If there is one thing I do know about my heart, is that it is kind.
I was warm and caring and at one point FULL OF COMPASSION. Notice I said I was COMPASSIONATE, but experience has taught me some harsh lessons. Being understanding about many of my dealings with people I care about or love has been my down fall. I believe no one acts out without reason; for every action there is a reaction. Every single time I acted out of sorts it was for a reason. People always seem to judge people who behave erratically and I am one of those people who indulges in erratic behavior. Funny thing, my behavior is often misinterpreted for other things... like being crazy!
One thing I will admit to is being a little off my meds at times. I can be incorrigible, temperamental and just plain cantankerous. My friends used laugh and call me miserable. They'd call me talking to my answering machine and accusing me of being at home screening my calls, and were usually right! To be honest, sometimes I suffer from system overload...trying to process an abundance of information; my problems and other people's problems.
After many years of sitting on the phone, listening to people's problems, I decided enough was enough. The years I spent listening to everyone's problems held me back. I was so busy trying to save the world and deferring my dreams. At the end of the day, and one too many betrayals I realized it wasn't worth it. Half of these broads I hung out with and went to bat for, I don't even speak to. So confronting and beating up people they were too afraid to stand up to, got me where? Half of them needed them ass whippings and best believe if I could go back in time, I would re-write the ending to a lot of stories, quote me on it.
People have become so shallow and fake, it's ridiculous. Loyalty is a thing of the past and so it goes. Morals are non-existent and I won't touch on that...it doesn't add any more relevancy to this article so chuck it! Usually I try to understand people and their reaction to situations. If I don't understand, I basically derive my own synopsis of a person before I judge them. Today, I am all tapped out of understanding and compassion for people. My trust has goes from hanging on a thread to non-existent. The saddest thing in the world is having a big heart full of compassion; but what's even sadder is having a broken heart that wants to remain unscathed by the nonsense of others. Right now, I look at everyone in my life and question their motives. One major thing I can't get past with people is their ability to wrong you, time after time, never apologize and when you call them on their bullshit, you're crazy!
So Guess WHAT? I AM DONE!
Done being compassionate, done trusting, done believing and just plain DONE with people,from my past and present! There are people in my life, who have no clue as to how DONE I AM WITH THEM and that CIRCUMSTANCE KEEPS US ON INTERACTIVE TERMS. I'm not naming anyone but I will definitely say this, I enjoy my ability to abruptly dismiss people-especially men. No disrespect, but they do it to women with ease.
At the end of the day, I'm learning a compassionate heart doesn't get you anywhere. Being understanding helps to better deal with people, but being compromising allows them to take advantage of you. As I get older, I realize the good die young and yes nice people do finish last...in some respects. I guess RUTHLESS is the way to go, UNAPOLOGETIC and RELENTLESS sums it up. So for now, I will work on wisdom and more understanding. The funeral for compassion was a small one with a heart of burnt ashes as proof. My insides have become an Urn and it is there I nurse the memory of people and past experiences. Ashes of the past is what I call it and the hurt is a constant reminder of how shallow and full of crap people really are, even your family.
When I was younger, I sit up at night thinking about people and why they do the things they do. Now I go to sleep and dream about the crazy things people do, if I can sleep...cause I'm still a thinker and that will never change. Do I want peace, of course I do. Will I find it? I think I will, when I can remove certain people from my life forever. Peace is hard to acquire when you have the stressor living in your space and their lives have been so dysfunctional, they think your crazy for not wanting them around. Life is a bowl of lessons and experiences, I guess you're supposed to learn something from this walk, I'm not sure what...but in the meantime, I'll just pray for PEACE!
...I see so, many people in my life, in your story, it's almost as though, you been around, some people that are close too, me......that have let me down, and I never ever mentioned it, too them......
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