FORGIVENESS IS HARD...

Forgiveness is HARD & not one of my positive traits, especially in relationships and with certain people. The other day I made a mental list of people in my life who I've had ought with and wondered; "Why is it I can forgive some people and have a hard time forgiving others?"

As a child, I was so resilient and carefree when it came down to ironing out beefs and problems. In High School, my friends knew me as wise, fair and having a King Solomon process of thought. If you are biblically versed, you would know King Solomon was a very wise King. If people had beef, I was definitely the peace maker, but could be WILD AND QUICK TO THROW A PUNCH! But only if it were necessary. In my experiences with females, ninety percent of the time, they fight over stupid things... JEALOUSY OR A MAN! Basically, I'm saying all this to say I've always found ways for other people to mend fences and become friends again. What happened to me? I used to be full of compassion back then and only if I felt a direct violation or disrespect, would I "charge" you.

When I was younger, I had a few bad experiences that changed my life forever. One of them was my first and only love having a baby with another girl and NEVER apologizing for it. Not even trying to explain what happened and lying to me...telling me "I'd NEVER HURT YOU LIKE THAT!" This was two months before this child was born and four months before I found out he'd lied. Funny thing is, it took me years to forgive him and in the process, I BETRAYED HIM out of anger and MARRIED HIS BESTFRIEND! It wasn't right, but I felt if you can be cocky and arrogant about my feelings, it's now time for me to return the "FAVOR" and  EMBARASS you!

When you're young, you do dumb things. Which caused my mother to continuously remind me "Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord!" I realized this later, when I regretted taking my revenge that far. Eventually and with time I forgave him. It was easy and I wondered why. Then it came to me one day after Mommy died, only when you truly love someone can you forgive them. If you don't love them, it's REALLY HARD and I DO MEAN DIFFICULT.

How fair it is, I can't say! But with each passing day, I wonder why I can't forgive some of the thing's people do; and it is because LOVE DOESN'T EXIST THERE and I'm just going through the motions. I think the only way to heal and forgive someone, is if you're not looking at them everyday.

I have lots to work on and I just want to go back to that innocent, compassionate young girl!