MY LIFE UNDER CONSTRUCTION...

I am working on many projects. Multi-tasking is what one might call it. Taking on this Blog, trying to pen a memoir about the tumultuous relationship between Mothers and daughters and trying to finish school. Honestly, school is priority on my list of "to do" projects. Do I want to finally finish my Master's Degree? Yes! But I honestly don't feel fulfilled, finding peace within myself and clarity in my life is what I want. I've grown tired of people, excuses, deceit and nonsense. People are so dishonest, they lie to themselves and love it. Personally, I've grown tired of facetious folks and bullshit...so I keep to myself, wishing I were a rich recluse living in one of them luxurious hotels. In the summer, hit St. Tropez or the Amalfi Coast, Tahiti you know the Virgin Islands. Spring time in Paris is cliché', but I'd still be there. Most definitely London, so I can visit Harrods's Department store and drink Earl Grey Tea till it's coming out of my ears. And by the time the Fall hits, I'd be back in America staying in one of Trumps spots. Because there's nothing like NYC in the Fall and during the holidays. Unfortunately, I am common folk and I just have to live my life like a normal person. Go Figure!!!!

As of now, my life is definitely in disarray. There are days I don't know whether I'm coming or going and that's the truth. I write because it is therapeutic, not because I'm some great literary scholar. I write to deal...I write to heal! Some days I don't know if therapy works, all I know is the Xanax I take stops me from slapping the DOG SHIT out of people and my bouts with anxiety has taught me to STAY FAR AWAY FROM TRIGGER FOLKS! Trigger people are the ones who get on your nerves with a lot of DUMB SHIT! They say dumb shit, do dumb shit and act dumb as shit! So to keep a level of balance in my life I steer clear of people who stress me out and who I don't like. I never understood why people flip out and kill folks, now I do. I have a laundry list of people I'd like to deal with in some way. Killing them just wont suffice, that's too easy! Suffering is more like it...

I can't deal with a lot of silly shit and hate people who think a damn drink or drugs will solve their problems. You can guarantee they'll be there when you sober up or come down off your high, quote me on that one! So this is why I will not allow alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs to control my feelings. And if controlling my temper means staying by myself to meditate and be peaceful, then let me be me!  All I want is a better relationship with God, because I don't look at even him the same anymore. People say we shouldn't question God, yet we all do. Even if you don't realize it, subconsciously you do. See God knows every thought before you even think it, so if you don't say it out loud, you already thought about it! So I just go on and ask him, in my thoughts, out loud and in my prayers. In my heart, I think he respects my honesty and laughs at my sheer ignorance, because he's going to do what he wants anyway. I just wish he didn't take my life away from me, so I'm a little sore and I hate church or anything affiliated with the whole scene. I believe in God with all my heart, but I'm no religious FAKE FANATIC!  You gotta love the people you grew up with who outwardly expressed their hatred for our church and the people in it...now they're "INTO THE LORD!" I think they are full of CRAP! I'm not saying not to serve the Lord, because I think we all should, but I just think they are so phony.

You have people who constantly call on God and constantly do things to people that's down right offensive. I love people who are in church every time the doors are open, but they turn a blind eye to the right and wrong people close to them do. They talk about you to people you don't know and think they're going to make it into the pearly gates. I feel sorry for people like this, because before you die, you have to at least try and make things right with people you've hurt or offended in some way. My mother did this before she died. She had her reasons for disliking Lucas and told him to his face why! She was never one to pull punches, so when she said "You're not good enough for my daughter, you're not on her level and you don't have the means to accommodate her growth or wishes!" Not only was she right, her feelings were valid! My mother was so REAL she even had the BALLS to tell Lucas' father the same thing in a conversation and he agreed with where she was coming from! I doubt he liked her saying what was in her heart, but he RESPECTED it and that's the difference.

At the end of the day, each experience I share with you will wind up in a book or books. If I could sit my ass down and dedicate myself to my life's work. Cuz Lawd knows, I am suffering from ADHD! I don't proof read my blog until I am tired or after I realize I haven't done it at all...so bear with me people, I'm trying to get better.

Standing On The Crossroad of This Bridge...

I plan to stand on this bridge one day, real soon. I am going to buy me a padlock while I'm at it and dedicate my dreams of scouring every inch of Paris to Mommy. That was my dream, to spend my fortieth birthday in Paris eating French pastries and Macaroons and drinking tea...Mommy doesn't drink wine. Then we'd search the antique flea markets, perfumeries, vintage furniture shops and then all the high end luxury stores.
Paris seems like a dream now, a distant memory. I will go, but it will be without Mommy. My trip won't be the same without her, she was my BEST FRIEND and there is nothing I wanted more than to dine atop the Eiffel Tower with Mommy. Yeah I know Paris is for lovers, but anyway...my mother and I share LOVE of similar things. Fancy, Fancy, Fancy! She taught me how to dress, how to be an individual, not follow the crowd and develop a style all my own. Mommy was a classy woman and it was reflected in her taste. She was the quintessential Southern Belle; didn't speak above a certain tone, never yelled, screamed or lost her temper and could silence the most belligerent person with a look. It was she who told me I was too loud, crass and crude. I used to laugh at her a lot, but as I grew older I realized she was right...but it was my personality, I was embracing and I LOVE BEING ME!

I may not be as reserved as the average girl, because I am vivacious and full of life. Laughter is my medicine although I seem miserable to some, it is because I present my TRUE SELF TO PEOPLE I FEEL LIKE ARE TRUE TO ME! Kissing ass is not one of my attributes, I'm not going to play up to anyone for their approval, acceptance, or for them to "LIKE" me. If you cant take me as I am, you'll get nothing at all..."Mary J. Blige was on to something with that song!" As I get older, I realize my destiny has been compromised. By the choices I made in friends, men and even my family...Life has been no crystal stair and for much of my life I definitely viewed the world through rose colored glasses. After Mommy died, I had a mental break down and as 'OKAY" as I may seem, I'm not. The world and the people in it are cold and selfish. I feel like a paranoid schizophrenic half the time, because I don't trust anybody.

People seem to harbor resentment toward me, because I'm not as stupid as they think I am or want me to be. I've been giving the wrong people too much credit for too long. While they're doing nothing in my life, except stressing me out and getting mad because I no longer want to be bothered.

I just want to live my life, travel and see the world. There's no time in my life for meaningless conversation or nosey people; who just want to get in your business and stab you in the back. All I want to do is enjoy life and meet new people from different places. I am so over everyone and every thing...I want to lie across a glass floor and stare at exotic fish floating by under a bungalow in Bora Bora. Sit on the coasts of Amalfi and Capri, Italy drinking a lemon Bellini and eating fresh made pasta! Then hit St. Tropez and Monaco and shop till I drop at their prestigious boutiques and then sit on a bridge and soak up the sun. Hit Dubai and ride a camel and get sun burned in the hot desert sun. Roam through the most elite an expensive hotels and leave when I'm good and ready.

I even want to see St. Petersburg in Russia when it's freezing, so I can buy one of those huge Russian Fur Hats and a Sable fur coat; because it may be cheaper over there. Then when I'm done, I will jet set back to Santorini, Greece and eat fresh Baklava or Honey and yogurt with fruit. Sit on their coast line and eat fresh calamari!  London, Africa and so many other places are on my list; I just want an opportunity to go. We all have one life to live and I want to enjoy mine, minus people and strife!

Mary J. Blige - Take Me As I Am

 

This song needs no introduction...it is me as I am or nothing at all!

The Simplicity of Life...

I never asked for much, but I did want the things in life most women want; a husband, a family...but most of all A HOUSE! Well I got the husband, the wrong way, one I NEVER LOVED and it was destined to fail and it did. I have a family, but not the traditional family I was looking for. The house is another story...the jury's out on that one, because I'm still alive and want to believe if I pray hard enough, God might give me one.

It's not looking too great home the love front and that's fine with me. Maybe because I'm older and wiser, I wish I could have a house on my own and no I do not want to leave New York just to own a house. So I guess, I'll be staying here. I'm not a fan of the south at all, the only place I'd want to live is in Los Angeles. I have no desire to deal with inadvertent racism, I LOVE NEW YORK TOO MUCH!

When Lucas and I first met, I shared dreams of moving out to Long Island. I wanted my children to have a better life. There are places in Queens, I love as well and wouldn't mind living in Cambria Heights or Laurelton. But for now, I'll just keep quiet. The other day he had the nerve to say " I want to buy you a house!" my response was very curt " Nah, No Thank you...I don't want any ties to you and we're done!" Then it hit me, I guess that's what God means when he says obedience is better than sacrifice. Lucas thinks gifts can pass for a love that's REAL and TRUE! He thought by promising me things, I'd stay around...hopeful. He bought an engagement ring, after being together for ten years, that was enough...it wasn't. This is true because he never intended for us to marry and as my Mother used say "A ring ain't nothing but a license to lay up!" She was right, because two years after "the ill-fated engagement" he brings a new life into the world, with a girl I think he really needs to consider marrying.

My take on life is different these days. I can't bargain with God about anything else anymore...he didn't listen or maybe I didn't. But whatever the case, I just want to raise my last two children in a house, even if it's by myself-so I can be alone, HAPPY and CREATE SOME WONDERFUL MEMORIES and a LEGACY LIKE ALL THE WOMEN IN MY FAMILY HAVE DONE!



Trust Issues Part 2...Instincts

 

When my vibe doesn't take to a person, I'm hardly ever wrong. There is definitely a little voice in the back of my head screaming loudly, even while I talk to the person. While I try not to be standoffish or aloof, I can present myself as an overbearing, condescending loud mouth. When in reality, I only show that side to people I don't care for. I often joke of being a little off, but I am not crazy at all I am in possession of all my faculties and just don't like a lot of bullshit!
There's nothing like a people in the streets coming up to you wanting to forge a friendship and you might like them as a person, but you really don't like the people they associate with. Which is usually why I am reluctant to make new friends and even with my old comrades, I can be reserved and mistrusting. Especially if they begin to keep company with people I don't trust. Once I see them engage in certain behaviors, you can bet our phone calls will become far and in between. Don't ask me to come to parties or be around people I don't care for...it's as simple as that. I hate the fact women are some timey and phony toward each other. What irks me most is how they will know they don't care for a person, but hang out with the SAME girl they dislike!
After you sit and give me a laundry list of things this person has done, why are you hanging out with them? When I see the game, I'm out. Don't ask me shit about the person, especially if I don't know them, I'm not about to dignify you with  an answer, so you can go back discuss, remix and put your spin on some bullshit? Yeah, ok...miss me with that one!
Even men have become bitches in this respect. They will maliciously malign a girls character either because they won't sleep with them, they've slept with them or they want to sleep with them. Either way, why sit up and discuss the girl, yet you're up in her face every chance you get.
My biggest pet peeve with people is when they really don't know you, yet judge you by what they've heard or "think" they know! "YOU GOTTA LOVE THESE FOLKS!" Smiling in your face, and gathering behind your back to talk about you, to the same people they talk about. Sounds messy right? Sounds confusing don't it? Makes no sense? Yeah, you get my point then. Basically, what I'm saying is while your dumb ass sits there listening to all you can about the "HATED" party, don't be surprised, the "HATED" knows about you too...DUMB ASS! What about your family? Who see you go through what ever it is, but it doesn't affect them, so in all reality, they don't give a shit. They just want you to come around, so they can get in your business and discuss YOU later!
People amaze me for lack of better words and I just can't be bothered. If I even think you're talking about me, our conversations will be VERY SPARCE and you might not hear from me at all.
I just don't TRUST people, point blank. I don't care how you help them, they will betray you at some point. Most people call you crazy or paranoid, because you are on to them. I trust my INSTINCTS more NOW than ever before and will continue to do so. We are all given INSTINCTS, use them...they just might come in  handy one day!

 

 

HAVING COMPASSION WHEN NOTHING IS LEFT...

 

If there is one thing I do know about my heart, is that it is kind.

I was warm and caring and at one point FULL OF COMPASSION. Notice I said I was COMPASSIONATE, but experience has taught me some harsh lessons. Being understanding about many of my dealings with people I care about or love has been my down fall. I believe no one acts out without reason; for every action there is a reaction. Every single time I acted out of sorts it was for a reason. People always seem to judge people who behave erratically and I am one of those people who indulges in erratic behavior. Funny thing, my behavior is often misinterpreted for other things... like being crazy!

One thing I will admit to is being a little off my meds at times. I can be incorrigible, temperamental and just plain cantankerous. My friends used laugh and call me miserable. They'd call me talking to my answering machine and accusing me of being at home screening my calls, and were usually right! To be honest, sometimes I suffer from system overload...trying to process an abundance of information; my problems and other people's problems.

After many years of sitting on the phone, listening to people's problems, I decided enough was enough. The years I spent listening to everyone's problems held me back. I was so busy trying to save the world and deferring my dreams. At the end of the day, and one too many betrayals I realized it wasn't worth it. Half of these broads I hung out with and went to bat for, I don't even speak to. So confronting and beating up people they were too afraid to stand up to, got me where? Half of them needed them ass whippings and best believe if I could go back in time, I would re-write the ending to a lot of stories, quote me on it.

People have become so shallow and fake, it's ridiculous. Loyalty is a thing of the past and so it goes. Morals are non-existent and I won't touch on that...it doesn't add any more relevancy to this article so chuck it! Usually I try to understand people and their reaction to situations. If I don't understand, I basically derive my own synopsis of a person before I judge them. Today, I am all tapped out of understanding and compassion for people. My trust has goes from hanging on a thread to non-existent. The saddest thing in the world is having a big heart full of compassion; but what's even sadder is having a broken heart that wants to remain unscathed by the nonsense of others. Right now, I look at everyone in my life and question their motives. One major thing I can't get past with people is their ability to wrong you, time after time, never apologize and when you call them on their bullshit, you're crazy!

So Guess WHAT? I AM DONE!

Done being compassionate, done trusting, done believing and just plain DONE with people,from my past and present! There are people in my life, who have no clue as to how DONE I AM WITH THEM and that CIRCUMSTANCE KEEPS US ON INTERACTIVE TERMS. I'm not naming anyone but I will definitely say this, I enjoy my ability to abruptly dismiss people-especially men. No disrespect, but they do it to women with ease.

At the end of the day, I'm learning a compassionate heart doesn't get you anywhere. Being understanding helps to better deal with people, but being compromising allows them to take advantage of you. As I get older, I realize the good die young and yes nice people do finish last...in some respects. I guess RUTHLESS is the way to go, UNAPOLOGETIC and RELENTLESS sums it up. So for now, I will work on wisdom and more understanding. The funeral for compassion was a small one with a heart of burnt ashes as proof. My insides have become an Urn and it is there I nurse the memory of people and past experiences. Ashes of the past is what I call it and the hurt is a constant reminder of how shallow and full of crap people really are, even your family.

When I was younger, I sit up at night thinking about people and why they do the things they do. Now I go to sleep and dream about the crazy things people do, if I can sleep...cause I'm still a thinker and that will never change. Do I want peace, of course I do. Will I find it? I think I will, when I can remove certain people from my life forever. Peace is hard to acquire when you have the stressor living in your space and their lives have been so dysfunctional, they think your crazy for not wanting them around. Life is a bowl of lessons and experiences, I guess you're supposed to learn something from this walk, I'm not sure what...but in the meantime, I'll just pray for PEACE!

TRUST ISSUES...(Part l)

This about sums me up, as far as dealing with people; male or female. In the past, I think I've given people way more credit than they deserved. My mother's youngest daughter used to tell me "Why do you always think someone's out to get you?" Looking back, she was the exact person I should've been watching. Anyway, not to waste time on that...moving right along.

A couple of months ago I ran into an old crush, I'd met sixteen years ago. We said our hello's and went on; little did he know I found out he was married. Once that tad bit of information fell into my lap, I knew our formalities as "friends" were over. The girl code prevents me from befriending married men or men who live with their women. Experience taught me, even if he has a girlfriend, leave his ass alone...you don't need the headache!

What annoys me about this "Friend", is his dishonesty concerning his own wife. Have me excused or Pardon me, I thought when you married someone, the world should know. This is definitely not the case and because of his actions, I decided I'd given him way too much credit. Any time you can't tell people you're married, along with your Face Book and Instagram page reflecting the life of a single man "YOU ARE FULL OF SHIT...PERIOD!" And I feel sorry for your wife.

In reality, it took his ass twenty years and two children later to marry her and that's disgusting. Being the straightforward woman I am, I asked him "Why didn't you tell me you were married?" I thought you knew, was his response. By this time in my mind, I'm  thinking if I were her, I'd feel like I were his last resort. Because it's obvious, he is still doing the same bullshit he was doing when I met him at twenty nine!

My response was, I thought you'd respect our friendship enough to be real, cause I'd be the first to congratulate you. I never saw you as the dude who would lie or hide your marital status. #BOOM#  At this point, I just made him responsible for his actions, so now he has to come clean. I'm telling him, it's good you married her and I wish you well. What pisses me off with men, is how they try to lighten up the situation with nervous jokes. Because they've "LOST THEIR DAMN BALLS, AND YOU ARE HIP TO THEIR BULLSHIT!" Now the flirting begins  and I quickly end with, NO THANKS...YOUR WIFE'S FEELINGS ARE IMPORTANT TO ME!!!;* WINK!

Then it came to me, and I questioned myself "Am I getting soft? Slacking up on my game?" Yeah, and right then and there I said to myself, it's time to tighten it up and stop giving these men more credit than they deserve. Men get mad and upset when they know you're on to them, yet they leave you no choice but to think they're full of crap. I resent the fact, he's dated this woman for years, lived his life; while she sat home raising his children. And after all the years, women and mess, he decides to marry her? I wouldn't even want his ass...don't SETTLE for me! It's as if he knows she's going to be grateful he married her and she's thinking "I'm finally his wife... thinking she has a PRIZE!"

Sometimes you have to "THANK GOD" he PROTECTED you from these men...I KNOW I DO! When does it stop though? Even women, do you really think you're not going to pay the piper for the drama you cause in people's lives? And then these broads point fingers at other women and they are the main chicks a man needs to watch! You are the perfect example of the woman a man needs to stay away from! Dude even confided in me, telling me how many women have been "THROWING IT AT HIM" especially since he's gotten married! I said well "You ain't seen nothing yet, it's going to get harder and the temptation will be stronger!" The devil is busy and you need to BE CAREFUL, was my advice to him. I also added, "For the record, I ain't throwing nothing at you, I'm just asking you why you couldn't be honest about your marital status, because I don't like even talking to married men on a certain level!" Of course women are going to come at you, they love TROUBLE, but not me, so no worries...and with that, we signed off and I will not be talking to him, other than a Hello! Today, women think it's cute to find themselves as a side piece. I find that shit an insult! So no, I'm not impressed with KISSING YOUR ASS when your wife won't!  Women need to get that memo and get it quick. If you cause confusion, you will get confusion.When you can't take responsibility for wronging someone, you are one sad chick.

We all have choices to make in this life and I'm glad I have sense enough, to know when to hold em and when to fold em. Watching my mother deal with other women, made me decided I'd NEVER make my presence known to another girl, if the man is single. If he's married, I don't want to even talk and that's the truth...keep it movin son! What you put into the universe is what comes back and I had to learn that as well.

Fighting Temptations...He Still Loves Me

When Mommy was alive, everyone used to congregate at my house. One day the Fighting Temptations movie came on and throughout the movie we laughed and laughed til our stomachs were knotted. But when this song came on, my parents' whole mood changed and we were having church! There was singing, hands waving and a whole lot of emotion. I just sat there and watched them, feeling a sense of contentment and happiness. This was a year before Mommy died. They really don't watch television, so I allowed her to live vicariously through my vivid imagination and synapsis of t.v. shows.

But this song is my testimony too. Especially when I get to wondering why I'm still here, why some people I grew up with seem to have prospered more than I have and why they seem to have forgotten the "HELL WE ALL PUT OUR PARENTS THROUGH!" I often question God about these things. I was the voice of reason for many of my friends growing up. Yet, I was also the "blame" for supposedly "influencing" them to do "WRONG!" Growing up in the eighties, wasn't easy. You were definitely under scrutiny and pressure to follow the "in crowd."
 I had a mind of my own and I wasn't going to be ostracized or made to feel bad, because I didn't "fit into their perception" of what you think I should be. Because I didn't wear pants or run to every party in town, some of them really tried to make me feel as if I didn't belong. If any one should HOLLA about BULLYING, we all should've back then. Many of the people I went to school with were mean and condescending. If you had personality or a voice, they wanted to silence it; because "you didn't belong or fit in" to their cliques. Funny thing is, I only dealt with this abuse out in the Rockaways where I grew up. Any place else I went, I NEVER HAD TO GO THROUGH NONSENSE! And that's the truth.

It seemed like anyone who was 'different" had to deal with mean and harsh RIDICULE. But I didn't care and I was going to be me regardless. I didn't care whose clique I didn't fit in, as long as my voice was heard, I was gonna be me. Because of that, I had to fight a lot...and fight I did!

Sometimes it seems, like your not good enough for people if you don't fit into their perception of what they think you should be! WHAT EVER!!! 

During my coming of age years, I used to sit up at night, looking up at the stars and thinking. My mind was far more advanced than the average kid at twelve; I had heard too much and seen way too much! Most children who spend a lot of their time around grown people, mature faster and develop an adult thought process. It's what southerners refer to as having "an old soul," and I had one! While my peers were joking, playing and acting up, I would as well...but only in school. When I got home, I became the big sister, who was responsible for my brother and sister. By the time I was thirteen, I did everything but fry chicken. But I could clean, wash clothes, cook, shop and iron! Why? Because my mother taught me every thing I know.

People tend to sleep on you and many of the people I knew, slept on me. My mother taught me many things. And the one thing folks never realize about me...was while I may laugh and act up, but I am a "PEOPLE WATCHER!" Mommy taught me to watch, listen and think about the people I surround myself with. Evaluate every person who you come in contact with, don't be so free and comfortable with them. The older I get, the more I realize Mommy was right. People spend too much time looking for  acceptance and validation from people, not me! Ain't gon' do it, no way, no how...not yesterday, today or tomorrow. If no one else thinks I'm worthy I KNOW GOD DOES! I may fall short to folks on earth, but my loyalty and allegiance will NEVER be to anyone but GOD! I don't have to be anyone but me, when it comes to GOD, and I know he LOVES ME...I don't think anyone else can wake me up in the morning, protect me, give me what I need and keep a hedge around me! I feel like Job, in some respects, because my life has crumbled and fell apart. But I REFUSE TO CURSE GOD AND DIE! He has been TOO GOOD TO ME...I still have my questions and my why's. But one day it'll all make sense.