From the first time I heard this song, it touched my soul so deeply reminding me of the people in my life, I've loved and lost. This week Ms. Pat lost her husband and I was just so shook up, I couldn't bring myself to go to the funeral. Funerals are so final and I hate goodbyes! I broke down in tears in front of her, because I dreamt he was going to die two years ago. Just like I dreamt my Mother's death, felt my Grandmother's time was near and knew my Grandfather was dead, before Mommy could tell me. During my Aunt Alice Mae's last days, I had a feeling she'd die around the date of Mommy's passing and she did. My mother died October 15, 2005 and Auntie passed October 16, 2012!
Goodbyes are really hard for me and I don't know how to deal with never being able to see people again, it just breaks my heart. I know Ms. Pat was upset, but I just can't take grief at all.
My first real experience with death (at 15) was when my Grandmother died. I remember knowing she was dead before my Father answered the phone. After her funeral, the family convened at her house for the repass. I remember just sitting in her favorite chair under the phone, watching everybody laughing and talking-it was like slow motion...I was so DEVASTATED! I guess my cousin Nita saw I was really messed up and she took me for walk...I was never right again.
Twenty years later, Mommy took sick and died. I remember the night I told my Father Mommy was going to die. He just looked at me and appeared to pay me no mind. But I distinctively told him, "Just call me and start talking to me and I'll know!" That night I fell asleep with out Benadryl or Ambien, and around twelve o'clock I was roused to use the bathroom. It hit me then, I hadn't slept since March at night and the night she died, God put me soundly to sleep and Mommy woke me up to tell me she was leaving! When the phone rang, I just made small talk and asked my Father, "What time did she go?" He wasn't sure, but I bet he was wondering how I knew Mommy was going to die.
With each day turning into months and months turning into years, I just grieve and wish for the genuine LOVE of my family. The love I received from my FAMILY was unconditional and real.
People let you down, who you love NEVER LOVES YOU and so the story goes. If I could ask God for one thing, it would be more time, so the family members I lost could STAY WITH ME!
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