When You Can't Forgive The Ulitmate Betrayal...

It's a shame when someone you thought you could trust, betrays you! Most men do cheat, we know they do. But when they betray you with a "SO CALLED FRIEND" we have a problem. I've gone through this before. I was young, stupid and selfish, but even in my youth, I had sense enough not to allow the mother of this man's children to find out what was going on. She was having her own affair with a friend of mines, so I thought I was validated or pardoned for my sin. Well I wasn't and I knew it wasn't right. But I kept my "secret" affair under wraps and had no intentions on becoming pregnant!

My mother in good fashion, wouldn't be her if she didn't warn me about the perils of sleeping with an engaged man who had three children. Even if his sorry ass didn't realize he had an OBLIGATION to his fiance' and children. As bad as I "thought" I liked him, I knew we were both WRONG for betraying her; whether she was sleeping with my friend or not. My mother gave me the most sound judgment about the situation and to this day, I remember what she said. "Zanee', you know why that girl is cheating on him, because for years he's been cheating on her and she is TIRED! It's unfair to her, because he has taken away her childhood!" And at the end of the day (mommy went on to say) "It's not fair to her for you to do this!" I don't care how you try to justify your mess, it's not right and your baby WILL NEVER MEAN ANYTHING TO HIM. HE ALREADY HAS FOUR CHILDREN OF HIS OWN; BOYS AND GIRLS, WHAT DIFFERENCE WILL YOUR CHILD MAKE? At the time, I didn't have an inkling or thought of having a baby, but carelessness does take precedence over responsibility and I learned the hard way.

His reaction to the pregnancy was "I want you, but I don't want anymore children right now!" I wasn't happy, but I know one things for certain, I was embarrassed and wanted to climb under a rock. I didn't want to be pregnant and for the first time, I really thought about how that girl was going to feel if she found this mess out...I wanted an ABORTION! Now I don't believe in abortion and NEVER HAD ONE, but it was sheer humiliation and my conscience was KILLING ME! All of a sudden, I wasn't so selfish anymore.I began thinking more of her feelings and the fact I did know her on a casual level. We'd had conversations, grew up together, knew the same people and shared a few laughs here and there. So I was more than DEAD WRONG and I KNEW IT!

I fought with termination, but knew I couldn't pull it off. I decided to lie about the paternity of my own child, SO NOT TO CAUSE MORE DAMAGE THAN I'D ALREADY CAUSED, especially to HER! She'd never done anything to me and THE GUILT WAS KILLING ME.  I became depressed and sullen, I worked and hid most of the time and even when the baby was born, I STILL KEPT MY MESS UNDER WRAPS!

What I'm saying is, KARMA IS A BITCH & it took seventeen years for my MESS TO HAUNT ME! I trusted my so called fiance' with his SO CALLED FAMILY FRIEND; and their phone calls, texts and conversations. He DENIED any dealings with her and I TRUSTED HIM, BELIEVED HIM, even though I was SKEPTICAL of her RATCHED ASS. During my sin, I had sense enough to DISTANCE myself from this girl. My ex's PAIN IN THE ASS, had the audacity to try and BEFRIEND me, which infuriated me to the point of DISGUST! At the end of the day, I got my just punishment and KARMA paid me a visit, his "FRIEND" now has HIS KID! 

So do I believe in that "FRIENDSHIP" mess between men and women? NOPE! Because one of them ALWAYS likes the other person or is in LOVE with them in some way. I have many male friends, but I keep them at bay, because I feel it is disrespectful to entertain extra mess on the side! I don't think things will ever be the same between us and I've learned so much from this experience. I hurt so many people and I am so full of anger, because I TRUSTED SOMEONE WHO CLAIMED HIS FRIEND WAS JUST "A FRIEND!" Now our bond has been BROKEN, I DON'T TRUST HIM AND I AM READY TO GO. I can tell you this, I WILL NEVER TRUST THAT FRIENDSHIP CRAP AGAIN & I'M GLAD I TRUSTED MY GUTT WHEN IT CAME TO HER! 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO DELTA SIGMA THETA INC.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DELTA SIGMA INCORPORATED!!!!

Many years ago, I dreamed of pledging Delta Sigma Theta. But I was too busy running the streets like the "WILD CHILD" I still am at 43. I'd dropped out of high school, began a career doing hair and was attracted to the street life of hustlers and drug dealers. Now don't get it twisted, I was extremely intelligent, but HYSTERICALLY BLIND! I was 18 and too "SMART" for my own good; I didn't realize fast money is just what it is...fast. The real truth of my screwing up in school, will appall you.  My dream of college was shattered in high school, when my mother told me I couldn't go away to college. After that I gave up, became discouraged and felt defeated. I knew there was something out there bigger than Far Rockaway, larger than Queens. I wanted to see the world and do something with my life, but my mother (unknowingly) clipped my wings; she didn't trust me and her fear of teenage pregnancy controlled the decisions she made concerning me. Once I realized I couldn't go away to school, I began to think what's the use? So, I began classes and indulging in deviant behavior. My behavior was so bad, I only went to two classes English and Biology, spent about four out of six periods in the lunchroom and fought all the time. Looking back, I don't fault my mom, I believe she had her own issues to deal with, was trying to protect me and didn't have time for mines.

Those years were the worst for me. I constantly stayed in trouble, lived in the Dean's office and my Guidance Counselor became my bestfriend. I WAS A JUVENILE DELINQUENT! Despite being a menace, I loved to read and loved Biology. I'd get grades of 98 in English, passed the Biology Regents with an 86, and wouldn't you know; I was even accepted into the Health Careers program at my school. Back then, you could graduate as a Licensed Practical Nurse! Some how, I managed to blow that too. You'd think those positive attributes would serve as a motivation, but I eventually was expelled for fighting and that ended every desire for school. The district enrolled me at another school, but I'd gotten there and didn't do much either.

The chain of events in my life changed me forever. In one year; I lost the only person who I felt loved me in this world, my grandmother, finally met my biological father and two of my siblings and fell in love for the first time. I was excited to have met my father and siblings, who lived in Brooklyn and I thought I had an ally in my sister who was a year younger than me. We went through our teenage years together and it was time for my sister to go away to college. I was so happy and excited for her and as off the chain as I was I encouraged her to PLEDGE DELTA the FIRST CHANCE SHE GOT! You see, my step mom was liberal in her thinking and she allowed my sister the privilege of TRUST.  In retrospect...I don't think Mommy trusted me much, I guess I hadn't given her a reason to. But I encouraged my sister to PLEDGE DELTA;
 I saw she had a chance for opportunity in her life, that I didn't have. My sister did PLEDGE DELTA and I eventually got myself together applying to the College of New Rochelle's School of New Resources in Harlem.

I never thought I'd ever get my life together I did, but I was STILL BLIND and attracted to the street life. My first chance to pledge, when Fordham University had a line in January 1997. I was supposed to join, and cross over into my DREAM. Before the line, I'd met many of my sister's wonderful Sorors. These women were intelligent and admirable. I felt so HONORED to be SURROUNDED by so many SUCCESSFUL EDUCATED WOMEN! They were supportive of each other and it definitely was a SISTERHOOD. They embraced me, and I enjoyed attending every function. They embody all the beliefs I had as a HUMANITARIAN. Feeding the homeless, and providing the community with social support. I never did pledge, but my sister's chapter did give me the opportunity. My sister gave me the book In Search of The Sisterhood to read about the history of Delta Sigma Theta Inc. I read it, but I still didn't pledge.

I never did pledge; but I love them the same and I guess I just felt "OUT OF PLACE" & allowed other people and life situations to "HINDER" me from pledging. I think I STOOD IN MY OWN WAY & regret it today. Maybe one day, I will pledge...my brother always says "It's NEVER TOO LATE TO DO WHAT YOU LOVE!" I think he's right and with that I AM STILL INTERESTED IN BEING APART OF SUCH GREAT ORGANIZATION...HAPPY BIRTHDAY D.S.T.!

 



On The Look Out...Spring 2014 Gigi Python Embossed Python Clutch

Fashion comes in many names, shapes and PRICES; meaning, I'm really not a label whore. I didn't say I didn't like the "finer things, I'm just a little practical in my purchasing choices. It's not about the labels you wear, but how you wear them. Yes, I love Hermes, Louie, Mark Cross, Gucci, Tory, Fendi and Vintage Chanel. But every now and then; I like to spot light unrecognized designers with just as much, (if not more) talent than Michael Kors!  Women are so caught up in "mainstream" name brands, we refuse to have identity or style of our own. We are afraid to emerge from the shadows as trendsetters and that's what being a true Fashionista is being a "TRENDSETTER" and possessing a style all "YOURS!" You own the style, the style doesn't own you! So nah, I'm not a label whore, but I do love labels.

So on display is this Gigi Embossed Python Magenta Clutch and it is HAUTE! A Good look for Spring 2014 and the price is right too. Who can go bad at $130? I know I won't, because I can still think of what to do with the other $500 I might need for a bill. Happy shopping Babies!!!

I soooo want these Pajar boots!!!

Pajar Women's Fox Trot Boot (see more fox boots)

 

 

I've had my share of Uggs...about eight pairs and counting. For about three years I kept promising myself I'd finally purchase a pair of Muk Luks, unfortunately I haven't gotten around to it yet. Last year , my girl Barbara had on a pair of these and I fell hopelessly in LUST! You can bet your bottom dollar ya girl will be purchasing these babies REAL SOON.

See You At The Crossroads

Lately or should I say for the last eight years of my life, I've been at The Crossroads and I am afraid to leave. Picture yourself standing in the middle of a split dirt road wondering if you should go right or left!

For some people it is so easy to make life choices, it has NEVER been that way for me. I've always been indecisive about so many things; from choosing a career I love to the men I have relationships with. Being I've never been a serial dater, I have a tendency to date one man at a time; I guess it was because I was raised as a "church girl!"



The way I was brought up, was old fashioned and some what primitive. I'm not saying it was all wrong, but times have changed and I wish my thought process was different. Our doctrine was; men worked, were the providers and women stayed home and raised the family. At the time, I thought that was the way things should be. Not just because the pastor said so, but let's be real; back in the days our men, no matter what the race took care of our families. Women didn't have to worry about buying a house to live in, a car to drive or putting food on the table...it was just done!

So I grew up with this misconception about love, life and men! I realize I'd been living a fairytale most of my life. I longed for someone to grow old with, a childhood or high school sweet heart, like most women I knew had back then. I just knew if I remained "A GOOD GIRL" that God would send me a man that "APPRECIATED" my "VIRTUOUS TENDENCIES!" That turned out to be the biggest disappointment of my life. I was waiting for a resolution that would never come. I was waiting for "The UNDYING LOVE, His Proposal, My Mother's Joy, The Bridal Shower, The Dress, The Wedding, The Reception and The Honeymoon! I felt I was worth it all because I wasn't promiscuous and loose. I was a house girl, I cooked, I cleaned, I washed and was a modern day Florence from the Jefferson. My dream was to have my husband buy me my first home, I didn't think it was appropriate for me as a woman to do that; I couldn't have been more wrong. I looked forward to the day we went "house hunting" and after a day of looking at many houses in and out of our budget, I'd see one I really wanted and my husband would say, "that's a bit much, I don't think so!" Of course, I'd be disappointed and we'd go home. I'd probably call my mom and complain, only to hear her say; You need to be GRATEFUL, I lived in this apartment the great part of my life and this man is buying you a house? You better Shut up!" That's my Moms, in good fashion...shutting you down when you don't realize God's Blessings in your life! After listening to her logic, I'd change my thought process and think of the possibilities of a house we probably agreed on. Only for a Saturday morning breakfast at IHOP or dinner at a really nice restaurant and my husband saying "I need to show you something!" We're just driving and driving toward the place where I saw the house I wanted, but not what we agreed upon. All of a sudden, he's turning into the driveway of the house using the excuse the realtor is meeting him there so we can sign the papers for the other house. By now, 've stopped sulking and am just happy to be FINALLY LIVING IN A HOUSE! We get out of the car, because my husband claims the realtor has papers for us to sign. Instead, we walk up to the front door and he pushes the key into the lock and we walk right in! I look puzzled, "where's the realtor? Oh, my husband say...he'll be here in a minute. Meanwhile, sign these papers! Now I'm a lil upset, why do I have to sign papers in the house I wanted, but can't get!!! I see a pen on the counter with the papers, I sign uninterested and my husband hands me the keys, "Welcome to your new house!" I loose it at that point...HE CAME THROUGH FOR ME! I thank him PROFUSELY and the first thing I want to do is CALL MOMMY, GO GET HER AND BRING HER HERE! "I gotta go...I have to go get MOMMY!" Fast forward twenty plus years. The story is different and I don't care to share the disappointment. I will say, I wish I bought my own house! I am 43 years old and still living in an apartment. Life is funny, I don't know what's ahead, but for you young women out there, find your OWN WAY...BUY YOUR OWN HOUSE! DON'T WAIT FOR A MAN TO DO IT FOR YOU, YOU MIGHT STILL BE WAITING AT THE CROSSROADS FOR MANY THINGS. WHAT IS YOUR CROSSROAD?

 

Chasing Your Dreams

I'm Baaaccckkk! I've been pretending to write a blog for years now and too afraid to really do it. Was I afraid, procrastinating or just plain lazy? I have a wealth of knowledge I want to share, but I was
always afraid to share it. I just realized over time how afraid I've been of success and how much fear has stopped me from reaching my full potential in life.

If there were ever a time for fear and I to break up, it's now! I can't do this anymore, I won't.

For now, it's a new day. Out with the old and in with the new. To anyone that I discard from my life, I am not sorry, sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do! If you're not helping my cause, you're hindering it...SO LEAVE ME BE!!! I got some Dreams I Just Caught!;D

NASIR JONES