Feeling Safe....



The last time I felt a sense of safety was when I was married to my first husband. I was twenty-one and fearless because he was fearless!

Despite all the things we'd gone through one thing about my ex-husband was I ALWAYS FELT SAFE WITH HIM! He could be mean as SNAKE and kept the "HEAT" close. I never had to worry about anything whenever we were together, he had my back and I had his. We got together for all the wrong reasons, but one thing I could say about him, NOBODY CAME BEFORE ME! No broad, no chick, NOBODY! He made sure I was respected by everyone, even if we fought like cats and dogs, he didn't tolerate anyone else pissing me off, only he could do that. This man had two of the most handsome sons and I adored them and their Mom. Although she and I never really spoke, she was really a nice person and FABULOUS AS HELL!

Yet, even he made sure she respected me and I respected her. His first love and I knew each other well and she called the house whenever she wanted to...we all RESPECTED EACH OTHER and I was close with their families: both of the women in his life, who came before me.

Above all, I felt safe when I was with him. If I cried, it mattered. We'd sit and talk for hours about any and everything, nothing was off limits. I could confide in this man (only twenty four at the time) about my deepest darkest fears. Now that's what a man ought to provide for you, to be able sit and talk for hours. With my ex-husband it was if we needed each other, it was our therapy. He really protected me. If he saw something or felt someone did me wrong...he spoke on it, questioning everything. He always looked out for me in retrospect, he was jealous, but protective and guarded me with his life. Even if there were other women, I never knew it, unless it were by accident. He was a lot of things, but he protected my feelings and I appreciated the fact I didn't have to feel threatened if he went to see his sons or if his first love called my house. Without question, I NEVER FELT THREATENED in our relationship and when it was over...it was because I LEFT HIM. Not over infidelity and there was no mistaking his DEDICATION to me as his wife. Did he cheat? Probably, did I know...NEVER! And again let me say, he was too busy protecting me and my feelings to allow any dirt he was doing to be found out. On the strength of that, I know I will always RESPECT him.

In my life, I can only think of three men I felt "SAFE" around, I am not naming them out of respect and the fact the internet is a piece of work. But one of them was much older than me and the man I almost married and he was from Jamaica islands. The second was my ex-husband, the last person was a man I met through a friend in 1999 and that's all...til' this year!

Men really need to realize, a woman needs to feel safe around you and if she doesn't what's the point in even being dedicated to the relationship? Women want a man who makes them feel SAFE and SECURE, not a little bumbling ass fool who doesn't have the balls to stand up to people and PROFESS his LOVE for you. Not one who doesn't have the sense to be honest about WHERE HIS HEART STANDS AND WHY!

I pray for that safeness again. You can only pray for that dedication from a man and believe God will grant it. There are some guys you know from your initial meeting whether he's a protector or a clown. I can't speak for others, I can only speak for myself when I say I'm getting a familiar feeling of "SAFETY and SECURITY" let's just see if I'm right!

For the first time in thirteen years I feel like I'm going to be alright and I'm just excited about the possibility of what is going to be!

 

 

Thinking Bout You - All the Way Home!!!

Why is timing and life so complicated? Why do I have to realize after all these years I've NEVER given myself fully to a man? There has always been something inside holding me back, I never fully gave myself to anyone, but now I think I'm ready. There are too many reasons why I can't and I'm not happy about it.
I was alright until one hot day Downtown Brooklyn. I'd gone up to my school to take care of some business and decided to walk Court Street to buy me some frozen yogurt.
Out of no where, I can feel someone approaching me and of course I throw my hand up in disgust, because I NEVER want to be bothered with men and their cat calls, compliments and bull ish!
This time it was different. As alert as I am, I didn't even see him approaching me. My peripheral vision is on point. I can peep game a mile away and cross the street if a man's eye's linger on me longer than ten seconds. Because I don't have the desire to be bothered with a whole bunch of wasted lingo about nothing. Therefore I have the tendency to cut a ninja off at the neck before he starts with his rendition of "GAME!" Save it, cause I'm the "COACH" and I 've earned my stripes, go earn yours some where else.
Anyway, his approach was so different. Unlike any approach I'd ever seen in a long time.
First of all, I didn't even see him walk up to me, didn't peep him watching me from a distance, none of that. For the first time, I was totally caught off guard. Being me, I did my best to discourage him, but it didn't seem to phase him one bit. I was a little snippy and sarcastic, he didn't mind. I insulted him, referring to him as cute. He calmly looked me and told me I'm a lot of things, but you referring to me as "cute" isn't going to stop me from talking to you, so I'll be "cute" if you want me to be. No matter what I said, I couldn't shake him or break his constitution.
He has so many things most of these grown men lack today and that's patience! As much as I tried to discourage him, he kept walking with me, pursuing me relentlessly. After awhile I found him interesting and intriguing. I was so impressed that as young as he was, nothing I said seemed to rattle him. In fact, he had such a calmness and he was so centered. His demeanor was one of I have a lot of patience and you don't need to worry about me getting tired of your refusal, it's my motivation.
We sat and talked for a long time and not one time did he mention anything about sex. All he did was reiterate his desire to take me out to dinner, no matter how much I denied him, the more he said, "Let Me SHOW You!"
Right there I became interested. Most men are so shallow and these younger guys have more under the cap, than these old fools. I'm not kidding either. Every time I think about him, I wonder if it was fate for us to run into each other. Maybe it was.
I'm not into May December relationships, but I know one thing, it takes a lot for a man to get my attention and hold it...I get bored real easy and fast. Well I'm definitely impressed with my new friend and especially the fact he's not thirsty or running around like a dog in heat after my ass.
I knew this when he called me three weeks after our initial meeting.
I know a lot of old heads who need to take notes from these younger men. Because he definitely informed me, he was in no rush with me. Of course, because he has had his share of women, young and older...confessing to me he likes older women because they don't offer too much drama!
We definitely had a nice long talk and I found him to be mysterious and interesting enough to give my cell number to. Three weeks went by and from time to time I thought of him. One night he calls me from work, the number comes up ANONYMUS and I answer brashly. His calm centered demeanor affects me instantly, I calm down too, because I LOVE HIS VOICE! He was at work, "I just called to check up you and see how you were doing! We talked all of twenty minutes and hung up. Translation: I'm not going to let you forget me, I'm not ready for you yet, but you are a keeper! I smiled to myself and thought I mean something...sometimes that's all you need. To be able to leave an impression on a man that if he thought about "playing you" something about you changes his mind and he decides to keep you around. Be it as a friend and on reserve for the future, it's for the better. Patience is key and time is on my side! I have no idea where this might end up, but I know one thing, I feel safe and I haven't felt like that with a man in years. There's just something about him and I have a feeling we're going to become very good friends if nothing else. I just wish God would send me a HUSBAND I CAN FEEL SAFE WITH LIKE THAT!
How can you meet a man and feel such a connection so soon? I don't know what I feel, but I LOVE HOW CALM HE IS! I am a whirlwind of energy and I'm all over the place. I need someone who is calm, centered, strong and safe. He's all of those and then some. I can see the patience in him and there's something deep in those eyes, I don't know what but I want to find out.
Why does timing have to be so off?

Here's the thing. I am my own best friend and I like it that way. Ever since I was a little girl, I grew up thinking I wasn't good enough! For what I'm not sure, but I had some real self esteem issues.
Growing up in the Seventies, wasn't easy for us young black girls. In fact no era ever was. If you weren't light skinned, with long "good" hair...you were ugly! If you were overweight and a vision of 'Precious," you could forget about even being acknowledged!
In my opinion, I was average.  A red caramel complexion, dirty red hair, short and just plain average looking. And like other young girls, I longed to at least be light skinned. It wasn't till after I grew up, could I appreciate my exotic red skin and red hair. I didn't realize I was beautiful along.
Women are amazing and we are our own worse enemy. We judge each other by looks; the color of our skin, grade of our hair and what we wear. Petty girls, who grow up to become petty women. It took me years to feel as if I belonged where I grew up; yet whenever I went other places I made friends with every one and always received a WARM GENUINE WELCOME! If I were to honestly say I had a great childhood out in the Rockaways, I'd be lying. But if you ask me who accepted me for who I am, it would be my old friends from South Ozone Park, Long Island and Uptown in Harlem. I am totally not a fan of the shallow people I grew up with, well some of them.
So today, I am extremely cautious of the women I've once referred to as "friends." The ones who I've fought and gone to war for, have picked up with the very females who whipped their asses and now they're the best of friends. When I see this, I feel bad for even protecting them and getting into confrontations defending their honor. Now, instead of talking to who I've defended, I speak to the person I feel guilty defending these broads for. Why did I even take the time to defend a set of fake ass bitches who had no loyalty to themselves, let alone me? Now everyone wants to "pretend" they're "BESTIES," and wondering why you refuse to let them into our life and very personal space. Wondering why we can't go out to Breakfast, Brunch, Lunch...let alone Dinner? Really? Ask yourself why you should be trusted and I'm sure you still won't see your own mess! If I could turn back the hands of time I promise you I would've allowed a lot of these broads to get them ass whippins they deserved!
We know we can't go back in time now can we? But I do know this, I am MY OWN BESTIE and I REALLY DON'T TRUST WOMEN AT ALL...I am good being alone. Not competing with myself, my secrets stay my secrets and I have no petty jealousies to contend with! I am disgusted with the way women behave today and know people despise me because I am "standoffish and anti-social!"
During my latter twenties, Mommy became my BESTIE! I could count on her and TRUST HER WITH MY LIFE...I can't say the same about my "so called FRIENDS and ASSOCIATES!"
My mother always told me, "if you've got one good friend, you've got a good thing" and she was right! What's sad is my GOOD FRIEND IS DEAD and I know for a fact, I will NEVER have a friend like her again. With all I'm going through in my life, I hate to say it but, Lucas has been the only person I don't have to worry about discussing my business with people in the neighborhood or from my past...I guess he just tells my business to his current girlfriend or baby's momma! And that's fine with me. I don't know them and never will, so it doesn't matter. The sad part about my friendship with Lucas is his BETRAYAL, so who do you TRUST? GOD and BEN FRANKLIN, two people who will NEVER LET YOU DOWN! All I know is the broads I've known and grown up with have been the biggest disappointment to date...let alone the broads I've met in recent years. Who expect you to TRUST THEM and you haven't even known them long enough for them to BETRAY YOU and they have! Will I ever trust anyone again in this life? Only time will tell. But I can tell you one thing, LOYALTY IS EVERYTHING TO ME and once you've VIOLATED THAT TRUST I AM DONE WITH YOU! And let's just LEAVE IT AT THAT...