A Lie Hurts Forever...

 

It's been months since I've written an entry on here. But this summer has been a block buster for finding out the truth. Between Lucas and someone I thought told me the truth, I'm a little sick! To my stomach that is. Funny thing, I'm used to Lucas and his lies, they've become apart of life. Sad but true. Therefore, I no longer ask the questions I already know the answer to. I am used to his lies and could care less whether he tells me the truth or not.

Anyway, Lucas and his lies are the past. Right now, there's a devastation I'm feeling I just can't shake.

Last year, I met someone who changed my life and lied to me at the same time. It took awhile, until about a month ago, I found out something I really didn't want to know. Somehow I'm feeling if he lied about something small, what else would I might not want to know?

 

With this latest news, I don't know how to feel? Numbness, emptiness and HURT has filled my heart and I have no idea how to feel...I just know I feel HORRIBLE. Over the course of a year we cultivated a friendship; long talks, texts, laughs and personal things. Little by little, we opened up to each other, sharing bits and intricate pieces of our lives. From day one, he has been a gentleman. No tongue kissing, no patting and feeling on me like some piece of meat. At the of our first real meeting, he gave me a soft endearing kiss on the cheek, tied my sneakers in the train station and made me feel more protected than I have in years. Good morning, afternoon, evening and good night texts just to say Hey, has meant more to me than anything. Only to find out "this!" Have we had ups and breakdowns in communication? Yes! Have I been harsh, impatient and snappy with him out of frustration with Lucas? Yes! Did I take out a lot of my irritability issues with Lucas on him, absolutely! Yet he has been really patient and quiet about it, despite my demeanor at times. Yes, there has been times I've given him FEVER! Because I didn't trust him much either. Has he done some things I hate...YASSS! Do I think he can be selfish and self centered like most men...OH YEAH! But nobody's perfect and we're not exclusive or an item. We're really friends! But I do think feelings have developed between us. Yes...I do! Did either of us expect this to happen? No! We haven't even gotten physical with each other, but there's something DEFINITELY there!

We seem to do more talking and getting to know each other more than anything else. He feels like my BESTFRIEND and I have grown fond of our friendship and miss him when he doesn't call. And once he does call or text...the first thing he says is IMY= I MISS YOU! When I see IMY in my text, it melts my heart more than hearing him say it. What's weird is I like things the way are. I know about his many conquests, his ex girlfriend and all the women who chase him down. There are barely, if any secrets between us, except this one and it HURTS!

Once the truth came out, I didn't have the heart to ask him about it. We didn't talk for two weeks. Each morning I woke up, sat on the edge of my couch and wondered why? Went through almost every conversation we've ever had and couldn't figure out why it was so hard for him to have told me the truth. Yes, there are intervals of time where we go without talking to each other and for me that's fine. We both have lives. When he finally did text me, I acted as if nothing happened for a few days-we talked like normal, but my heart had to expose the truth. The hurt was too great and I didn't know how to handle the pain...my heart was wounded. So I did what I felt I had to do, ask!

Long story short, I asked him if he remembered our first meeting and what I told him about Lucas lying to me when he first met me. Of course, his response was no! On cue, I reminded him...of an old saying "When you start a relationship with a lie, it will end with one!" After reminding him, he denied his lie and I abruptly changed the subject and we began talking about other things. He had no idea the extent of the damage he caused, because I refused to let him know. Sometimes it's not worth it. 

I guess because I can't express my betrayal, I will write about it. Why do people lie? Especially when you first meet someone. The best thing to do is tell the truth, it might not get you the result you want, but it will save you (and the person you hurt) a lot of embarrassment and heart ache later.

Right now, I am so numb and feel sick to my stomach because I trusted him and believed he was good people. It took some soul searching and other things to realize maybe I was looking at things through rose colored glasses...GOD FORGIVE ME!

The question is? Where do you go from here? How do you ever trust anyone, when all men do is tell unnecessary lies? As I sit here I feel sicker and sicker writing this, my stomach has been in knots for weeks and this lie has definitely changed the dynamics of my life forever. 

A WOLF'S IN SHEEPS CLOTHING...BIRTHDAY THOUGHTS

 

With each passing birthday a lot of retrospective thinking is on deck, depending on the age, the year and what's going on in my life. But soul searching this year, made me return to the source.The Genesis and beginning, and what I found made me cringe. For many years I thought about 1986, how much I praised, loved and basked in the life of that year. Now I can see how many mistakes I made. The sad part is it took me years to realize I wasted my time with a someone I thought I dearly loved and I couldn't have been more deceived, stupid and wrong. My pain and hunger for the love I'd loss when my Grandmother died, caused me to make the biggest mistake of my life. Which is the reason I decided to write this blog entry. When you know some things definitely altered the course of your life, you tend to want to share these negative experience to save some other unexpecting soul from the same hurt and pain.

Young girls tend to make rash decisions based on pain, trauma or major change in their lives. That year, I was suffering from all three. First, my Grandmother died devastating me beyond measure. It was traumatic for me to lose the biggest cheerleader in my life, my Grandmother was my world. Her dying brought about major changes in our lives and family. I knew things would never be the same. I thought it was the cruelest joke God could've ever played on us...she was all we had. As big as my family is, the closeness we once shared was gone. We were no longer "clannish!" My mother and I were orphaned in the blink of an eye. Yes, my Great Grandmother was still alive and so were seven of my Grandmother's sisters and three of her five brothers...but we were still alone. My Grandfather was not the biological father of my mother and uncle so he really had no obligation to us at all. He did stay around though and did the best he could. In the end, he was all we really had. My Uncle wound up fighting his demons through drug use, so he wasn't around much, especially through the crack epidemic. My father was present, but he was doing his thing, he had no time for a grieving young wife, so that just left us. And by us I mean; Mommy, me and my siblings! To add insult to injury, I'd met my biological father (for the first time in my life) at fifteen years old. Let me just say it was an experience. Daddy was cool, but I had so many unanswered questions and a lot of confusion raced through my mind. I inherited an older brother, a sister (one year younger than me) a younger brother and a step-mother. In the beginning things were a little weird, but we all got to know each other over time. But looking back, it really was a lot for a fifteen year old girl to process in one year. Losing my Grandmother and meeting my biological father in a span of three months was WAY TOO MUCH! It also didn't help that Mommy and I didn't have the best relationship, so I pretty much felt lost.

Around that time I was spiraling out of control in school. Fighting, cutting and acting out HARD!

It was because of my behavior as a miscreant, I had to attend summer school at Beach Channel. Looking back, I wish God had re-written that part of my story. It was there I met my "SHEEP IN WOLF'S CLOTHING!" I should've known he was the ultimate waste of time, but when you're young, naïve and a virgin you tend to make the dumbest decisions of your life. When you're in mental pain, grieving and dealing with life altering changes, the last thing you need is a selfish ass, self centered, self serving, NARCISSITIC SOCIO PATH! 

It has taken me YEARS to realize how FULL OF SHIT HE REALLY WAS and HOW DUMB I WAS FOR CHOOSING HIM TO BE "THE FIRST!" There's no need to discuss the in between, because he was really a piece of work and thought the sun rose and set on his ass. I spent the ages of fifteen to twenty something really in love with this clown. Doing all I could to get his attention, to the point where I couldn't see I NEVER MATTERED TO HIS ASS AT ALL! Only one girl did and Kudos to her, I ain't mad...she did her thing , by playing his ass so he can really experience the pain he caused me and others. He really never had me fooled, I knew he didn't care, too SPOILED and SELFISH! Always running around amongst our mutual friends trying to keep up this "IMAGE" and I'm not sure why! 

Well, my birthday is Sunday, I will be forty four years old and I REGRET THE VERY HISTORY I HAD WITH THIS MAN! I married his BEST FRIEND to get his attention, because of all the mess he'd done to me over the years and it was the BIGGEST MISTAKE I EVER MADE! So I have no choice but to think, if I didn't meet his ass, maybe my life would be TOTALLY DIFFERENT. Today, I harbor no ill will toward my Ex-husband. Truth be told he was a lot of things, we carried on like Fraizer and Sphinx, but he was better to me in many more ways. Was he crazy, yes! Do I want to be bothered with him...NAH! But what makes him THE BETTER MAN IS HIS APOLOGY TO ME AFTER I LEFT HIM...WAY MORE THAN FROM THE WOLF IN SHEEPS CLOTHING I THOUGHT I LOVED FOR SO MANY YEARS!

So as I sit here tonight, all I can ask myself is "WHAT WOULD MY LIFE REALLY BE LIKE IF I HADN'T CHOSE THAT CLOWN?" Am I bitter, NO...are there regrets...HELL YEAH! SMH, If I could turn back the hands of time on that now defunct "C Train" I wouldn't have given his FUNKY ASS THE TIME OF DAY I CAN TELL YOU THAT! And as another year of WISDOM IS ADDED TO MY LIFE, I HOPE SHARING THIS WITH ONE OF YOU WILL GET YOU TO THINKING TOO! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME... 

A Grateful Heart In The Midst Of Adversity

 

For the last month or so I've had a serious case of writer's block and haven't felt motivated to write about anything. I guess these days all I can do is look at what's wrong in my life, why it's wrong and how I can fix my life. With the holidays and my birthday coming, Fall and Winter are my favorite times of the year. As a child, the holidays were filled with warmth, love, excitement, family and friends. Now not so much...it's no longer the same and I can't pretend I'm happy with the course my life has taken. Growing up during the Seventies, Eighties and Nineties, I looked forward to the holidays. Sure I've had my share of painful firsts, losing my grandmother in eighty six, great grandmother in ninety one, grandfather in two thousand and Mommy in two thousand five. You never get over the pain of spending those holidays without your loved ones, but you try to accept it, even if you can't deal with it.

For years I've made the best of life and all it's had to offer, more disappointments than good ones. When my grandmother died, I never said it out loud to Mommy, but I vowed to stand by her side celebrating each and every holiday. Never would she have to worry about being accepted by anyone. We'd make our own memories, leave a legacy and create traditions of our own. Well we got to spend about twenty years doing that until she died in two thousand five. Before that we cooked together every single year and I eagerly looked forward to it. Every Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Eve, I went to bed at six o'clock in the morning, because I'd be up preparing a feast to remember and I enjoyed it. If it meant my family ate, if it meant making them happy I was all for it. Cutting and cleaning up Collard, Turnip and Mustard Greens is tedious to say the least, but I just didn't feel good if I couldn't help Mommy and my family eat.

The older I got, the more responsibility I took on. By the time I was eighteen, I could cook a full course Thanksgiving meal and not miss a step in the kitchen...I WAS NASTY! Inheriting the gene passed down in the Cromer/Oliver family to cook is a blessing indeed. My great grandmother could burn a kitchen down and so could her girls, then the torch was passed to the younger generation! I took pride in learning how to cook and still do. But now I feel differently. What is it all for? Do you do it for a family of children who don't care or appreciate the time you've taken to slave over a hot stove. Coming home from work on Thanksgiving Eve just to season up your Collard Green pots, finally chop all them veggies for the three different pans of stuffing you're about to make. Pies, Mac & Cheese, Ham, Turkey and God knows what else.

Over the years the holidays haven't gotten any easier for me especially since Mommy died. Her passing the month before Thanksgiving changed my life immensely. I haven't been the same since. That first Thanksgiving without her was the most food I'd ever cooked in my life. I made so much food, I was giving it away and still had more to spare. But it did make me happy to sit down and watch my brother, sister, their spouses, my Dad and the kids eating. It was the hardest Thanksgiving of my life after Grandma died in eighty six.

It's been nine years since Mommy's been gone and every year I dread cooking alone, but I still do it. One year in two thousand ten, my two youngest were in the care of Lucas' mother from the ACS case brought against me by the kids and their aunt. You would think I wouldn't have had the spirit to cook, but I did anyway, because it's tradition for me. I come from a family with a strong background and though we've had our faults we have a legacy.
Right now, things are up in the air in  my life and the battles are plenty. But I can tell you one thing, I will always make sure the smells of Thanksgiving fill my home, so Cimaya and Jaden can identify with memories of their Mommy cooking huge holiday meals. Hopefully they will past these traditions on when they grow up and get their own families.

Larenz Tate - Brother to the Night (A Blues for Nina, Love Jones OST)

 

Ok I try hard not to talk about my life, but sitting here watching Love Jones is crazy. Now you know I'm just being CYNICAL, THIS BLOG IS ABOUT LOVE AND LIFE!  What mistakes I made, what I've learned, who I've learned and WHY I WILL NEVER GO BACKWARDS IN MY LIFE. I am so looking forward to the future and all the possibilities it has in store. As for now, back to Love Jones. Sitting here watching the movie has me thinking of my latest chance encounter. Let's just say it's been a long time since I've felt "A JONES." The chance encounter, me brushing "HIM" off HARSHLY and him remaining UNPHASED by my attitude...PERSISTENCE. But he's smart, realizes a good thing when he sees one and doesn't back down. Giving me SPACE, knows my current SITUATION and RESPECTS it! We talk and it's HONEST! He's HANDSOME...yet calls me SEXCII and I BLUSH through the phone, because he can't see me. Still letting him know compliments isn't a segue to my ass! The fact he tells me to BE MYSELF IS WHAT I LOVE...I ask him if he's SCARED of  me, trying to "RATTLE" him, see what he's made of. Translation: Are you man enough for me? When in reality I see a CONFIDENT, SMUG, CALM, COOL and COLLECTED man; who I call "cute." While his laugh INTIMIDATES ME! Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? At least I thought so, I guess we shall soon see.

Timing is the world to me and our timing is off by decades. But we enjoy each other's conversation. Although I've yet to go on that "date," I am NEVER EAGER to go out on a date with some random man. I guess prolonging things maybe a good thing and it's never hurt any body. It ain't hurting us! I'm just saying women are way too eager to "jump" at an invitation to have sex. There's no room for conversation or getting to know each other. We are so quick to go running on a date (if some of us are even asked) only to wind up in some "COMPROMISING SITUATION!" I really don't get women today. There is no "CHASE" with them. You meet a man and within the month your sucking his juices and the juices of any woman who's sat on his D$%*K in the last six months; and you're really looking forward to this man taking you serious? Good luck with that! A man who's done nothing to earn the "SACREDNESS or SANCTITY" of YOUR BODY, yet you are so willing to relinquish the rights to your "TEMPLE?" It's not even your "TEMPLE" it's God's "TEMPLE!"

Promiscuity is a program, I can't get with ON ANY LEVEL...and I lose many potential and wanna be suitors in the process and but that's a good thing. Because by the time you get to know a man, you began to realize you could've kept your damn drawers or thong on. Whatever you wear! Like clock work, a good woman will calculate whether or not you're even worth talking to, before she sleeps with you. There's nothing like REGRET to us as women, well some of us. I'll just say this, we need to be more "SELECTIVE" about who we give our time and bodies to. Not only is it important, it's imperative to a woman and her health, that she proceed with "CAUTION" in choosing a sexual mate. I love the inboxes I get, the propositions and all the men dressed in wolves clothing, trying to see if they have a chance...YOU DON"T! You gotta love them though and I give you an "E" for "EFFORT"...you deserve it. Don't hurt a brother for trying, all I do is COACH you "PLAYERS" cause your game ain't that tight, take your ass back to the drawing board...Cause even though "PIMPIN AINT EASY, I AIN'T EASY!

It's a dumb "BOY" who can't recognize the signs of a woman who hasn't "cleaned the pipe" of every dude she's met. It's also dumb for a man to be impressed by the trashy antics of an easy woman. If she slept with you within the month, how many other men has she done this with? If you're not required to respect her at the end of the day, you might to dig in her past and find out how many men really respect "your latest conquest?"

The "MORAL" of my story is, be a little "RESISTANT" ladies. Don't be so quick to go out because he asked you once, make him ask you a few times before you "GIVE IN." Cause if we are "REAL" and this blog is for "ADULTS," THINGS CAN HAPPEN ON A FIRST DATE...SO DRAG THE GAME OF "TAG" OUT AS LONG AS THE LORD WILL ALLOW! In other words, make a man "RESPECT" you and "TAKE HIS TIME WITH YOU!" Believe me, being "OLD FASHIONED" never goes out of STYLE, but BEING A T.H.O.T is! I feel a sense of ACCOMPLISHMENT and PRIDE because I am being asked to dinner on a constant basis. Not only that, most men tell me they are "AFRAID" to approach me for fear of the mighty "ROAR!" If your intentions are right and you approach me or any woman like a man, you'd approach any woman the "RIGHT" way...and there'd be "NOTHING TO FEAR!"

My new "INTEREST" has passed a lot of "TESTS" so far! H.E. has not DISRESPECTED ME OR MY WISHES IN ANY WAY... ASSURING ME HE IS A "PATIENT MAN AND GET WHAT HE WANTS ONCE HE PUTS HIS MIND TO IT!" My response...I hope you are ready for the ride, cause I am "NOT EASY!" I'm going to do everything I can to discourage your advances and eventually you'll wind up either staying for the long haul or we'll be the best of friends. Either which way, "RESPECT IS ONLY GIVEN TO WHOM IT'S DUE!" Keep that in mind the next time an eligible "BACHELOR" approaches you. Be a mystery, be interesting you can be fun in many other ways, but be a lady! I'm trying to be something other than the "BLUES...I'M TRYING TO BE HIS JONES!"

Feeling Safe....



The last time I felt a sense of safety was when I was married to my first husband. I was twenty-one and fearless because he was fearless!

Despite all the things we'd gone through one thing about my ex-husband was I ALWAYS FELT SAFE WITH HIM! He could be mean as SNAKE and kept the "HEAT" close. I never had to worry about anything whenever we were together, he had my back and I had his. We got together for all the wrong reasons, but one thing I could say about him, NOBODY CAME BEFORE ME! No broad, no chick, NOBODY! He made sure I was respected by everyone, even if we fought like cats and dogs, he didn't tolerate anyone else pissing me off, only he could do that. This man had two of the most handsome sons and I adored them and their Mom. Although she and I never really spoke, she was really a nice person and FABULOUS AS HELL!

Yet, even he made sure she respected me and I respected her. His first love and I knew each other well and she called the house whenever she wanted to...we all RESPECTED EACH OTHER and I was close with their families: both of the women in his life, who came before me.

Above all, I felt safe when I was with him. If I cried, it mattered. We'd sit and talk for hours about any and everything, nothing was off limits. I could confide in this man (only twenty four at the time) about my deepest darkest fears. Now that's what a man ought to provide for you, to be able sit and talk for hours. With my ex-husband it was if we needed each other, it was our therapy. He really protected me. If he saw something or felt someone did me wrong...he spoke on it, questioning everything. He always looked out for me in retrospect, he was jealous, but protective and guarded me with his life. Even if there were other women, I never knew it, unless it were by accident. He was a lot of things, but he protected my feelings and I appreciated the fact I didn't have to feel threatened if he went to see his sons or if his first love called my house. Without question, I NEVER FELT THREATENED in our relationship and when it was over...it was because I LEFT HIM. Not over infidelity and there was no mistaking his DEDICATION to me as his wife. Did he cheat? Probably, did I know...NEVER! And again let me say, he was too busy protecting me and my feelings to allow any dirt he was doing to be found out. On the strength of that, I know I will always RESPECT him.

In my life, I can only think of three men I felt "SAFE" around, I am not naming them out of respect and the fact the internet is a piece of work. But one of them was much older than me and the man I almost married and he was from Jamaica islands. The second was my ex-husband, the last person was a man I met through a friend in 1999 and that's all...til' this year!

Men really need to realize, a woman needs to feel safe around you and if she doesn't what's the point in even being dedicated to the relationship? Women want a man who makes them feel SAFE and SECURE, not a little bumbling ass fool who doesn't have the balls to stand up to people and PROFESS his LOVE for you. Not one who doesn't have the sense to be honest about WHERE HIS HEART STANDS AND WHY!

I pray for that safeness again. You can only pray for that dedication from a man and believe God will grant it. There are some guys you know from your initial meeting whether he's a protector or a clown. I can't speak for others, I can only speak for myself when I say I'm getting a familiar feeling of "SAFETY and SECURITY" let's just see if I'm right!

For the first time in thirteen years I feel like I'm going to be alright and I'm just excited about the possibility of what is going to be!

 

 

Thinking Bout You - All the Way Home!!!

Why is timing and life so complicated? Why do I have to realize after all these years I've NEVER given myself fully to a man? There has always been something inside holding me back, I never fully gave myself to anyone, but now I think I'm ready. There are too many reasons why I can't and I'm not happy about it.
I was alright until one hot day Downtown Brooklyn. I'd gone up to my school to take care of some business and decided to walk Court Street to buy me some frozen yogurt.
Out of no where, I can feel someone approaching me and of course I throw my hand up in disgust, because I NEVER want to be bothered with men and their cat calls, compliments and bull ish!
This time it was different. As alert as I am, I didn't even see him approaching me. My peripheral vision is on point. I can peep game a mile away and cross the street if a man's eye's linger on me longer than ten seconds. Because I don't have the desire to be bothered with a whole bunch of wasted lingo about nothing. Therefore I have the tendency to cut a ninja off at the neck before he starts with his rendition of "GAME!" Save it, cause I'm the "COACH" and I 've earned my stripes, go earn yours some where else.
Anyway, his approach was so different. Unlike any approach I'd ever seen in a long time.
First of all, I didn't even see him walk up to me, didn't peep him watching me from a distance, none of that. For the first time, I was totally caught off guard. Being me, I did my best to discourage him, but it didn't seem to phase him one bit. I was a little snippy and sarcastic, he didn't mind. I insulted him, referring to him as cute. He calmly looked me and told me I'm a lot of things, but you referring to me as "cute" isn't going to stop me from talking to you, so I'll be "cute" if you want me to be. No matter what I said, I couldn't shake him or break his constitution.
He has so many things most of these grown men lack today and that's patience! As much as I tried to discourage him, he kept walking with me, pursuing me relentlessly. After awhile I found him interesting and intriguing. I was so impressed that as young as he was, nothing I said seemed to rattle him. In fact, he had such a calmness and he was so centered. His demeanor was one of I have a lot of patience and you don't need to worry about me getting tired of your refusal, it's my motivation.
We sat and talked for a long time and not one time did he mention anything about sex. All he did was reiterate his desire to take me out to dinner, no matter how much I denied him, the more he said, "Let Me SHOW You!"
Right there I became interested. Most men are so shallow and these younger guys have more under the cap, than these old fools. I'm not kidding either. Every time I think about him, I wonder if it was fate for us to run into each other. Maybe it was.
I'm not into May December relationships, but I know one thing, it takes a lot for a man to get my attention and hold it...I get bored real easy and fast. Well I'm definitely impressed with my new friend and especially the fact he's not thirsty or running around like a dog in heat after my ass.
I knew this when he called me three weeks after our initial meeting.
I know a lot of old heads who need to take notes from these younger men. Because he definitely informed me, he was in no rush with me. Of course, because he has had his share of women, young and older...confessing to me he likes older women because they don't offer too much drama!
We definitely had a nice long talk and I found him to be mysterious and interesting enough to give my cell number to. Three weeks went by and from time to time I thought of him. One night he calls me from work, the number comes up ANONYMUS and I answer brashly. His calm centered demeanor affects me instantly, I calm down too, because I LOVE HIS VOICE! He was at work, "I just called to check up you and see how you were doing! We talked all of twenty minutes and hung up. Translation: I'm not going to let you forget me, I'm not ready for you yet, but you are a keeper! I smiled to myself and thought I mean something...sometimes that's all you need. To be able to leave an impression on a man that if he thought about "playing you" something about you changes his mind and he decides to keep you around. Be it as a friend and on reserve for the future, it's for the better. Patience is key and time is on my side! I have no idea where this might end up, but I know one thing, I feel safe and I haven't felt like that with a man in years. There's just something about him and I have a feeling we're going to become very good friends if nothing else. I just wish God would send me a HUSBAND I CAN FEEL SAFE WITH LIKE THAT!
How can you meet a man and feel such a connection so soon? I don't know what I feel, but I LOVE HOW CALM HE IS! I am a whirlwind of energy and I'm all over the place. I need someone who is calm, centered, strong and safe. He's all of those and then some. I can see the patience in him and there's something deep in those eyes, I don't know what but I want to find out.
Why does timing have to be so off?

Here's the thing. I am my own best friend and I like it that way. Ever since I was a little girl, I grew up thinking I wasn't good enough! For what I'm not sure, but I had some real self esteem issues.
Growing up in the Seventies, wasn't easy for us young black girls. In fact no era ever was. If you weren't light skinned, with long "good" hair...you were ugly! If you were overweight and a vision of 'Precious," you could forget about even being acknowledged!
In my opinion, I was average.  A red caramel complexion, dirty red hair, short and just plain average looking. And like other young girls, I longed to at least be light skinned. It wasn't till after I grew up, could I appreciate my exotic red skin and red hair. I didn't realize I was beautiful along.
Women are amazing and we are our own worse enemy. We judge each other by looks; the color of our skin, grade of our hair and what we wear. Petty girls, who grow up to become petty women. It took me years to feel as if I belonged where I grew up; yet whenever I went other places I made friends with every one and always received a WARM GENUINE WELCOME! If I were to honestly say I had a great childhood out in the Rockaways, I'd be lying. But if you ask me who accepted me for who I am, it would be my old friends from South Ozone Park, Long Island and Uptown in Harlem. I am totally not a fan of the shallow people I grew up with, well some of them.
So today, I am extremely cautious of the women I've once referred to as "friends." The ones who I've fought and gone to war for, have picked up with the very females who whipped their asses and now they're the best of friends. When I see this, I feel bad for even protecting them and getting into confrontations defending their honor. Now, instead of talking to who I've defended, I speak to the person I feel guilty defending these broads for. Why did I even take the time to defend a set of fake ass bitches who had no loyalty to themselves, let alone me? Now everyone wants to "pretend" they're "BESTIES," and wondering why you refuse to let them into our life and very personal space. Wondering why we can't go out to Breakfast, Brunch, Lunch...let alone Dinner? Really? Ask yourself why you should be trusted and I'm sure you still won't see your own mess! If I could turn back the hands of time I promise you I would've allowed a lot of these broads to get them ass whippins they deserved!
We know we can't go back in time now can we? But I do know this, I am MY OWN BESTIE and I REALLY DON'T TRUST WOMEN AT ALL...I am good being alone. Not competing with myself, my secrets stay my secrets and I have no petty jealousies to contend with! I am disgusted with the way women behave today and know people despise me because I am "standoffish and anti-social!"
During my latter twenties, Mommy became my BESTIE! I could count on her and TRUST HER WITH MY LIFE...I can't say the same about my "so called FRIENDS and ASSOCIATES!"
My mother always told me, "if you've got one good friend, you've got a good thing" and she was right! What's sad is my GOOD FRIEND IS DEAD and I know for a fact, I will NEVER have a friend like her again. With all I'm going through in my life, I hate to say it but, Lucas has been the only person I don't have to worry about discussing my business with people in the neighborhood or from my past...I guess he just tells my business to his current girlfriend or baby's momma! And that's fine with me. I don't know them and never will, so it doesn't matter. The sad part about my friendship with Lucas is his BETRAYAL, so who do you TRUST? GOD and BEN FRANKLIN, two people who will NEVER LET YOU DOWN! All I know is the broads I've known and grown up with have been the biggest disappointment to date...let alone the broads I've met in recent years. Who expect you to TRUST THEM and you haven't even known them long enough for them to BETRAY YOU and they have! Will I ever trust anyone again in this life? Only time will tell. But I can tell you one thing, LOYALTY IS EVERYTHING TO ME and once you've VIOLATED THAT TRUST I AM DONE WITH YOU! And let's just LEAVE IT AT THAT...