Surrendering All

I'm trying. I really and truly am! To surrender all things to God. Because I know he is the author and finisher of my FAITH. It's been HARD though, especially after suffering many disappointments in life. Watching Mommy dedicate her life to God and church, only for her faith to be questioned in the end. Me witnessing her suffering is enough to question everything about FAITH IN GOD. I believe in God and I KNOW THERE IS A GOD, but I wonder if he even cares about certain people or does he have his FAVORITES? They say we shouldn't question God, but doesn't he already know what you're thinking before you say it? Well, since I figure he knows a thought before it comes to mind, I might as well ask him. I know he respects my honesty and candor. Maybe that's why I am spared the full extent of his WRATH at times. I know he has a special place in my heart and although I'm not following him as I should; I know he still must love me. Because he intercedes and intercepts many of the devil's plans for destruction in my life and I need to APPRECIATE that. Display a level of GRATEFULNESS so he can BLESS me more. But some times, it gets HARD! Because I feel I've given myself away to some degree, to people who don't deserve me or my time. This walk is not an easy walk and the things I've experienced, makes me question God. I often tell him why I am asking questions and I believe he knows my heart, so he just winks at my ignorance.

What really toppled my FAITH was the experiences I've had over the course of my life and it makes me afraid of the future. They say God already knows the path your life will take and what you go through is already written. Which scares me because, things haven't been so good these last couple of years and if it's like this; I don't want to deal with an uncertain future.

People say you have to step out on FAITH! What's that? I've been through the wrecking ball thing and my life seems like it's in shambles. Currently, I think I'm spending more time rebuilding and restructuring the bricks of my life, than enjoying the fruits of my labor.

I just want to enjoy my life and move on to better things. It's funny how I can give the best advice, but can't seem to make my own way at times. Learning to lean on God and Trust him is the best thing I can do, I just need to get there...hopefully day I will.