TRAIN UP A CHILD...PART ONE!

September 2010 is a year that will indelibly remain sketched in my mind . It was the day an Administration For Children's Services worker (unannounced) showed up at my door, because my mother's daughter concocted the most deviant scheme to take my children. How do you think you're equipped to take my children from me and you have no experience in raising children yourself?
You have a son who hit you back and he wasn't a year old and yet you're Dr. Spock with a PhD in child development? Where was I when this happened? Her mother law took her son so much, my mother mentioned the lack of involvement with her own child, telling her she needs to RAISE HER OWN SON and STOP PUSHING HIM OFF ON HIS GRANDMA BECAUSE YOU OR YOUR PERVERT OF A HUSBAND DIDN"T WANT TO RAISE YOUR OWN KID! Yet all of a sudden, you want to tell me how and when to discipline my children? No BITCH MIND YOUR BUSINESS! For five years I kept quiet about the situation, but as I began to spiral into a deep dissatisfaction with my life, I knew it was time for me to BLOW THE WHISTLE! So I can move on for real and FINALLY find some PEACE!

Growing up, Moms was tough and I'm glad she was. There was no such thing as hanging out, partying as a teen, running around with boys or acting like a fool. My mother just didn't tolerate that! My Brother never followed the trends in the streets. He had a job, went to college, joined the Army, got his Master's Degree, got married and has a house, kids and is successful! Pretty much I'd say my brother did ok, under my mother's "Hitler Regime!"  Katie ruled with an IRON FIST and would LAY YOU DOWN if you got out of pocket! I had a twelve o'clock curfew even in my twenties and I'M GLAD! Her methodology was "AINT NUTHIN NICE OUT IN THE STREETS FOR A GIRL AFTER TWELVE O'CLOCK and THE ONLY THING OPEN WILL BE YO' LEGS AND THE HOSPITAL! That was some sound judgment if I ever heard some and later on, I began to realize she was right. Before I turned sixteen, I began a slow transformation with my thought process-realizing I liked the restraints my mother put on me, they SAVED MY LIFE and KEPT ME SAFE. And I know I'm ALIVE TODAY BECAUSE OF THAT WOMAN!

Fast forward about fifteen years later. My mother passes in 2005, my two eldest were six and eleven years old. They were polite, well mannered children. Anyone in the streets could vouch for  my children having respect and manners, because I followed in Katie's footsteps. So when Mommy died, it was the hardest thing to lose my support system. See I didn't care about leaving my husband at six months pregnant, as long as my Moms was ok, I was unbothered. Whether he stayed around or not! Katie was my ROCK  and I didn't care if their fathers' were there or not! See, I don't run around with the "leave it to Beaver syndrome," acting like the world is a field of flowers, cause it's not. In real life, raising children is a struggle and children are not only a heritage of the Lord, but also an investment. God loans you your children and as parents we have to do the best we can to raise them right. To teach them right from wrong, instill morals and values within them and hope they will become successful. I was a single mother by choice. My kids went to private school and it was a struggle, but God made sure WE NEVER WENT WITH OUT! As a mother, I owed it to my children to provide stability and structure, something most chicks I grew up with, know nothing about! I never had men over my kids and Lucas is the only man my children knew as a "FATHER FIGURE!" I took a vow of celibacy after my eldest son was born. Because I didn't want different men around my children. I stayed celibate for FIVE YEARS and NEVER REGRETTED IT, MY CHILDREN CAME FIRST!

When my girlfriends planned trips abroad, I refused to go, until I took my children to Disney or Universal Studios. Today, my passport remains empty, because I am a mother and my life is on hold until I fulfill the dream of a Disney Vacation with Jaden and Cimaya! Unlike my sister and her selfish ass husband who had my nephew, and took a trip down to Disney without their son? Who does that? And my reputation or abilities as a mother is brought to question? Check yourself! Who has a newborn baby, comes home from the hospital, ( your firstborn) and leaves the baby with my mother for a few days, claiming she needs rest? This is your first child? Where is the excitement of it? Shouldn't you want to "BOND" with your first born? I know every baby I've given birth to, C-sections and all stayed in my arms, slept next to me in my bed until they were four and NEVER did I allow my mother to keep my NEWBORN FOR DAYS AFTER THEY WERE BORN! ARE YOU KIDDING? But yeah, you're a MOTHER?

After Mommy died, I kind of gave up. I had a breakdown. Slept all day, wouldn't answer my phone and the T.V. watched me. I drove to Mommy's grave almost every chance I got, just sit there and cry. As depressed as I was, I STILL TOOK CARE OF MY CHILDREN! My children ate home cooked meals, their clothes were clean, my house stayed clean and I gave them all I could along with rules. My daughter had to be home by a certain time from school. I didn't want no window period of time for her to get in trouble, she had 20 minutes to walk home from school and I wasn't playing either. She was a good kid, with a ninety eight average and could do calculus with her eyes closed. My son was a little more challenging. But, I straightened his ass out and he wasn't on a drug or in Special Education, but then you take my child and he ends up on several different medications and eventually, her dumb ass could no longer control him- she commits him to the CRAZY HOUSE! Not only that, her and the case worker on the case tell my son I don't want to speak to him which was a lie! A lie my son tells me about later....one of many.

The ACS case was a debacle to say the least, the accusations were out of control and unbelievable. First, I put my children on the street,  I abused them and then it was neglect, just lies! And being the mean spirited person I am, I told the ACS worker, Ms. Koppelman, who by the way had no kids-that she was a child and not my WHITE SAVIOR! Well, that infuriated her dumb ass and I refused to back down or kow tow to any of the accusations against me. This whole thing was planned to the moment. My own family was working against me and the morals and values we'd been taught. What Aunt allows their niece and her friends to congregate up at her house during a school day and not send them to school on time? When my daughter graduated, she had over 100 lateness marks! But I sent her out of my house early EVERYDAY!  But her aunt coddled her and her friends upstairs at her apartment in their foolishness.  All of a sudden, I was too STRICT! REALLY, YOU WERE A FAT ASS SNEAKY CHICK, DOING WAY TOO MUCH FOR ACCEPATANCE! Until I schooled your FAT ASS to the game and you're MARRIED TODAY, because I TAUGHT YOU HOW TO DEAL WITH A MAN! My mother had no time for her and her LIES, but I took time to nurture and tuck her under the wing...and this is the pay back I get? You let your husband take my kids to a stranger's house and follow ACS guides lines of 48 hours, call them and make a false report against me with my daughter's friends Mother. Who my sister didn't really know and that's why her daughter just had a baby recently! Hummph!

This is part one folks and I ain't done...It's time to EXPOSE a lot of people who sit back and smile in my face. The Bullshit stops today and I aint done!!! Enjoy, part two coming soon!

LET'S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT...

Lately I've been doing  a lot of thinking and amazingly I got an epiphany. Is it me or do people think you owe them something? Do people who've been dealt a certain hand in life, expect sympathy as a side order of entitlement. Why is it people who have more than you, always want a favor of some sort? And don't realize maybe you don't want to be bothered after all. All my life I have watched people act this way. Who or what started them on this path of "SELF ENTITLEMENT," is no mystery, but nonetheless people like this are the ULTIMATE PAIN IN THE ASS!

One thing my mother raised us not to do is think the world owes you anything! Don't knock on neighbors doors asking for sugar, milk or food. Don't wear other people's clothes, shoes and never borrow money from anyone, I don't care how BROKE you are, NEVER ASK ANYONE FOR MONEY! I've lived in my building for years and not one neighbor in here can say we've ever borrowed ANYTHING from anyone...WE WERE TOO PROUD! Mommy raised us that way, to have some DAMN DIGNITY ABOUT OURSELVES! People with the most, brag about having this and that, but they always NEED SOMETHING from the less fortunate.

Growing up, I never liked my friends asking to "BORROW" anything. Really? Have you no PRIDE or SELF WORTH where you don't mind "BORROWING OR WEARING OTHER PEOPLE'S SHIT? Are you serious? I THANK GOD FOR KATIE, YOU HEAR ME! My mother raised us with such a sense of PRIDE and HONOR for what we DO...whatever we BELIEVED IN!

This is why I stay alone. Because I don't want to be RESPONSIBLE for people, their ISSUES, WANTS, NEEDS OR PROBLEMS-I HAVE MY OWN and THAT"S ALL TO IT!

I desperately try not to be a burden or bothersome to people. I am scarce and believe in being alone ninety nine percent of the time. The one thing I don't want is new friends, it always leads to disappointment or better yet BETRAYAL!

The last thing I need is friendships based on what I can do for you. Because you can't do anything for me because I won't allow anyone to help me but so much. I REFUSE TO BE TALKED ABOUT! I've learned so much about WOMEN and their petty jealousies. My life is no Crystal Stair and things are quite RAGGEDY on the home front. But one thing I can say is Mommy taught me how to HOLD MY OWN and not LAY UP WITH A MAN WHO DOESN'T CARE ENOUGH TO GIVE SHIT ABOUT YOU! By the time I was thirty, I was done with "STREET NIGGA'S, and JAIL NIGGA'S! As a matter of fact I was twenty six, when I decided I needed to REVAMP my life. No way would I trek to Riker's Island, let alone ride a van upstate to visit a Nigga who'd come home to someone else. My ex husband gave me a sneak preview of that once and I decided after him...I wasn't even going to a COURT DATE for moral support! You got yourself in this mess and you're going get yourself out of it. I aint your Momma and I aint babysitting a grown ass man, smart enough to make the right decisions, but refuses to.

The same applies to my female friends and associates. I am so worn with nonsense, we are way too old for a lot of this nonsense and I am living with so much regret. Regret I can't seem to get from under. Regret knowing I was DESTINED FOR GREATNESS, living a life better than the one I'm living today. I am not supposed to be living in Far Rockaway, in a building and unhappy! Am I thankful for my small blessings? YOU BETTER BELIEVE I AM!

Because GOD HAS BLESSED SO MUCH I DON'T WANT FOR ANYTHING! HE BLESSES ME DAILY AND SUPPLIES MY EVERY NEED AND I AM SO GRATEFUL I DON'T HAVE TO ASK MY FRIENDS OR ASSOCIATES FOR ANYTHING! MY FAMILY LOOKS OUT FOR ME IF I NEED THEM, I DON'T HAVE TO BEG ANYONE FOR ANYTHING! Besides before I ask anyone for anything, I'LL DO WITHOUT IT! Especially, if my folks can't give it to me!

So people please do me a favor, count your blessings for they are many, the world is cold...but GOD IS GOOD and I'M THANKFUL I DON'T THINK ANYONE OWES ME ANYTHING!

Sam Smith - Stay With Me...

From the first time I heard this song, it touched my soul so deeply reminding me of the people in my life, I've loved and lost. This week Ms. Pat lost her husband and I was just so shook up, I couldn't bring myself to go to the funeral. Funerals are so final and I hate goodbyes! I broke down in tears in front of her, because I dreamt he was going to die two years ago. Just like I dreamt my Mother's death, felt my Grandmother's time was near and knew my Grandfather was dead, before Mommy could tell me. During my Aunt Alice Mae's last days, I had a feeling she'd die around the date of Mommy's passing and she did. My mother died October 15, 2005 and Auntie passed October 16, 2012!

Goodbyes are really hard for me and I don't know how to deal with never being able to see people again, it just breaks my heart. I know Ms. Pat was upset, but I just can't take grief at all.

My first real experience with death (at 15) was when my Grandmother died. I remember knowing she was dead before my Father answered the phone. After her funeral, the family convened at her house for the repass. I remember just sitting in her favorite chair under the phone, watching everybody laughing and talking-it was like slow motion...I was so DEVASTATED! I guess my cousin Nita saw I was really messed up and she took me for walk...I was never right again.

Twenty years later, Mommy took sick and died. I remember the night I told my Father Mommy was going to die. He just looked at me and appeared to pay me no mind. But I distinctively told him, "Just call me and start talking to me and I'll know!" That night I fell asleep with out Benadryl or Ambien, and around twelve o'clock I was roused to use the bathroom. It hit me then, I hadn't slept since March at night and the night she died, God put me soundly to sleep and Mommy woke me up to tell me she was leaving! When the phone rang, I just made small talk and asked my Father, "What time did she go?" He wasn't sure, but I bet he was wondering how I knew Mommy was going to die.

With each day turning into months and months turning into years, I just grieve and wish for the genuine LOVE of my family. The love I received from my FAMILY was unconditional and real.

People let you down, who you love NEVER LOVES YOU and so the story goes. If I could ask God for one thing, it would be more time, so the family members I lost could STAY WITH ME!

 

COUNTING MY BLESSINGS

God knows I am a complainer, I know I'm a complainer! But I think God winks at my ignorance, because deep down he knows I'll be thanking him about something later.

This weekend, I had enough time to sit and think. And for the first time in a long time instead of complaining, I began counting my blessings! In the midst of all the wrong, I couldn't help but find what's right in my life. First, I had to thank God for the serenity and peace of being at home along for fourth of July weekend. I woke up to what life was like in 2002...QUIETNESS! Even though I had two children, they usually were upstairs with Mommy or quietly watching television.

These two I have now, are NOISY as all get out and I don't possess the patience I had thirteen years ago. I absolutely HATE NOISY KIDS! I'm so sorry, I DON'T DO NOISE WELL AT ALL! So this holiday was a true blessing and I was at peace with my thoughts, sleep and God. I had to THANK THE LORD FOR A QUIET PLACE. It felt so good to wake up and leisurely shower, brush my teeth, get dressed and hit Mc Donald's for my cup of early morning Joe. I didn't have to fix breakfast, make sure teeth and faces were up to par or iron clothes, just in case I had to go out. It was just me...SELFISH LIL OL' ME and I was so HAPPY! Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, but I was too old, had gone through too much and was too tired to start all over again raising kids. So I have my moments where I wish I just had the two older ones, they took care of themselves after awhile.

One night, I sat on the phone with my friend til four o'clock in the morning. We talked as I cleaned out my kids clothes drawers. I consider him my gossip partner...we talk about EVERYTHING! After we hung up, I took a shower and hit the couch. By that time, the sun was on the horizon and I fell asleep! It was a beautiful weekend. The kids were with their Dad and his folks at the reunion, and I had such a PEACE these last couple days. By Sunday it hit me as I washed my dishes, that I really have a lot to be thankful for. And as I stood at the kitchen sink, I began to THANK GOD FOR EVERYTHING I COULD THINK OF! Despite all that's transpired in my life these last couple of years, I am forty three years old and look like a youngsta! I'm not sick, nor do I suffer with many of the ailments most women my age suffer with.

As stressed out as I get, I THANK GOD FOR TAKING CARE OF ME! I have a roof over my head, the Lord opens doors for me, when I least expect it. I have food in my house, my bills managed to be paid and I am not walking, unless I have to! I have clothes to wear, shoes on my feet and I LOOK GOOD! I don't need to drink, get high, smoke or run around acting a CORN ASS FOOL to make myself happy. I can sit in my house and just enjoy the solitude of quietness and PEACE! I'm sorry, but I was SO glad to be alone for the first time in a while. This holiday weekend made me realize (even more) what's important and what's not! It was confirmation for me that I really want to be alone for a while, so I can find myself again. Take some Yoga classes and just rearrange my entire life style. Eat even better than I'm eating, finally begin to meditate and just rid my life of toxic people and their NEGATIVE ENERGY!

At the end of the day, I don't need to sit at a barbecue when I'd rather be at home sleeping, writing or reading a book. I've become my Mother in so many ways. I don't like the drama affiliated with people. I made some potato salad for my friend and dropped it off to her, went to see my Aunt from Virginia in West Hempstead and came home to a hot shower and some sleep. It's not that I don't like barbecues or anything, I just feel so different about people. Lately, I've become guarded and hesitant to formulate friendships or even deal with my family or friends. I just need to get my life, I ain't got time to worry about any one else. Sometimes I wish I were a rich recluse. I'd disappear into the world of travel, never staying in one place too long. Leaving thousand dollar tips for struggling waitresses and wishing them well! Yes, I'd live the life projected in the movie "EAT, LOVE, PRAY!" I need to pray, so I can find MY WAY TO GOD! I don't like church, because people in church can be so fulla crap and I am DONE with people who call on God and do DIRT ON A REGULAR. It's a MOCKERY and I don't want be bothered.

So as I write this, I am just THANKFUL for the opportunity to realize a lot of things and PRAY for some DEFINITE CHANGES IN MY LIFE! Until then...THANK YOU GOD FOR ALLOWING ME TO BE ME!!!!

I Want To Dance With Him...All Night Long!!!

Every now and then, I get a song in my head-one that won't leave because it has some significance to it. This is one of my all time Mary Favz and the words are "REAL!" So listen and peep the subliminal side piece.

Me and this dude I grew up with used to fight like cats and dogs. I mean from grade school up, we just couldn't get along. He WAS SO DAMN MEAN and SO WAS I...so there,WE EVEN! As the years went by we'd see one another, hiss and straight MEAN MUG each other. I hadn't seen him around in years, but recently, I began catching glimpses of him in the neighborhood-riding by in a Haute Whip on the low. It's funny how you think you can't stand someone, but the one day you start talking and you can feel a sudden attraction, looking into each other's eyes!

Which is what happened one morning driving my kids to Jamaica. I pulled up on him in a sports car and spoke. "Hey...What's Good, I aint seen you in a minute!" I omit the name for many reasons, but man I'm telling you, the look on his face and in his eyes..."PRICELESS!" One, because I think he was shocked I even spoke to him and two...it's the "DAYUUMM SHE STILL LOOK THE SAME LOOK!" I knew it...the devilish grins and  mess going through our heads as we exchanged niceities was "a Bunch of Bull and I knew it! He kept it cordial though and so did I. He was alone, but I had the kids in the back and their Paw in the passenger seat. Not once did I bother to introduce them, like I once would've out of respect. That's over, he has no title in my life nor does he take precedence over anything anymore, I'm booking ahead and he knows it.

Why lie? I'm looking to move on and make moves with someone who wants to make moves with me! Anyway, he asks me if I still live in our hood and I say yeah, but I'm dying to move out of Rockaway! He then volunteers where he lives, street block and number; everything, but the address itself! The whole time, I'm accusing him of being mean to me. TRANSLATION: Are you still mean? Cause, I'm still mean too and I think we could be MEAN TOGETHER! Quickly, he defends himself, "I'm not mean anymore!" I remind him about our many fights and we both laugh about it. I guess we were too young to have sexual tension between us, so we fought! After that, I kind of went deaf, cause I was mesmerized and wanted to drive his car,both of them. Now I am intrigued and want to know more about him and I'm sure he wants the same! We race to the next light, still exchanging subliminal looks and flirting. What's bugging me out even more, is that I know he wishes I were alone, so he can slide me his math. I'm really digging him, because he doesn't seem to care the kid's Paw is sitting right there beside me. He doesn't speak or even acknowledge his presence and that makes me EVEN MORE INTERESTED! I LOVE A MAN WITH SOME BALLS...IT MADE ME WANT HIM EVEN MORE! He then tells me, "when you see SHOUT ME OUT...STOP ME...HOLLA AT ME!" I'm like "NO DOUBT!"

As we say our good byes, I want to know him more and I'm upset because we can't talk. All of this is going on while we're driving and racing to each light. A mental note of where he rests his head goes in the storage bank of my head and it will stay there. All I'm thinking about is how attracted I am to him and he doesn't even realize it... I think we liked each other as kids and fought all the time because of it. He was really mean and surly as HELL and I was one not to take ish off anybody, so you can imagine we argued and fought a lot. He always had the ill grill and mean mugged everybody. Me, you just had to push me a little bit and it was over. We literally HATED EACH OTHER, or so we thought. Only time will tell! People like this...ALWAYS end up together.

Some how though, I have a feeling things are going to be different. I haven't seen him since and I'd like to "DANCE" with him in more ways than one. This will be a journey to remember, I can feel it in my bones. The moment we get to talking and find our moment of truth, we are destined for some rough times and a test of wills; just to see which one of us will "BREAK" first! This is going to be interesting and I can't wait.
He's already playing hard to get. I won't get into the dynamics, but let's just say; I think we are in for a ride and for the long haul! It's going to be some summer...I'm smiling already!