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Tuesday, March 25, 2014

A NOTE TO MY YOUNGER SELF!

Lord knows I'd have tons to say, but I wouldn't have a clue as where to begin. For starters, I'd need to convince myself to forgive myself. I'm learning everyday, if you can't find it in your heart to forgive yourself, then you can't forgive others. FORGIVNESS starts with LOVE! You must be taught to love yourself first, before you can truly love someone else. You must be loved if you want to learn how to love others and someone has to love you from conception in order for you to experience love from the start.
In church, my pastor used to preach about babies feeling "rejection from the womb," and it took me years to understand what he meant, but now I get it. See, a woman can become pregnant and not want that child. Now two things or maybe three can happen: an abortion, an adoption, or the latter is a mistreated child. Usually in the case of most African American mother's, the latter was more prevalent, especially when I was growing up. Bringing me to the title of this post. "If I could write a note to my younger self, the two words I'd write to myself would be "LOVE YOURSELF!" I realize now, that I hadn't loved myself enough and when my mother would try to tell me I was SELFISH, I fought so HARD to prove her wrong. But I shouldn't have! I think I should have been loved by her from conception, but I wasn't. I think she should have doted on me as her firstborn, but...she didn't. I think she should have taught me how to love myself, but she never tried. In fact, she was too busy probably regretting her decision to have a baby. My mother was young when I was born and I don't think she cared too much for my father and I can see why. Don't get me wrong, my Dad is a trip, he is funny and he has given me some good advice over the years (when we speak), but he wasn't like my Grandfather. He was young and in college at Georgia State on a football scholarship when he left my mother here in New York, because she didn't want to be married at eighteen. Which I don't blame her! So at forty three years old, separated from my first husband, with four children and a relationship of convenience, I realized if I loved myself a little more-the decisions I've made in my life would've been different. If my mother loved me the way she should've, we would've built a bond of trust. If felt if she didn't see me as selfish, it would make her love me more. And that caused me to put others and their feelings before myself and my own feelings. If she allowed me to avail my "selfish" ways, and maybe I would be married to a man I really loved or maybe not married at all, because "I'D BE TOO BUSY LOVING MYSELF!" Yes, I am vain and I seem of a certain "character" to some people. But it is because of my life's experiences. There is only so much to tolerate from anyone and find it amazing people really think they know me or how I think and just because I haven't abandoned my arrangement; I've lost my "MOJO!" Naaaahhh, sometimes, you just have to stay the course, until God sees fit to rearrange the mistakes your YOUNG SELF HAS MADE! So Yeah, if I had to write myself that note, it would be LOVE YOURSELF, NO MATTER WHO DOESN'T OR CAN'T... THEY DON'T MATTER ANYWAY!

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