John P Kee & New Community Choir - I Surrender

 

When you get tired of the FIGHT...GIVE IT TO GOD!!! I used to listen to this song with Mommy  years ago and I've ALWAYS LOVED THIS SONG & it's been on my HEART ALL DAY!

I am just praying GOD WORK OUT MY LIFE THE WAY HE SEES FIT...TAKE THE REIGNS SO I CAN BE FREE...

Surrendering All

I'm trying. I really and truly am! To surrender all things to God. Because I know he is the author and finisher of my FAITH. It's been HARD though, especially after suffering many disappointments in life. Watching Mommy dedicate her life to God and church, only for her faith to be questioned in the end. Me witnessing her suffering is enough to question everything about FAITH IN GOD. I believe in God and I KNOW THERE IS A GOD, but I wonder if he even cares about certain people or does he have his FAVORITES? They say we shouldn't question God, but doesn't he already know what you're thinking before you say it? Well, since I figure he knows a thought before it comes to mind, I might as well ask him. I know he respects my honesty and candor. Maybe that's why I am spared the full extent of his WRATH at times. I know he has a special place in my heart and although I'm not following him as I should; I know he still must love me. Because he intercedes and intercepts many of the devil's plans for destruction in my life and I need to APPRECIATE that. Display a level of GRATEFULNESS so he can BLESS me more. But some times, it gets HARD! Because I feel I've given myself away to some degree, to people who don't deserve me or my time. This walk is not an easy walk and the things I've experienced, makes me question God. I often tell him why I am asking questions and I believe he knows my heart, so he just winks at my ignorance.

What really toppled my FAITH was the experiences I've had over the course of my life and it makes me afraid of the future. They say God already knows the path your life will take and what you go through is already written. Which scares me because, things haven't been so good these last couple of years and if it's like this; I don't want to deal with an uncertain future.

People say you have to step out on FAITH! What's that? I've been through the wrecking ball thing and my life seems like it's in shambles. Currently, I think I'm spending more time rebuilding and restructuring the bricks of my life, than enjoying the fruits of my labor.

I just want to enjoy my life and move on to better things. It's funny how I can give the best advice, but can't seem to make my own way at times. Learning to lean on God and Trust him is the best thing I can do, I just need to get there...hopefully day I will.

When the "WHOO HAA" Doesn't Work...Try Some PASSION!!!

The one thing you need in a relationship is passion. It took me many years to realize this. I think there are three great loves in a person's life and I already have met two of mines. Now I am bored out of my mind and missing that passion from my life.

I saw an episode of LHHNY, with K. Michelle complaining of her "WHOO HAA" not working and I could definitely relate! Hers was because of one particular dude she loved, they broke up all the feeling down there went; and the only way she could become aroused with men, is if she had a drink! Mines began a long time ago and sex became a task. See the passion was never there to begin with and as time went by in our relationship, I realized how "UN-IN-LOVE" I really was.

For a long time I was just settling. Settling for many reasons I care not to discuss. But before I even met Lucas, I'd been celibate for five years! Because of all the things I'd gone through, I needed some alone time in my life...I was making too many mistakes, FAR TOO MANY and I knew it was time to settle down. Only it was time for me to settle down with Zanee' and get to know her, before I got to know anyone else.

Mommy used to tell me, "You have no patience Zanee'!" I knew she was right, but didn't know how to fix it or pray about it. So waiting on God to send me who he thought I should have would be a task in itself, so I threw the towel in and settled!

Settled for someone who began our relationship with a lie and has ended it with one. Settled for someone who wasn't on my level at all; someone I had to teach and bring up to my level. It's nice to meet someone and begin a "relationship," but if there's no passion and you're embarking on a relationship for all the wrong reasons, passion will never exist. 

Thirteen years later, I AM BORED TO DEATH and like K. Michelle; the WHOO HAA AIN'T WORKING! Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, I NEED SOME PASSION IN MY LIFE!!! The question is, was all this ever worth it? I am bored out of my mind and need some excitement. It's funny how men think you're supposed to feel the same way after years of nonsense, I think not and just like you found time to do you...I will eventually do me.

No sense in wishing and talking about the past. I am looking towards the future and I KNOW SOMEONE IS COMING, I DON'T KNOW WHO OR WHEN, BUT I KNOW HE'S COMING! About three years ago, I really thought I couldn't become sexually aroused, and that it (MY WHOO HAA) really didn't want to work at all. One day that changed...I won't get into the dynamics, but let's just say the CHEMISTRY, THE HEAT AND KISS WE SHARED WAS FIYAAHHHHH!!! And guess what? MY WHOO HAA DOES WORK! Now if I could only find someone to work that MAGIC on me again. If we only shared a kiss and the scent of him "WOKE IT UP," I NEED TO MEET SOMEONE LIKE THAT AGAIN!!!

 

Recently, I had an unfortunate experience with this situation. I always had my doubts about men, because I never trusted them much. However, I did respect the ones who "secretly" did "dirt," provided for their families and still accommodated their wives. As treacherous as this appears, it always made sense to me. What NEVER made sense was the debauchery and deceitfulness involved with CHEATING!
I think I am more upset about women who don't know their place and how to act towards someone's fiancé, girlfriend or wife. Especially if you know they are in a relationship or living together. There are rules to this game and you should make a conscious effort to follow them. I was very accommodating to Lucas and his so called "FRIEND!" I've always been down to earth and understanding, never the jealous type. I always felt it was a waste of time to hate a man's ex, for what? He had a life before you and you had one before him. The one thing I hated about my ex-husband was his jealousy and over reaction towards my male friends; because I NEVER acted that way with the mother of his children or the girl I knew he LOVED. I allowed them to call my house when we were married, because his children were a priority to me and the mother of those boys needed to be able to reach him at ALL TIMES! Besides that, she was really a beautiful girl and I LOVED HER SONS! His ex-girlfriend was someone I knew he TRULY LOVED and I'd NEVER DENY THEM THEIR FRIENDSHIP, especially since I knew I'd married him out of revenge.
When they (his ex's) called, the one thing I respected is the friendship we all shared. They called, we said our Hello's and I passed him the phone, leaving the room...so they could talk. We all respected each other and the boundaries were set, basically we respected the "GAME!" Looking back, I remember being friends with both families of the two most important women in my ex-husband's life. The world is small, I met many of them by chance and just knowing every damn body. We all got along, even his first love's sister was someone I attended beauty school with and considered a very good friend. She was older than us, but she was sweet and we were very close. Hell...she's the person who taught me how to master finger waves! Everyone kept it a buck, so we had no time for sneaky, slithering, behind the back foolishness. Funny thing, my ex-husband didn't share the liberal views towards my male "FRIENDS!" He acted real stand offish with my Home Boys and always accused me of cheating on him! Which is why all this nonsense with Lucas makes me disgusted and sick to my stomach.
Disgusted because, I am not the girl who acts out unless I am provoked and it seems Lucas and his "FRIEND" don't seem to understand the magnitude of the TRANSGRESSION committed against me. Don't lie and proclaim you grew up with someone, while you sneak around to conversate for years; pretending you guys are just good "FRIENDS," and you're sleeping together. Sleeping together as "FRIENDS" having UNPROTECTED SEX, until a BABY comes out of it and she wants RESPECT, ACCEPTANCE & VALIDATION! Is she SERIOUS? She did the one thing you NEVER do, try to make her presence in his life known and you are well aware of the circumstances. A word of advice ladies: If you want to sleep with someone's man, NEVER find yourself speaking to them on ANY LEVEL...In fact, LEAVE THEM ALONE! I have had the luxury of answering the cell phone when she'd call, seeing their texts and in this day of social media (on Face Book) she sees I'm friends with people in his family and begins to like my comments! NO NO...STAY AWAY! Your intentions are him and let it be that, and stay under the radar. What would be best is not to incriminate yourself on any level, yet she turns around and FRIEND REQUESTS me!
Do you see the madness? I've even told this broad I suspected something and I knew they were sleeping together and to just LEAVE ME ALONE & ENJOY HIM! Your focus is not to befriend a girlfriend, fiancé or wife. If possible STAY AWAY...Who knows what was being said to her, she should have sense enough not to try to befriend me, PERIOD! Many people told me this whole debacle was my fault, but I gave Lucas the benefit of the doubt, because that's who I am and he betrayed me. Some people told me to work it out, see how I feel in a year... Well? I am not too enthused and not only have I moved on mentally, I realized many things. The most important thing I realized is; lying is really detrimental to everyone involved. What amazes me is how men don't realize when to hold em' and when to fold em'! When you've screwed up a relationship you were in, for the "FRIEND" you have...ALL BETS ARE OFF and it's just a matter of time before you're put out  to the '"GREENER PASTURE!" Because the woman you betrayed, is booking ahead with a "FRIEND" of hers and it won't feel so good to you when she finds comfort in the arms of her new "FRIEND!"
 

ANTI-SOCIAL??? NO...DON'T TAKE MY WAYS SO PERSONAL!!!

When I was younger I was all over the place! I knew everybody and everybody knew me. My mother often shook her head, phone call after phone call when I was teenager. There were times she got so angry with people constantly calling, she shut the phones down. You couldn't call before twelve and if she didn't like you, she told you and why! Back then I thought she was being insensitive and mean. But it was pure insight, wisdom and clairvoyance; three things I LONG FOR NOW IN MY LIFE, along with PATIENCE and RESTORAL OF FAITH.

Over the years, I've had some disheartening experiences with some of the same "FRIENDS" Mommy didn't like. And when I'd come to her with my concerns, questions or complaints, her answer was simple: "YOU FOOL WITH TOO MANY PEOPLE FOR ME, ALL YOU NEED ZANEE' IS ONE OR TWO GOOD FRIENDS...THAT"S IT!" As an adolescent, you really don't understand those things, popularity is important to kids and their development. It's how we find our place in life. We make lots mistakes during those times, but life is a learning experience.

It wasn't until I got older, and realized what people really thought of me, did I began to change. Subconsciously, my patience dwindled because of lies, betrayal and just plain ole' dishonesty. My mother told me, I was more loyal to people than they were to me. It took years for me to see, but she was right.

So now, because of years of betrayal and dishonesty...I distance myself from people. If I feel your friendship isn't reciprocated or requited, I'm out...PERIOD! I will never disrespect you, discuss you or malign your character to your enemies, but you will realize the CHILL and mines is like a VORTEX. When I'm done, I'm done. There will be no breaking of bread over drinks and dinner, we won't go shopping together any more and I sure won't be seen "flickin" it up with you on any social networks. I begin to shy away from people when they do something real foul. What's sad is, I'll never tell you what've done, no matter what it is. You will just spend your life trying to figure out why I am so "ANTI-YOU!" I am not ANTI SOCIAL, I've become ANTI PEOPLE! Because people are often  narcissistic, selfish, shallow, fake and full of crap. Nobody says what they mean or means what they say. Give people the opportunity to be in your presence and I guarantee you, they are there with angle and you will be betrayed. Because of that, I don't socialize much at all. Folks cannot be trusted. Women are always trying to get in your personal space, in your business or put their foot under your table. Me, I do none of that...in fact, I barely want to be bothered or have company.

Men, hang around, because they want to sleep with you and think there might be a chance...NOT IN HELL! So I don't like keeping men as "FRIENDS" anymore because they just want to screw. A close male friend of mines, came to visit me after ten years; I met him through my first love and he has always secretly had feelings or a lil cute crush, which I IGNORED! But why I'm upset is, he visits me, we sit laugh and talk; Lucas comes in and he leaves. Only to call me and say "YOU KNOW I'VE BEEN IN LOVE WITH YOU FOR YEARS, EVER SINCE I MET YOU!" My response was, "REALLY?"As if I didn't know, I knew...but he dated my friend and I don't do mess like that & he was introduced to me by my first love!

Why do I mention him? Because he stopped calling cold turkey. No warning, no arguments, just drops off the face of the earth, because I don't feel the same way? Then you are not really my friend, you're just hanging around for the fishes and the loaves and I have none to give you! Now, I just don't trust anyone and with good reason. My trustworthy partner is God! He wakes me up in the morning and works things out for me in many ways. I may not understand his thinking, but at least HE is CONSISTENT! People are not consistent and very "fair weather," they lie constantly and only want a friendship when it's convenient or beneficial to them.

Disappointment has caused me to SHUT DOWN! Not fitting into "THE BOX" people think you ought to fit in, causes you to SHUT DOWN...Because I don't comply, conform and agree with a lot of bullshit, I'm the one who's CRAZY and has ISSUES! With that being said, I decided to keep these broads at bay and men too. I find I am happier and content this way. My mother became MY BESTFRIEND and I guess that's why I'm having such a hard time accepting her death, because I refuse to make any real NEW FRIENDS, because people cannot be TRUSTED! It's always something with us as young old heads and I can't do the friend thing! If I haven't known you ten years and better...you are in trouble and I'm unapologetic. Don't take it personal, I'm just protecting myself and my own interest and I'm in survival mode, I have to be...because that's the only way to be.

Now a days, I spend more time on the phone with older people in their sixties and better. They don't have time for dumb shit and foolishness. They entertain you with stories of their youth and I admire their knowledge. Folks my age, LOVE NONSENSE and I AM TOO TRAUMATIZED FOR DRAMA! Maybe I am ANTI SOCIAL, but it's what's best for me and not you...that's why IT'S MY LIFE AND NOT YOURS! Don't take it personal, I'M JUST ANTI- PEOPLE!

 

A NOTE TO MY YOUNGER SELF!

Lord knows I'd have tons to say, but I wouldn't have a clue as where to begin. For starters, I'd need to convince myself to forgive myself. I'm learning everyday, if you can't find it in your heart to forgive yourself, then you can't forgive others. FORGIVNESS starts with LOVE! You must be taught to love yourself first, before you can truly love someone else. You must be loved if you want to learn how to love others and someone has to love you from conception in order for you to experience love from the start.
In church, my pastor used to preach about babies feeling "rejection from the womb," and it took me years to understand what he meant, but now I get it. See, a woman can become pregnant and not want that child. Now two things or maybe three can happen: an abortion, an adoption, or the latter is a mistreated child. Usually in the case of most African American mother's, the latter was more prevalent, especially when I was growing up. Bringing me to the title of this post. "If I could write a note to my younger self, the two words I'd write to myself would be "LOVE YOURSELF!" I realize now, that I hadn't loved myself enough and when my mother would try to tell me I was SELFISH, I fought so HARD to prove her wrong. But I shouldn't have! I think I should have been loved by her from conception, but I wasn't. I think she should have doted on me as her firstborn, but...she didn't. I think she should have taught me how to love myself, but she never tried. In fact, she was too busy probably regretting her decision to have a baby. My mother was young when I was born and I don't think she cared too much for my father and I can see why. Don't get me wrong, my Dad is a trip, he is funny and he has given me some good advice over the years (when we speak), but he wasn't like my Grandfather. He was young and in college at Georgia State on a football scholarship when he left my mother here in New York, because she didn't want to be married at eighteen. Which I don't blame her! So at forty three years old, separated from my first husband, with four children and a relationship of convenience, I realized if I loved myself a little more-the decisions I've made in my life would've been different. If my mother loved me the way she should've, we would've built a bond of trust. If felt if she didn't see me as selfish, it would make her love me more. And that caused me to put others and their feelings before myself and my own feelings. If she allowed me to avail my "selfish" ways, and maybe I would be married to a man I really loved or maybe not married at all, because "I'D BE TOO BUSY LOVING MYSELF!" Yes, I am vain and I seem of a certain "character" to some people. But it is because of my life's experiences. There is only so much to tolerate from anyone and find it amazing people really think they know me or how I think and just because I haven't abandoned my arrangement; I've lost my "MOJO!" Naaaahhh, sometimes, you just have to stay the course, until God sees fit to rearrange the mistakes your YOUNG SELF HAS MADE! So Yeah, if I had to write myself that note, it would be LOVE YOURSELF, NO MATTER WHO DOESN'T OR CAN'T... THEY DON'T MATTER ANYWAY!

FORGIVENESS IS HARD...

Forgiveness is HARD & not one of my positive traits, especially in relationships and with certain people. The other day I made a mental list of people in my life who I've had ought with and wondered; "Why is it I can forgive some people and have a hard time forgiving others?"

As a child, I was so resilient and carefree when it came down to ironing out beefs and problems. In High School, my friends knew me as wise, fair and having a King Solomon process of thought. If you are biblically versed, you would know King Solomon was a very wise King. If people had beef, I was definitely the peace maker, but could be WILD AND QUICK TO THROW A PUNCH! But only if it were necessary. In my experiences with females, ninety percent of the time, they fight over stupid things... JEALOUSY OR A MAN! Basically, I'm saying all this to say I've always found ways for other people to mend fences and become friends again. What happened to me? I used to be full of compassion back then and only if I felt a direct violation or disrespect, would I "charge" you.

When I was younger, I had a few bad experiences that changed my life forever. One of them was my first and only love having a baby with another girl and NEVER apologizing for it. Not even trying to explain what happened and lying to me...telling me "I'd NEVER HURT YOU LIKE THAT!" This was two months before this child was born and four months before I found out he'd lied. Funny thing is, it took me years to forgive him and in the process, I BETRAYED HIM out of anger and MARRIED HIS BESTFRIEND! It wasn't right, but I felt if you can be cocky and arrogant about my feelings, it's now time for me to return the "FAVOR" and  EMBARASS you!

When you're young, you do dumb things. Which caused my mother to continuously remind me "Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord!" I realized this later, when I regretted taking my revenge that far. Eventually and with time I forgave him. It was easy and I wondered why. Then it came to me one day after Mommy died, only when you truly love someone can you forgive them. If you don't love them, it's REALLY HARD and I DO MEAN DIFFICULT.

How fair it is, I can't say! But with each passing day, I wonder why I can't forgive some of the thing's people do; and it is because LOVE DOESN'T EXIST THERE and I'm just going through the motions. I think the only way to heal and forgive someone, is if you're not looking at them everyday.

I have lots to work on and I just want to go back to that innocent, compassionate young girl! 

I DON'T NEED A JUDGE OR A JURY...THANKS I'M FINE!!!!

During the course of my life, I have thought about this quote many times. Whatever happens to you as a child or teenager will affect you for the rest of your life. If you have had a traumatic experience as a young adult, you will experiece the same result.

I have always been temperamental and loud. That's just me, that's who I am and I'm not going to change, unless it's by some act of God. I fought a lot in school and I mean a lot. Not with girls either, it was always with boys, later I realized it was because my grandparents used to fight. They'd get drunk and go in on each other! I hated the fact my grandmother always had to two piece my grandfather and one time she even had to beat up HIS MOTHER, because she stayed out of pocket. So I because I saw so much, I just didn't take any nonsense off of men. I grew up watching men in the streets beating the living daylights out of women and I wanted to get a gun and blow their heads off. I really hate to see a man yell at a woman, curse at her, berate her or abuse her in anyway; it literally makes my blood boil!

My mother never had to defend herself, my father wasn't a violent man. But he had some issues with women and infidelity. By then, Mommy was in church and not busting out the windows on his car anymore, YES... she was a changed woman. Me??? Never did fancy my father's "overfriendly" demeanor toward these ugly ass heifers, so I was mean to them if I saw them in the streets. It was as if I had a sixth sense to who had parted the sheets with my father and I was gunning for you after that.

After awhile, I realized I was making Mommy tired and had to just stop "acting out" so I did.

Of course, I get married and my husband doesn't realize he's married a WILD CHILD...well he found out and quick too!!! Man we fought like men and I mean knuckling up too, even when I was pregnant, I'd square up with him.

By the time I was about six months pregnant, I realized that I couldn't bring my daughter into that type of environment and left. My ex respects me though, and when I saw him one day, as we reminisced on old times, he laughed and called me "CRAZY AS HELL!" Because even he realized something was terribly wrong in my head. This was a man who was a Gun Busser and had a mean knuckle game in the streets...he was nothing to be played with. But those years of marriage to him taught me so much and I decided I'd never act like that way again.

So why am I feeling as if I am reverting back to the old me? I have no clue, but I sure don't need a judge either. So for all you folks who don't take the time to realize why people act the way they do, begin your research. Sit down, talk to them...not at them and listen! You just might learn something about character and why people behave the way they do.

For quite sometime now, I've been wondering if I should switch my Master's Degree track from School Counselor to Marriage Counseling. The experiences I've had are mind blowing and reminds me of the Heat Wave hit "Mind Blowing Decisions!" I've been wondering what makes people make some of the stupidest decisions in their relationships or lives, that causes ship wreck. Especially when it comes to a person that is hardly worth the time of day. I often encourage people to think about what's important in relationships to them. There's no such thing as a middle ground. You may think you're taking a few folks along for the ride or that you're hurting someone...but you will be the loser at the end of the day.

I do believe in the institution of MARRIAGE & I RESPECT THE BOUNDARIES OF MARRIAGE! Today, it just seems people have no clue or don't even care to respect boundaries. I know an older woman in her seventies who told me she has been a side piece for forty years! Are you kidding me? NEVER WOULD I DREAM OF BEING NUMBER TWO FOR THAT LONG! Yet she seems content and alright with being in this situation. This woman even knows and speaks to the WIFE of this MAN! But while you've lived in the same raggedy, shambled, decrepit apartment; his wife resides in the suburbs of Long Island in an affluent community. While she has the luxury of comfort, you deal with rodents, bed bugs and roaches. When you need a couple of dollars to just get by...he has the audacity to tell you he has mortgage to pay and has no money for you! WOW!!! If cheap lays were money, she'd be a MILLIONAIRE.

As I sit and intently listen to this woman, I am mortified she would settle for less her entire life. I would never want to live that way. When do you go out for a nice sit down dinner or a play or just go shopping together? Are you at least friends? Does he buy you gifts? Send you flowers?

If none of this is being done, minus the money...YOU ARE A CHEAP LAY! Women are really stupid today. There used be a time, when there were "KEPT WOMEN." Which means, he cared enough about your well being; emotionally, sexually, physically and FINANCIALLY!  Call me a prostitute if you want, but I'm not selling out for a CHEAP SCREW ON AN EMPTY STOMACH & CAN'T GET A BILL PAID...BYE & DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT!

I just can't deal with the stupidity of people. I watched my mother deal with my father's infidelity and I threatened a woman who once spoke to her, but "fell" into an affair with my father. All of a sudden she "changed!" We were in the supermarket where this ratchet, poor ass, classless chick worked and Mommy spoke to her. Her response was real short & stank. Me...being a teenager and WILD AS A TASMANIAN DEVIL, jumped right at her and cursed her ass out ROYALLY! This broad had the nerve to tell my father and my wicked response to his philandering ass was " YOU MUST BE CRAZY, I WILL GO UP THERE & KICK HER ASS TO SPITE YOU IF SHE EVER DISRESPECTS MY MOTHER AGAIN...AND YOU AINT GON' DO SHIT...BUT WATCH!" See my whole family thinks I'm K.Michelle, Chrissy Lampkin and Tami Roman CRAZY! I had at least a few friends or family members refer to me as one of these women, because I was off the hook back then.

At the end of the day...BETRAYAL IS HARD; if your marriage is worth keeping, do what you can to keep it. Unlike a relationship, there are no vows, so no harm no foul. But...there still ought to be BOUNDARIES & LEVELS OR RESPECT! Don't bring TRASH TO THE  DOOR STEP OF ANOTHER WOMAN & EXPECT TO BE WELCOMED IN...

ED ROBINSON - KNOCKIN' ON HEAVEN'S DOOR

This song reminds me of a journey God allows to end in peace. After all the yelling, screaming, fussing & fighting...you get older and realize none of it was worth the stress or time. I am at the point in my life where I just want peace, quietness and happiness. Momma take these guns off me...I can't shoot them anymore!