Fighting Temptations...He Still Loves Me

When Mommy was alive, everyone used to congregate at my house. One day the Fighting Temptations movie came on and throughout the movie we laughed and laughed til our stomachs were knotted. But when this song came on, my parents' whole mood changed and we were having church! There was singing, hands waving and a whole lot of emotion. I just sat there and watched them, feeling a sense of contentment and happiness. This was a year before Mommy died. They really don't watch television, so I allowed her to live vicariously through my vivid imagination and synapsis of t.v. shows.

But this song is my testimony too. Especially when I get to wondering why I'm still here, why some people I grew up with seem to have prospered more than I have and why they seem to have forgotten the "HELL WE ALL PUT OUR PARENTS THROUGH!" I often question God about these things. I was the voice of reason for many of my friends growing up. Yet, I was also the "blame" for supposedly "influencing" them to do "WRONG!" Growing up in the eighties, wasn't easy. You were definitely under scrutiny and pressure to follow the "in crowd."
 I had a mind of my own and I wasn't going to be ostracized or made to feel bad, because I didn't "fit into their perception" of what you think I should be. Because I didn't wear pants or run to every party in town, some of them really tried to make me feel as if I didn't belong. If any one should HOLLA about BULLYING, we all should've back then. Many of the people I went to school with were mean and condescending. If you had personality or a voice, they wanted to silence it; because "you didn't belong or fit in" to their cliques. Funny thing is, I only dealt with this abuse out in the Rockaways where I grew up. Any place else I went, I NEVER HAD TO GO THROUGH NONSENSE! And that's the truth.

It seemed like anyone who was 'different" had to deal with mean and harsh RIDICULE. But I didn't care and I was going to be me regardless. I didn't care whose clique I didn't fit in, as long as my voice was heard, I was gonna be me. Because of that, I had to fight a lot...and fight I did!

Sometimes it seems, like your not good enough for people if you don't fit into their perception of what they think you should be! WHAT EVER!!! 

During my coming of age years, I used to sit up at night, looking up at the stars and thinking. My mind was far more advanced than the average kid at twelve; I had heard too much and seen way too much! Most children who spend a lot of their time around grown people, mature faster and develop an adult thought process. It's what southerners refer to as having "an old soul," and I had one! While my peers were joking, playing and acting up, I would as well...but only in school. When I got home, I became the big sister, who was responsible for my brother and sister. By the time I was thirteen, I did everything but fry chicken. But I could clean, wash clothes, cook, shop and iron! Why? Because my mother taught me every thing I know.

People tend to sleep on you and many of the people I knew, slept on me. My mother taught me many things. And the one thing folks never realize about me...was while I may laugh and act up, but I am a "PEOPLE WATCHER!" Mommy taught me to watch, listen and think about the people I surround myself with. Evaluate every person who you come in contact with, don't be so free and comfortable with them. The older I get, the more I realize Mommy was right. People spend too much time looking for  acceptance and validation from people, not me! Ain't gon' do it, no way, no how...not yesterday, today or tomorrow. If no one else thinks I'm worthy I KNOW GOD DOES! I may fall short to folks on earth, but my loyalty and allegiance will NEVER be to anyone but GOD! I don't have to be anyone but me, when it comes to GOD, and I know he LOVES ME...I don't think anyone else can wake me up in the morning, protect me, give me what I need and keep a hedge around me! I feel like Job, in some respects, because my life has crumbled and fell apart. But I REFUSE TO CURSE GOD AND DIE! He has been TOO GOOD TO ME...I still have my questions and my why's. But one day it'll all make sense.