BROKEN DREAMS

This was once my dream, I waited with baited breath to plan the perfect wedding. I was in Love with Love ever since I was thirteen years old. I read Bride and Modern Bride magazines faithfully; had my colors picked out, the bouquet and I wanted my reception to be at The Glen Island Harbor Club up in New Rochelle!

I couldn't wait to celebrate with my Mom and family members. I waited my whole life for the "Ultimate Pink and Platinum Bridal Shower." I wanted so bad for my mother to be proud I'd found the right man for me! Because of that, I felt celibacy would help me become "in tune" with myself and what I wanted in my life. Sex is a major distraction for women and I felt, I needed time to "CLEANSE MY SOUL!" For five years I was celibate, dedicating my life to the children. Which I'd done after my son was born, because I felt God was trying to tell me something. I thought if I lived right in front of my children, God would FINALLY BLESS ME WITH A HALF WAY DECENT MAN... what a misnomer that turned out to be.

Mommy always told me I was selfish and lacked patience...I think she was right. Maybe I was doing things for the wrong reasons and with the wrong intentions. They say obedience is better than sacrifice, so I guess my sacrifices weren't enough. I guess being a good mother is not enough, working hard was not enough, keeping my children in private school wasn't enough, never taking a vacation was never enough, keeping my children clothed and fed could never be enough...would never be enough! Seeing later, my children betrayed me; I should've lived my own life, partied more, enjoyed myself more and not had any children at all.

For all the wrong reasons, I married at twenty one and was back home in no time. During the years my daughter was small, I managed to obtain my Bachelor's Degree and secure my first( post college education) job.  In the end I had a degree, and two small children to go along with the my new struggle. I decided after the second child, it was time to take inventory of my life and what it was.

After five years, I was bored out of my mind... I met Lucas. Why? I don't need to go into the details of him being a glorified "BOYFRIEND" that just won't do. He was fortunate enough to come into my life at a time, when I was DESPERATE and longing for LOVE. I was on the rebound from a guy I'd been crushing for about the same five years! Looking back, he was a good man. He let me down easy, never tried to sleep with me and told me he was going to marry his girlfriend! I was hurt, but my mother told me, "He cares for you, because he cared enough to leave you alone!" I didn't understand at the time, but Mommy was right. "Fast forward  through the death of my mom, me developing General Anxiety Disorder, having panic attacks, two kids who called ACS on me because I was trying to keep them from being GHETTO-FABULOUS, an affair and lies from a man I should have NEVER involved myself with and two more children, I am too overwhelmed to deal with any thing else. Talk about BROKEN DREAMS...I have plenty!

The moral of this post is, LET GOD HAVE HIS WAY IN YOUR LIFE! If he hasn't sent someone your way, take it as a sign, you're not ready. Get you together and WAIT ON THE LORD! I made the mistake of putting a TIME CONSTRAINT on when God should've found me LOVE...that's where I MADE MY MISTAKE!!!

My dreams are shattered, my thought process...different. How I see love and life is totally different. I should have remained single and with out children. Especially now since my mom is gone. Life definitely has taken on a different meaning. I want a "DO OVER" as Ghost Face would say! I'm waiting...I guess I'll just wait some more!