them just wont suffice, that's too easy! Suffering is more like it...

I can't deal with a lot of silly shit and hate people who think a damn drink or drugs will solve their problems. You can guarantee they'll be there when you sober up or come down off your high, quote me on that one! So this is why I will not allow alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs to control my feelings. And if controlling my temper means staying by myself to meditate and be peaceful, then let me be me!  All I want is a better relationship with God, because I don't look at even him the same anymore. People say we shouldn't question God, yet we all do. Even if you don't realize it, subconsciously you do. See God knows every thought before you even think it, so if you don't say it out loud, you already thought about it! So I just go on and ask him, in my thoughts, out loud and in my prayers. In my heart, I think he respects my honesty and laughs at my sheer ignorance, because he's going to do what he wants anyway. I just wish he didn't take my life away from me, so I'm a little sore and I hate church or anything affiliated with the whole scene. I believe in God with all my heart, but I'm no religious FAKE FANATIC!  You gotta love the people you grew up with who outwardly expressed their hatred for our church and the people in it...now they're "INTO THE LORD!" I think they are full of CRAP! I'm not saying not to serve the Lord, because I think we all should, but I just think they are so phony.

You have people who constantly call on God and constantly do things to people that's down right offensive. I love people who are in church every time the doors are open, but they turn a blind eye to the right and wrong people close to them do. They talk about you to people you don't know and think they're going to make it into the pearly gates. I feel sorry for people like this, because before you die, you have to at least try and make things right with people you've hurt or offended in some way. My mother did this before she died. She had her reasons for disliking Lucas and told him to his face why! She was never one to pull punches, so when she said "You're not good enough for my daughter, you're not on her level and you don't have the means to accommodate her growth or wishes!" Not only was she right, her feelings were valid! My mother was so REAL she even had the BALLS to tell Lucas' father the same thing in a conversation and he agreed with where she was coming from! I doubt he liked her saying what was in her heart, but he RESPECTED it and that's the difference.

At the end of the day, each experience I share with you will wind up in a book or books. If I could sit my ass down and dedicate myself to my life's work. Cuz Lawd knows, I am suffering from ADHD! I don't proof read my blog until I am tired or after I realize I haven't done it at all...so bear with me people, I'm trying to get better.

Standing On The Crossroad of This Bridge...

I plan to stand on this bridge one day, real soon. I am going to buy me a padlock while I'm at it and dedicate my dreams of scouring every inch of Paris to Mommy. That was my dream, to spend my fortieth birthday in Paris eating French pastries and Macaroons and drinking tea...Mommy doesn't drink wine. Then we'd search the antique flea markets, perfumeries, vintage furniture shops and then all the high end luxury stores.
Paris seems like a dream now, a distant memory. I will go, but it will be without Mommy. My trip won't be the same without her, she was my BEST FRIEND and there is nothing I wanted more than to dine atop the Eiffel Tower with Mommy. Yeah I know Paris is for lovers, but anyway...my mother and I share LOVE of similar things. Fancy, Fancy, Fancy! She taught me how to dress, how to be an individual, not follow the crowd and develop a style all my own. Mommy was a classy woman and it was reflected in her taste. She was the quintessential Southern Belle; didn't speak above a certain tone, never yelled, screamed or lost her temper and could silence the most belligerent person with a look. It was she who told me I was too loud, crass and crude. I used to laugh at her a lot, but as I grew older I realized she was right...but it was my personality, I was embracing and I LOVE BEING ME!

I may not be as reserved as the average girl, because I am vivacious and full of life. Laughter is my medicine although I seem miserable to some, it is because I present my TRUE SELF TO PEOPLE I FEEL LIKE ARE TRUE TO ME! Kissing ass is not one of my attributes, I'm not going to play up to anyone for their approval, acceptance, or for them to "LIKE" me. If you cant take me as I am, you'll get nothing at all..."Mary J. Blige was on to something with that song!" As I get older, I realize my destiny has been compromised. By the choices I made in friends, men and even my family...Life has been no crystal stair and for much of my life I definitely viewed the world through rose colored glasses. After Mommy died, I had a mental break down and as 'OKAY" as I may seem, I'm not. The world and the people in it are cold and selfish. I feel like a paranoid schizophrenic half the time, because I don't trust anybody.

People seem to harbor resentment toward me, because I'm not as stupid as they think I am or want me to be. I've been giving the wrong people too much credit for too long. While they're doing nothing in my life, except stressing me out and getting mad because I no longer want to be bothered.

I just want to live my life, travel and see the world. There's no time in my life for meaningless conversation or nosey people; who just want to get in your business and stab you in the back. All I want to do is enjoy life and meet new people from different places. I am so over everyone and every thing...I want to lie across a glass floor and stare at exotic fish floating by under a bungalow in Bora Bora. Sit on the coasts of Amalfi and Capri, Italy drinking a lemon Bellini and eating fresh made pasta! Then hit St. Tropez and Monaco and shop till I drop at their prestigious boutiques and then sit on a bridge and soak up the sun. Hit Dubai and ride a camel and get sun burned in the hot desert sun. Roam through the most elite an expensive hotels and leave when I'm good and ready.

I even want to see St. Petersburg in Russia when it's freezing, so I can buy one of those huge Russian Fur Hats and a Sable fur coat; because it may be cheaper over there. Then when I'm done, I will jet set back to Santorini, Greece and eat fresh Baklava or Honey and yogurt with fruit. Sit on their coast line and eat fresh calamari!  London, Africa and so many other places are on my list; I just want an opportunity to go. We all have one life to live and I want to enjoy mine, minus people and strife!

Mary J. Blige - Take Me As I Am

 

This song needs no introduction...it is me as I am or nothing at all!

The Simplicity of Life...

I never asked for much, but I did want the things in life most women want; a husband, a family...but most of all A HOUSE! Well I got the husband, the wrong way, one I NEVER LOVED and it was destined to fail and it did. I have a family, but not the traditional family I was looking for. The house is another story...the jury's out on that one, because I'm still alive and want to believe if I pray hard enough, God might give me one.

It's not looking too great home the love front and that's fine with me. Maybe because I'm older and wiser, I wish I could have a house on my own and no I do not want to leave New York just to own a house. So I guess, I'll be staying here. I'm not a fan of the south at all, the only place I'd want to live is in Los Angeles. I have no desire to deal with inadvertent racism, I LOVE NEW YORK TOO MUCH!

When Lucas and I first met, I shared dreams of moving out to Long Island. I wanted my children to have a better life. There are places in Queens, I love as well and wouldn't mind living in Cambria Heights or Laurelton. But for now, I'll just keep quiet. The other day he had the nerve to say " I want to buy you a house!" my response was very curt " Nah, No Thank you...I don't want any ties to you and we're done!" Then it hit me, I guess that's what God means when he says obedience is better than sacrifice. Lucas thinks gifts can pass for a love that's REAL and TRUE! He thought by promising me things, I'd stay around...hopeful. He bought an engagement ring, after being together for ten years, that was enough...it wasn't. This is true because he never intended for us to marry and as my Mother used say "A ring ain't nothing but a license to lay up!" She was right, because two years after "the ill-fated engagement" he brings a new life into the world, with a girl I think he really needs to consider marrying.

My take on life is different these days. I can't bargain with God about anything else anymore...he didn't listen or maybe I didn't. But whatever the case, I just want to raise my last two children in a house, even if it's by myself-so I can be alone, HAPPY and CREATE SOME WONDERFUL MEMORIES and a LEGACY LIKE ALL THE WOMEN IN MY FAMILY HAVE DONE!



Trust Issues Part 2...Instincts

 

When my vibe doesn't take to a person, I'm hardly ever wrong. There is definitely a little voice in the back of my head screaming loudly, even while I talk to the person. While I try not to be standoffish or aloof, I can present myself as an overbearing, condescending loud mouth. When in reality, I only show that side to people I don't care for. I often joke of being a little off, but I am not crazy at all I am in possession of all my faculties and just don't like a lot of bullshit!
There's nothing like a people in the streets coming up to you wanting to forge a friendship and you might like them as a person, but you really don't like the people they associate with. Which is usually why I am reluctant to make new friends and even with my old comrades, I can be reserved and mistrusting. Especially if they begin to keep company with people I don't trust. Once I see them engage in certain behaviors, you can bet our phone calls will become far and in between. Don't ask me to come to parties or be around people I don't care for...it's as simple as that. I hate the fact women are some timey and phony toward each other. What irks me most is how they will know they don't care for a person, but hang out with the SAME girl they dislike!
After you sit and give me a laundry list of things this person has done, why are you hanging out with them? When I see the game, I'm out. Don't ask me shit about the person, especially if I don't know them, I'm not about to dignify you with  an answer, so you can go back discuss, remix and put your spin on some bullshit? Yeah, ok...miss me with that one!
Even men have become bitches in this respect. They will maliciously malign a girls character either because they won't sleep with them, they've slept with them or they want to sleep with them. Either way, why sit up and discuss the girl, yet you're up in her face every chance you get.
My biggest pet peeve with people is when they really don't know you, yet judge you by what they've heard or "think" they know! "YOU GOTTA LOVE THESE FOLKS!" Smiling in your face, and gathering behind your back to talk about you, to the same people they talk about. Sounds messy right? Sounds confusing don't it? Makes no sense? Yeah, you get my point then. Basically, what I'm saying is while your dumb ass sits there listening to all you can about the "HATED" party, don't be surprised, the "HATED" knows about you too...DUMB ASS! What about your family? Who see you go through what ever it is, but it doesn't affect them, so in all reality, they don't give a shit. They just want you to come around, so they can get in your business and discuss YOU later!
People amaze me for lack of better words and I just can't be bothered. If I even think you're talking about me, our conversations will be VERY SPARCE and you might not hear from me at all.
I just don't TRUST people, point blank. I don't care how you help them, they will betray you at some point. Most people call you crazy or paranoid, because you are on to them. I trust my INSTINCTS more NOW than ever before and will continue to do so. We are all given INSTINCTS, use them...they just might come in  handy one day!

 

 

HAVING COMPASSION WHEN NOTHING IS LEFT...

 

If there is one thing I do know about my heart, is that it is kind.

I was warm and caring and at one point FULL OF COMPASSION. Notice I said I was COMPASSIONATE, but experience has taught me some harsh lessons. Being understanding about many of my dealings with people I care about or love has been my down fall. I believe no one acts out without reason; for every action there is a reaction. Every single time I acted out of sorts it was for a reason. People always seem to judge people who behave erratically and I am one of those people who indulges in erratic behavior. Funny thing, my behavior is often misinterpreted for other things... like being crazy!

One thing I will admit to is being a little off my meds at times. I can be incorrigible, temperamental and just plain cantankerous. My friends used laugh and call me miserable. They'd call me talking to my answering machine and accusing me of being at home screening my calls, and were usually right! To be honest, sometimes I suffer from system overload...trying to process an abundance of information; my problems and other people's problems.

After many years of sitting on the phone, listening to people's problems, I decided enough was enough. The years I spent listening to everyone's problems held me back. I was so busy trying to save the world and deferring my dreams. At the end of the day, and one too many betrayals I realized it wasn't worth it. Half of these broads I hung out with and went to bat for, I don't even speak to. So confronting and beating up people they were too afraid to stand up to, got me where? Half of them needed them ass whippings and best believe if I could go back in time, I would re-write the ending to a lot of stories, quote me on it.

People have become so shallow and fake, it's ridiculous. Loyalty is a thing of the past and so it goes. Morals are non-existent and I won't touch on that...it doesn't add any more relevancy to this article so chuck it! Usually I try to understand people and their reaction to situations. If I don't understand, I basically derive my own synopsis of a person before I judge them. Today, I am all tapped out of understanding and compassion for people. My trust has goes from hanging on a thread to non-existent. The saddest thing in the world is having a big heart full of compassion; but what's even sadder is having a broken heart that wants to remain unscathed by the nonsense of others. Right now, I look at everyone in my life and question their motives. One major thing I can't get past with people is their ability to wrong you, time after time, never apologize and when you call them on their bullshit, you're crazy!

So Guess WHAT? I AM DONE!

Done being compassionate, done trusting, done believing and just plain DONE with people,from my past and present! There are people in my life, who have no clue as to how DONE I AM WITH THEM and that CIRCUMSTANCE KEEPS US ON INTERACTIVE TERMS. I'm not naming anyone but I will definitely say this, I enjoy my ability to abruptly dismiss people-especially men. No disrespect, but they do it to women with ease.

At the end of the day, I'm learning a compassionate heart doesn't get you anywhere. Being understanding helps to better deal with people, but being compromising allows them to take advantage of you. As I get older, I realize the good die young and yes nice people do finish last...in some respects. I guess RUTHLESS is the way to go, UNAPOLOGETIC and RELENTLESS sums it up. So for now, I will work on wisdom and more understanding. The funeral for compassion was a small one with a heart of burnt ashes as proof. My insides have become an Urn and it is there I nurse the memory of people and past experiences. Ashes of the past is what I call it and the hurt is a constant reminder of how shallow and full of crap people really are, even your family.

When I was younger, I sit up at night thinking about people and why they do the things they do. Now I go to sleep and dream about the crazy things people do, if I can sleep...cause I'm still a thinker and that will never change. Do I want peace, of course I do. Will I find it? I think I will, when I can remove certain people from my life forever. Peace is hard to acquire when you have the stressor living in your space and their lives have been so dysfunctional, they think your crazy for not wanting them around. Life is a bowl of lessons and experiences, I guess you're supposed to learn something from this walk, I'm not sure what...but in the meantime, I'll just pray for PEACE!